Tag: mental illness

Abilify Side Effects/Withdrawal

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Oh, where to begin. I suppose where I left off in August.

I still have my nervous clenching, now in my leg. It’s not a tapping, but a clenching. If I really concentrate I can stop it. The urge is still there, not a pleasant one, a very annoying one like an itch or when you want to pop your elbow or knuckles. I am also having trouble sitting still in general. The only time I get any relief is when I’m asleep and, of course, I can’t enjoy it.

I talked to my psychiatrist about it two months ago when it had been happening for about 6 weeks. He said it could be a side effect of the abilify. He said to see what happened with my psychologist and some relaxation training. Well I never did the relaxation training, I am a non-believer, it’s never worked for me at least.

Fast forward two months later, it’s worse and I am having more trouble controlling it. My doctor has diagnosed it as:

Akathisia – a movement disorder in which there is a feeling of inner restlessness and a strong urge to be constantly moving.

I do swear occasionally. I would love to let loose a tirade right now, but won’t in fear of offending anyone reading.

At my doctor’s backing I went off the abilify slowly. I have been totally off it now for about 5 days. Withdrawal symptoms are a crashing 4 day headache and listless/low grade depression, a little irritability, but not much else.

Since I still have the restlessness and clenching leg I started to research it on line to see if anyone else has this. I found a lot of people with it when taking abilify, some much worse than mine. I could have it in my face or arms. Mine is a little easier to conceal. The thing is that it could be permanent! I am just hoping the drug isn’t totally out of my brain yet.

This leads me to a real disappointment with my cocktail of medications I thought was tweaked to perfection. I’m also feeling a little sorry for myself.

Narcissism vs. Alcohol

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Is alcoholism bigger than narcissism? I don’t know.  Maybe they are equal in my marriage right now.  If you read my post “It’s 11 p.m.” alcohol abuse explains it.

I drink too. I am not supposed to because of the medication I’m taking. I’ve only ever had an interaction with one medication, so I keep drinking. I don’t tell my psychiatrist because he would tell me to stop. He would also be very serious and maybe even a bit annoyed with me.

I drink wine every night. And because I can never be completely happy or content with myself I wonder if I have a drinking problem too.

I have read a lot of articles about how to stop.  Tips like taking a hot bath, a long walk or read instead of that second glass.  WTF?  Does that stuff work for anyone who is craving a drink?  No. For me, white knuckling it for a couple of weeks is the only way to go.  It’s just like chocolate, I either eat the whole king sized bar or nothing.  Breaking off two “squares” doesn’t work for me.

Hey, wait a minute, how did this post become about MY drinking?  Typical. It’s always been easier for me to take it on than to trust someone else to change.

Stay tuned for my next post, EMDR treatment…will it work?

It’s 11 p.m.

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It’s 11pm here.  Husband still isn’t home.  Last week he did the same thing by saying he was running an errand and then after numerous unanswered phone calls to him he arrived 6 hours later drunk.

Oh I told him what I thought of his behavior. This is something I would have never dared to do and he would have never tolerated in the old days (pre-divorce threat). He apologized and explained how it would not happen again.  I didn’t believe him.  It was the first chink I noticed in his new armour.

Now here I am sitting in bed writing this. Scared and confused actually.

Is the “love bombing” over that fast?  I only know about narcissists from what I have read recently.  So, although I had been sucked in before, I didn’t know it was happening.  I’ve been “love bombed” before as well, but it was just great to get some crumbs that I was starved for.

This seems to be a classic example of a narcissist not being able to keep it up for long.

Now it’s 11:30.

P.S.  U2 is touring. I don’t care (much). That’s the kind of state I’m in right now.  That really pisses me off!

Anxiety Again.

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I’m finally giving in to my elevating anxiety.  My anxiety is starting to swirl again and I’m losing ground. I’ve decided to go to a psychologist. I’ll see if it is me or my medication needs tweaking again. I may even ask for EMDR to help deal with past trauma and a few phobias that are affecting my everyday life and interfering with my family relationships.

It really sucks to have to do this again.  Having to repeat what my present problems are and then having to go over my entire life story.  I have said it so many times to so many professionals over the years I’m not sure I will even cry or tear up anymore.  That at least is a plus.

