Author: cmglife

Self-righteousness, you’ve outstayed your welcome.

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I wouldn’t say I suffer or have suffered from self loathing. Feeling pathetic, lonely, stupid, annoying and unworthy better describes these feelings I’ve had off and on.

One of my other traits is self-righteousness, I think I’ve mentioned this. I decided to look up the actual traits.

According to AI, moral superiority, harsh judgment, inflexibilty and lack of empathy.

While this is very much me, but as is common, I’m not all of these things and definetly do not suffer from lack of empathy, the opposite actually. It caused a lot of emotional pain sometimes.

So what is my problem?! A bit of feeling superior, harsh, and inflexibility feels like me, but not in a way that the person or situation is aware of most of the time. This goes on in my head and sometimes bubbles over to my friends. No judgment to them, but “ranting” and “raving” about whatever I deem unacceptable.

I’m going to work on this with my therapist because I’m not sure I want to feel this way anymore. I mean the distance between empath (which is true) and the three other traits do not make sense to me.

My theory is that because of my childhood and mental health, I developed this view on life because I needed something absolute—a way of thinking I could trust.

Years ago I was told that I was a good person because I made the right moral choices. I didn’t understand why I was complimented. I told the person that if you always pick the right thing it’s not hard.

Seriously? Well, I was really young. Is that a superiority trait?

I don’t think inflexibility describes me. In my own head and what I will allow, etc., it is true. With other people, I think that’s where the empathy kicks in.

So now I have to admit to the last one, and the reason is I am feeling judgmental. For someone who says they don’t judge, this one was a biggie.

It was the judgment I put on my sister after my dad died. It is definitely a complex situation with my sister these days, but that really doesn’t apply to this.

I wrote:

“My dad got very sick again and died. He suffered so much because of the neglect from my sister. No one can convince me otherwise—neglect partly from denying me access.”

Soooooo…..not good. Not the way I want to think. I’m usually not that harsh, even when inside my head.

I believe I hung onto that statement because I have been hurt by her. I was devastated about my dad dying and the way I saw him suffering. I was a wreck. At my job, at home, talking to my friends. I had no control over anything. I didn’t have anyone who was there to talk to. It just festered.

It turns out a lot of this was grief. I finally was strong enough to start a slideshow I had been wanting to do all year. I organized the photos by category: Year, dad, brother, father, grandad, funny….

I started to smile and giggle at some of the photos. All of a sudden without even trying I came back to myself. Even though I’ve been angry with him for so long allowing so many things that hurt me, that wasn’t all him and I loved him. I actually miss him now…grief moving along.

Self-righteousness is not helping me to live anymore, it’s hurting.

Even though my sister does not read my blog, I’m making a retraction and I feel sorry.

I’m going to try to figure out a better right way to live again.

I’m going to be rich!

Published on by cmglife

I figured out a way to put a stop to my endless remote search and my endless swearing at myself because I couldn’t find it again. I was constantly picking it up and putting it somewhere with no logical reason—the bathroom, kitchen, purse… Then I would finally find it and swear I would put it back on the coffee table every time. I felt frustrated, absent-minded, and just generally annoyed.

But I have fixed all of it!

Now, I know it looks cumbersome, and it is. I know it looks heavy, and it is (1 pound). And that is exactly the point.

Who would pick this thing up and leave it in the kitchen? No one. I don’t even want to pick it up to change the channel because it is cumbersome and heavy!

I think I’ll call it:

The Best Cumbersome Heavy Remote Control That Keeps You From Losing Your Remote Control Tool

Perfect, the name is also heavy and cumbersome. Don’t miss the play on words, (tool – wrench). Hahaha, God I amuse myself sometimes!

I’m going to be rich! Now if I can just figure out how to change the batteries.

Wait till you hear this….

Published on by cmglife

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (down to every 3 months, thank you very much). He’s been my doctor for so long, I’ve watched him turn gray.

