My Divorce, Step 2

So I asked him for a divorce, well, sort of.  We went out to lunch and I brought up our relationship problems.  I said I think it is time to get a divorce.  And it just kind of got lost in the conversation. I didn’t want to push it. I was completely drained of courage just bringing up the subject.

I didn’t blame or tell him the real reason I want a divorce. That would just start an avalanche of accusations and blame on me. It never works to confront a narcissist with their bad behavior. They just end up turning it around on you, no matter how bizarre or untrue it is.

We talked about being unhappy, not having anything in common, etc. and after lunch we went to Cosco.

Is that the way all divorce conversations go?

Ice Tsunami

I haven’t asked for the divorce yet.  I am waiting for the right time, but I have the same steely resolve.

I can’t stop thinking of the last two decades of bullying and tears. The old memories keep flooding in.  It’s like the phenomenon know as an “ice shove”, when ice from a lake or ocean surges forward onto land.  The ice is my memories anmaxresdefaultd they have been shoved to my door step where they can no longer be ignored or tolerated.

It seems like there are thousands of stories and they keep popping up in my mind all day long.  It has to be done. I have to be free, once and for all.

A Serious Discussion

Emily and I had a discussion the other day about revealing my Bipolar Disorder II to people. “People” means the people I know. I worry that if they know I have this mood disorder they will view me differently.

My daughter, I believe because of heredity, has a little OCD and General Anxiety. She tells people in her life about it. She thinks it is important to educate about mental illness and she feels that it will make a difference as far as how some people view it.

I have a different tano-more-stigma-10ke on it though. I am afraid to tell even my closest friends about my illness. I am afraid they will misunderstand and think I will strip down naked and run down the street with a knife.  Actually, I hate to admit it, but before I was diagnosed with this disorder, I thought the same thing.

Just like everyone is told by top news stories, the perpetrator of mass murders, etc. are often reported as having a bipolar illness.  The general public sees that and assumes the worst.  Who can blame them?  There are so many variables that are not reported.  Predisposition to violence, access to weapons, psychotic breaks, not medicated, etc.

Writing this blog is the farthest I can go right now.  I feel very protective of my situation. Maybe one day.

ADD Laundry

Housekeeping, especially laundry, with ADD has its special challenges, like it never gets done!

When you do laundry in my opinion that’s all you should be doing, any distraction at all is detrimental to the process. My laundry never gets finished. I sometimes do the right thing and take all the laundry baskets out to the living room where there is a big area to sort and make piles. I have devised one of my own systems. My stuff, husband’s stuff, kids stuff and towels. So far it hasn’t caused too much problem. The odd pink whites here and there over the years, it’s worth it, my system works!

On this particular day I have no plan, I’m just picking up piles from the individual rooms and stuffing them in the washer.  So I pick up one pile and put it in the washing machine, put the detergent in and turn it on. If I stayed there or somewhere close and waited for it I could have it done in record time, but no. I have to watch tv, read a book, get on the computer, do the dishes, get on the phone…….

So now the load number one is still sitting in the washer for 20 minutes before I remember I am doing the laundry. Twenty minutes, not too bad, I have all day. Next I put load number one into the dryer, dryer sheet and turn it on. Then it’s load number 2, I put it in the washing machine, put the detergent in and go finish what I was doing. Right, I can’t remember what I was doing before load number two, I’ll start a something new, that’s a better idea.

So another 20 minutes go by and I think about the laundry then realizing the dryer takes an hour so therefore there is at least 40 minutes left. I keep moving on. One hour goes by and I remember the laundry in the dryer, go to take it out and take load number two out of the washer to put in the dryer, but….. did you catch it before? I didn’t turn it on! This has been going on all my adult life. If I go to hell, this would be my hell, laundry. There is nothing I hate more!

After you get it out of the dryer, it’s still not done.  Doing laundry is like going grocery shopping, it’s such a process! Write the list, go to the store, buy the items, put the items on the checkout counter, put the bags into the cart, take the bags out of the cart, put the bags into the car, take the bags into the house, put the groceries away. And you haven’t even made dinner yet! I’m exhausted just remembering.

Back to the laundry, after they’re out of the dryer then they have to be folded. My husband tries to help out; he’s not one of those that doesn’t do any housework. He has to, it just wouldn’t get done sometimes, it’s more about self-preservation than charity. To keep the clean clothes separate from the dirty, he pours all the clean laundry on the couch. That is great if it ever gets folded. By the time I get around to it, the kids have sat all over it, half the socks are in between the couch cushions and my leopard print  underwear are the only thing visible from the front door when the neighbor stops by. Sometimes he’ll put it on the bed so I am forced to fold it and put it away so I can go to sleep.

Putting laundry away is the one process that never gets completely finished. I’ve had my son’s socks and underwear on my dresser since last week. I’ve got a stray belt and pair of shorts still lying on my nightstand.

While I’ve been writing this I am doing laundry and I’m going now to check to see if I put the dryer on for the wet load, because I didn’t the first time and now it’s 6:00 in the evening. I started at 8:30 this morning.