I have an image of me bringing my medications in a tote and pouring them out on her table and saying, shouldn’t this be enough? I’m 49 soon and I am exhausted.  I know I’m not the only one that has this problem of maintaining mental health with Bipolar II.  I don’t know why I keep expecting things to work.  Maybe I need to give in to the fact there is never going to be a permanent solution and I will have to work on this forever.  Why haven’t I ever realized this before?  Probably because I felt so good the those six months last year!

Panic!

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I was having a rough week.

My co-worker, Doris, was driving me crazy. She gossips, talks behind peoples’ backs and is so loud I think I’ll lose my mind, what’s left of it, of course.

My daughter, Emily, was trying to arrange for me to be in WI for the birth of my second grandchild.

My youngest daughter just started on an anti-depressant, the same dosage as me, at only 13! I haven’t quite thought through that one yet.

There is still that big old elephant in the living room that is my marriage.

We got a new puppy, thinking it would calm aforementioned younger daughter, Allison, and maybe she could get a good night’s sleep.

When Emily called with a date she would be induced into labor, I had two days to prepare and spend a small fortune on tickets.

When I got to my dad’s house so he could drive us to the airport I began to talk about how much Doris drives me crazy at work. He said I should confront her and gave me some great ways to do it.

When I got on the plane I was getting more relaxed because so much had been taken care of and we were on our way!

After the pilot’s okay, I reclined my seat. As soon as I did that the seat popped back into position again! I said to Allison, “Did you see that?”

She looked behind her in between the seats and mouthed, “It’s his knees”!

So I tried it again, the same thing happened.

I just sat there going to take it and not say anything. That is what I usually do.

”Wait a minute! “ I thought, “This upright seat hurts my neck and why am I always the one to suffer over someone else? He should have got stretch seating!”

So as I thought about this and Doris and my dad’s talk I began to formulate a plan that I thought would fit me the best to finally confront the situation.

I flagged down a flight attendant and told her there was something wrong with my seat. Every time I put it back it flipped forward. She looked at me strangely and then tried it herself. What do you think happened? It stayed in position! Amazing!

Almost immediately, even before I had been able to enjoy my victory I started to feel strange. I felt a bit light headed and nauseated. A “fog” was beginning to descend. I decided to close my eyes, the only thing I could think of. I fell into many broken micro sleeps. Each time I dreamt of Doris and what my dad had said about standing up to her. When I woke up for good it was time to get off the plane.

I really don’t remember much after that until we got to Emily’s house. I felt like crying. I just wanted to go home and I needed John or my sister.

I was having a panic attack. Just like the old days.

Luckily it was over when I woke up in the morning. I analyzed it to death…why, why now? WTF??? How much more medication do I need? I know I ask that often.

It really shook me to my core though. I haven’t had a panic attack since I was in my teens. And you know what a panic attack feeds on right? Fear of another panic attack!

After a lot of thought I realized it was the “confrontation” with the person behind me with knees pushing my seat back up.

I believe I have PTSD when it comes to confronting people because I am so afraid they will yell at me. I live my life constantly trying not to upset anyone. It’s exhausting and frankly it’s not fair to me. Of course, the panic attack just reinforced my reasoning.

I feel like a sitting duck most of the time.

My Divorce, Step 3

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I don’t know how I’ve been lately. It’s kind of a state of being in the past, present and future all day long.

The past is full of bad memories of being bullied into a Vegas wedding, moving to North Dakota and getting a second job to name but a few.

The present is full of resentment for the past, cringing when I see his car in the driveway and dreading when he gets home.

The future is full of fear, dread and a happiness I’m afraid I shouldn’t be feeling.

Today it’s fear. I signed the papers. 26 year marriage over in 15 minutes.

I walked out to the car afterwards. At the door I almost started to cry and then I said out loud,

“Buck up! This is what you’ve always wanted”.

My Divorce, Step 2

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So I asked him for a divorce, well, sort of.  We went out to lunch and I brought up our relationship problems.  I said I think it is time to get a divorce.  And it just kind of got lost in the conversation. I didn’t want to push it. I was completely drained of courage just bringing up the subject.

I didn’t blame or tell him the real reason I want a divorce. That would just start an avalanche of accusations and blame on me. It never works to confront a narcissist with their bad behavior. They just end up turning it around on you, no matter how bizarre or untrue it is.

We talked about being unhappy, not having anything in common, etc. and after lunch we went to Cosco.

Is that the way all divorce conversations go?

Ice Tsunami

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I haven’t asked for the divorce yet.  I am waiting for the right time, but I have the same steely resolve.

