Crystal Lynn enters, stage left

I said in my last post, first one in a long time, that things were getting better because I’m learning and putting into practice ways to cope.

There is still so much drama in my life it is unbearable at times, like last weekend.  I can’t even write about it because the anxiety still bubbles up and fills me.  I was so depressed it wasn’t looking good for me.  My medicine is working, I know the difference between meds screwing up my mood and other depression caused by rejection, fear, feeling, lonely, confusion and stress.  My narcissist ex-husband the cause of all of it. It was bad.

I was doing that pathetic crying again., Where you don’t make a sound or move and the tears role down your cheeks.  I tried not to give in to it.  I knew I should try all the “tricks”, but I couldn’t even do that.

Sunday morning around 11am it was either this or me.  Dead serious.

So I got into bed, watched reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” and waited.

I’m not sure how long it took or why it started to happen, but I started to come around a little bit.  Nothing like a phoenix rising from the ashes, but clawing out from under the earth and reaching the surface.  Very dramatic, but that is how it was feeling.

Just that little breath of air from the surface began to clear my head.  I meditated for 5 minutes, crying.  I read a little book I have about 50 mindful ways to calm.  And then I remembered, Crystal Lynn.

Crystal Lynn is my alter ego that I developed to stop being so, well, being me.  She doesn’t have a job, sits on her porch all day surrounded by cars on cinder blocks, smokes and does what she wants.

I needed her because she says things like “Who cares?” and “Fuck you!” and “Fuck that”. If she says it enough it feels real, I stop caring and I can breathe a little more. When she’s thinking for me I reach that calmness.  It’s amazing how she can practically soften blood pounding in my head, pain when I breath in and my pounding heart.

In my already delicate mental state, a teen age transgender daughter/son (I’ll tell that story sometime) working two jobs, narcissist ex-husband that despises me…I’ve got to stop writing about it again, my chest is beginning to constrict.

On top of all that…I made my self-crazy with anxiety, because trying to be the best at everything and usually failing I fell into that vicious cycle.

Crystal Lynn doesn’t handle the bigger situations as well, but I cause almost the same symptoms with the little things as well as big things.

Example of a little thing that I made into a big thing:

My son’s college graduation. I knew my ex-husband would be there and then I found out the night before that my ex-in-laws were coming as well. I started trying on outfits, using it as a way to redirect my anxiety (didn’t realize that was what I was doing).  I tried on all my clothes and shoes. Nothing fit because I’ve lost so much weight, but still lumpy in places.  Worrying about where I was going to sit, what time should I arrive, where were they sitting, what if I saw them, what if they were there for pictures…. spinning out of control as usual.

Enter Crystal Lynn,. She said, “Just wear something you will be comfortable in, John knows what you look like and there isn’t anyone else that you have to impress or even cares what you are wearing.”  Now anyone could have already said that before, but it’s a magical feeling to feel it and do it with absolutely no second thoughts, almost as if I came up with it myself!

I think people with anxiety and/or PTSD reactions will totally understand how a small thing, or in my case, all small things connected to John start to get on that endless circle only picking up speed with each pass.

I wore my comfortable outfit that fit. White jeans and black cardigan. At the last minute my dad said he was going with me.  I fought the physical reactions, took half a clonazepam, parking no problem.

We sat with my son’s wife’s family, didn’t look around and I don’t think I was spotted. Took pictures with Tristan.  In laws and John showed up.  I was aloof and took the high road (hate that road).

Thanks, Crystal Lynn, please come again.

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Abused Patience Turns to Fury

So much anger.

I was feeling pretty strong against the ex-husband and his girlfriend yesterday morning.

He is trying to pass her off as his roommate.  No one knows what I know about how they were sleeping together a full 6 months before I asked for the divorce.  Even the children seem to have been fooled.  I can’t say anything to anyone because when it is all said and done I’m taking the high road as usual (not willingly believe me).  I Looking back at how outrageously (even for him) his behavior was during that time I believe I was manipulated (AGAIN) into asking for the divorce.

So I checked Facebook to see if I was truly able to handle it.

He was on her page with a selfie of themselves.  Under the comments was a comment from my mother in law saying “Just a couple of kids!”

I was so angry, hurt and other things I can’t even name that I went into a horrible spiral of depression and anxiety.  It was a pretty dark day.