I can’t stop thinking of the last two decades of bullying and tears. The old memories keep flooding in.  It’s like the phenomenon know as an “ice shove”, when ice from a lake or ocean surges forward onto land.  The ice is my memories anmaxresdefaultd they have been shoved to my door step where they can no longer be ignored or tolerated.

It seems like there are thousands of stories and they keep popping up in my mind all day long.  It has to be done. I have to be free, once and for all.

A Serious Discussion

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Emily and I had a discussion the other day about revealing my Bipolar Disorder II to people. “People” means the people I know. I worry that if they know I have this mood disorder they will view me differently.

My daughter, I believe because of heredity, has a little OCD and General Anxiety. She tells people in her life about it. She thinks it is important to educate about mental illness and she feels that it will make a difference as far as how some people view it.

I have a different tano-more-stigma-10ke on it though. I am afraid to tell even my closest friends about my illness. I am afraid they will misunderstand and think I will strip down naked and run down the street with a knife.  Actually, I hate to admit it, but before I was diagnosed with this disorder, I thought the same thing.

Just like everyone is told by top news stories, the perpetrator of mass murders, etc. are often reported as having a bipolar illness.  The general public sees that and assumes the worst.  Who can blame them?  There are so many variables that are not reported.  Predisposition to violence, access to weapons, psychotic breaks, not medicated, etc.

Writing this blog is the farthest I can go right now.  I feel very protective of my situation. Maybe one day.

ADD Laundry

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Housekeeping, especially laundry, with ADD has its special challenges, like it never gets done!

When you do laundry in my opinion that’s all you should be doing, any distraction at all is detrimental to the process. My laundry never gets finished. I sometimes do the right thing and take all the laundry baskets out to the living room where there is a big area to sort and make piles. I have devised one of my own systems. My stuff, husband’s stuff, kids stuff and towels. So far it hasn’t caused too much problem. The odd pink whites here and there over the years, it’s worth it, my system works!

On this particular day I have no plan, I’m just picking up piles from the individual rooms and stuffing them in the washer.  So I pick up one pile and put it in the washing machine, put the detergent in and turn it on. If I stayed there or somewhere close and waited for it I could have it done in record time, but no. I have to watch tv, read a book, get on the computer, do the dishes, get on the phone…….

So now the load number one is still sitting in the washer for 20 minutes before I remember I am doing the laundry. Twenty minutes, not too bad, I have all day. Next I put load number one into the dryer, dryer sheet and turn it on. Then it’s load number 2, I put it in the washing machine, put the detergent in and go finish what I was doing. Right, I can’t remember what I was doing before load number two, I’ll start a something new, that’s a better idea.

So another 20 minutes go by and I think about the laundry then realizing the dryer takes an hour so therefore there is at least 40 minutes left. I keep moving on. One hour goes by and I remember the laundry in the dryer, go to take it out and take load number two out of the washer to put in the dryer, but….. did you catch it before? I didn’t turn it on! This has been going on all my adult life. If I go to hell, this would be my hell, laundry. There is nothing I hate more!

After you get it out of the dryer, it’s still not done.  Doing laundry is like going grocery shopping, it’s such a process! Write the list, go to the store, buy the items, put the items on the checkout counter, put the bags into the cart, take the bags out of the cart, put the bags into the car, take the bags into the house, put the groceries away. And you haven’t even made dinner yet! I’m exhausted just remembering.

Back to the laundry, after they’re out of the dryer then they have to be folded. My husband tries to help out; he’s not one of those that doesn’t do any housework. He has to, it just wouldn’t get done sometimes, it’s more about self-preservation than charity. To keep the clean clothes separate from the dirty, he pours all the clean laundry on the couch. That is great if it ever gets folded. By the time I get around to it, the kids have sat all over it, half the socks are in between the couch cushions and my leopard print  underwear are the only thing visible from the front door when the neighbor stops by. Sometimes he’ll put it on the bed so I am forced to fold it and put it away so I can go to sleep.

Putting laundry away is the one process that never gets completely finished. I’ve had my son’s socks and underwear on my dresser since last week. I’ve got a stray belt and pair of shorts still lying on my nightstand.

While I’ve been writing this I am doing laundry and I’m going now to check to see if I put the dryer on for the wet load, because I didn’t the first time and now it’s 6:00 in the evening. I started at 8:30 this morning.