I got up this morning and felt much better.  I tested the memory of yesterday to see if they still held their sting and they did.  Good news for me is not as painful. Then it dawned on me that checking Facebook was in essence breaking the No Contact rule!  That is the real key to recovery and now I have to start all over again! I had 4 whole weeks under my belt.

I’ve been doing EMDR for a whole host of things in the last few months.  When this woman moved into my old house with him I had to see my therapist twice a week for two weeks.  I have sooooo much more work to do.

I hate him.  I hate them.  I haven’t really been able to enjoy any of my freedom from him because he’s still getting to me but on a higher and different level.  When will this get better?  When can I finally feel better?

Its just like you when you try every trick in the book to lose weight and it always comes back to diet and exercise. Time heals all wounds.

Blocking all of them and taking the Facebook app of my phone is a good measure as well.

Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury.

Francis Quarles

Summer of Disappointment

My summer began on May 27th.  I left directly from work to drive 16 hours to a wedding in North Dakota.   John’s relatives were there, I don’t think further explanation is necessary. Emily and I had spent a huge amount of time trying on dresses and rejecting everyone of them, usually because they didn’t fit me well.  In the last two years I have gained another 10 lbs (oh, you know there is going to be some follow up to that bombshell).  I finally found one, but it still wasn’t flattering.  I tried not to let my vanity get in the way of a fun time, but that that was a hopeless exercise as you would guess.

Emily and family came that week also.  It was very hectic.  I didn’t get to spend as much time with them as I wanted because there were so many things to be handled before I went to England.

Alison and I left  England with my Dad for two weeks.  To be honest, it wasn’t the best trip.  My dad was/is still trying to deal with the death of his older brother, Pete, and honestly I wasn’t much help. Sometimes I miss cues.  I feel guilty for that.

When we got back from England I decided enough was enough.  Allison’s depression and anxiety were getting worse. Everything she and I had tried failed. I took her to a psychiatrist. Maybe her moods were a chemical imbalance. After all, all of her female relatives on my side from her great grandma down have suffered from some degree of mental illness.

I tried everything that I had any knowledge of, I had read about or other people recommended.  There was Myofascial Release,  gluten free, clean eating, essential oils, supplements, a natural light alarm,  therapy, EMDR,  Brain Spotting, etc.

Oh, but the story gets better! One night she had a seizure!  A smallish one at first and two weeks later a “tonic clonic”.  It used to be known as a Grand Mal Seizure.

My lovely enlightened husband then blamed the whole thing on me and Zoloft. Even though five medical professionals said it would be very unlikely. We had a few knock down drag out fights because of this. It has been a heavy burden keeping Allison’s struggle front and center and not my own.

She had an EEG and an MRI, both normal. The only bright spot is she was diagnosed with Epilepsy.  I know that sounds strange, but it just might be the answer to a lot of things in her life.

Now she’s taking an anti-seizure medication.  If it takes care of the seizures it could also treat her anxiety and depression.  I guess time will tell.

Going Underground

I have been underground again. I didn’t feel I had anything relevant to say for the last few months. I have a certain criteria* of the things I will post.

My post must be:

  1. interesting.
  2. have my unique point of view (I’ve finally put it to some good use).
  3. have an “END” or a clever phrase to wrap it up (wink).
  4. true.
  5. Anonymous. It cannot contain any details that would lead someone to figure out my real self. Literally my name, etc. I know I am either extremely egotistical or completely paranoid that anyone really cares, but nevertheless it is an issue.  I have remained incognito my entire life.  I think it is one of my “things” that no one except my immediate family knows the real me.  The crazy me.  The unbalanced me.  The totally fucking exhausted keeping up appearances me.

* There has been a flash flood of stories that meet my stringent criteria.  Tune in.

Up to Speed

I’ve been away from my blog for a while. It happens. I’ve been so submerged in Allison and her struggle with anxiety, starting to border on agoraphobia, her medication and also EMDR. She is doing much better by the way, I believe she has finally turned a corner and is on her way to some peace of mind.

I’ve been going to therapy for my anxiety too. The EMDR has been working. It’s like magic. I have to work hard and it is bringing up a lot of stuff I don’t want. I hate to have to admit that some of the things I have thought were being done to me were actually me.

My marriage is getting better. My therapist says everyone has the possibility to change. And it’s been since March 30 that I proposed divorce. I’m feeling more comfortable with the situation. I’m going to be pretty upset if this isn’t real to say the least.

And, of course, if it’s not one thing it’s another. I have somehow developed another nervous habit. Clenching my hands. I clench and unclench all day long. I can control it when I think about it, but I don’t realize I’m doing it until I am doing it. So by then someone has noticed. It’s not that apparent unless you are sitting right next to me or across from me. I talked to my therapist about it and she didn’t really come up with any good ideas how to stop except relaxing, other ways to relieve tension, the usual useless advice for anxiety. I’m going back to work in a week and I don’t feel any closer to getting it under control.

Anxiety Again.

I’m finally giving in to my elevating anxiety.  My anxiety is starting to swirl again and I’m losing ground. I’ve decided to go to a psychologist. I’ll see if it is me or my medication needs tweaking again. I may even ask for EMDR to help deal with past trauma and a few phobias that are affecting my everyday life and interfering with my family relationships.

It really sucks to have to do this again.  Having to repeat what my present problems are and then having to go over my entire life story.  I have said it so many times to so many professionals over the years I’m not sure I will even cry or tear up anymore.  That at least is a plus.

I have an image of me bringing my medications in a tote and pouring them out on her table and saying, shouldn’t this be enough? I’m 49 soon and I am exhausted.  I know I’m not the only one that has this problem of maintaining mental health with Bipolar II.  I don’t know why I keep expecting things to work.  Maybe I need to give in to the fact there is never going to be a permanent solution and I will have to work on this forever.  Why haven’t I ever realized this before?  Probably because I felt so good the those six months last year!

Panic!

I was having a rough week.

My co-worker, Doris, was driving me crazy. She gossips, talks behind peoples’ backs and is so loud I think I’ll lose my mind, what’s left of it, of course.

My daughter, Emily, was trying to arrange for me to be in WI for the birth of my second grandchild.

My youngest daughter just started on an anti-depressant, the same dosage as me, at only 13! I haven’t quite thought through that one yet.

There is still that big old elephant in the living room that is my marriage.

We got a new puppy, thinking it would calm aforementioned younger daughter, Allison, and maybe she could get a good night’s sleep.

When Emily called with a date she would be induced into labor, I had two days to prepare and spend a small fortune on tickets.

When I got to my dad’s house so he could drive us to the airport I began to talk about how much Doris drives me crazy at work. He said I should confront her and gave me some great ways to do it.

When I got on the plane I was getting more relaxed because so much had been taken care of and we were on our way!

After the pilot’s okay, I reclined my seat. As soon as I did that the seat popped back into position again! I said to Allison, “Did you see that?”

She looked behind her in between the seats and mouthed, “It’s his knees”!

So I tried it again, the same thing happened.

I just sat there going to take it and not say anything. That is what I usually do.

”Wait a minute! “ I thought, “This upright seat hurts my neck and why am I always the one to suffer over someone else? He should have got stretch seating!”

So as I thought about this and Doris and my dad’s talk I began to formulate a plan that I thought would fit me the best to finally confront the situation.

I flagged down a flight attendant and told her there was something wrong with my seat. Every time I put it back it flipped forward. She looked at me strangely and then tried it herself. What do you think happened? It stayed in position! Amazing!

Almost immediately, even before I had been able to enjoy my victory I started to feel strange. I felt a bit light headed and nauseated. A “fog” was beginning to descend. I decided to close my eyes, the only thing I could think of. I fell into many broken micro sleeps. Each time I dreamt of Doris and what my dad had said about standing up to her. When I woke up for good it was time to get off the plane.

I really don’t remember much after that until we got to Emily’s house. I felt like crying. I just wanted to go home and I needed John or my sister.

I was having a panic attack. Just like the old days.

Luckily it was over when I woke up in the morning. I analyzed it to death…why, why now? WTF??? How much more medication do I need? I know I ask that often.

It really shook me to my core though. I haven’t had a panic attack since I was in my teens. And you know what a panic attack feeds on right? Fear of another panic attack!

After a lot of thought I realized it was the “confrontation” with the person behind me with knees pushing my seat back up.

I believe I have PTSD when it comes to confronting people because I am so afraid they will yell at me. I live my life constantly trying not to upset anyone. It’s exhausting and frankly it’s not fair to me. Of course, the panic attack just reinforced my reasoning.

I feel like a sitting duck most of the time.