I didn’t plan it. It came to me in the waiting room when I was filling out that f***ing depression scale form. Sorry, I must feel passionately about how much I hate that f***ing form to make me swear.

I told my doctor that for the first time in my life I feel things are going my way.

For two years I’ve had a hard time, but not related to my mental health, chemically that is. It’s been my dad being sick twice and then dying, losing my job, the consistent rejection from my sister and daughter and all the feelings and worry they generated.

The things that are going my way seem boring at first glance, but that is the way it is for most of us I think. I don’t require a lot to feel this way. Getting cheap insurance, a bit of money from my dad’s estate, ketamine, friends, business, and cats doing well, etc. It also includes my car running well, exercising, loving my house, affording my house, getting my first physical — where the doctor asked if I have had botox, which I have not.

And while all the bad things were not “luck” or “fate,” neither are the good things. I continued to think deeply about that statement. I realized I work hard, mentally, physically, and financially, to finally be able to say it.

I don’t know what is up ahead, but what a calm feeling to have for now (calm has never been in my “mood” selection).

Depression Checklist

Published on by cmglife

My last post, I was feeling like hell. There were definitely explanations for how unusually down I was, but I believe now more than anything else, I was due for a ketamine infusion.

Even while I’m not suffering from depression the way I used to, I still have a hard time recognizing a downward spiral. I think it’s because for most of my life I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and since then I still make excuses.

In the pre-ketamine era, none of the drugs worked on me, so I was paralyzed about changing any medication or dosages in case I felt worse. I stayed on Depakote, which caused so many terrible side effects: double vision, intermittent tremors, and slurred speech, to name a few. I was actually diagnosed with Functional Neurologic Disorder by a neurologist, until a year later when he told me the drugs were causing the symptoms. I knew all along it was the Depakote, but it still took me two years into ketamine to make me stop. Those side effects are gone. I still have some tremors, but at least I can write my name legibly.

My therapist and I wrote a depression checklist tailored to me. I’ve included it below. It’s a bit raggedy, I’ve had it for so many years. I think the most important instruction is: it doesn’t matter how much or how little, acknowledge the feeling. And check it.

And I forgot to check it.

Good news for me—I had an infusion at the end of last week. The difference since then has been less worrying and clearer thinking (making decisions, etc.). One symptom I have is feeling unloved; that’s a hard one because it spreads into feeling pathetic about feeling lonely. That’s better now too.

depression check list

I feel like hell.

Published on by cmglife

I started this blog because I needed to talk about my life anonymously after being diagnosed with a mental illness that caused me shame and devastation. Well, that is how I saw it back then.

Today, I feel different than I have in a great while.

I have not been able to write honestly about some events in my life in the last few years because to write about things, I would have to think about them.

All I am doing today is crying. Not quite sure why. It may be built-up stress, disappointment, and a bit of loneliness. I just contradicted myself; I do know why I have been crying all day.

So why not take advantage of this crying day I thought?

Here is the the update from the last few years in the quickest and most vaguest way possible:

My dad almost died two years ago. My sister and daughter lied about everything to do with his care. I realized they were gaslighting me, and worse still, I was gaslighting myself (all my life, it turns out).

I lost a promotion to a younger, less experienced person. I needed the position because I knew my position might be eliminated due to school budget cuts. I had to work with her, feeling humiliated, all year.

My new supervisor made my life miserable. She was jealous because I succeeded every time she set me up to fail.

Retracted Statement: My dad got very sick again and died. He suffered so much because of the neglect from my sister. No one can convince me otherwise—neglect partly from denying me access.

Read more here: https://anincidentallife.com/2026/11/07/self-righteousness-youve-outstayed-your-welcome/

Just as I had predicted, I lost my job. I have been looking for work since May. It is not going well.

What is still a constant weight is that my sister and daughter continue to alienate me. I do not know my grandchildren. They preach Jesus, but these are the people who give Christianity a bad name.

I do not want to say anything positive today. Next time.

I’ve been listening to KPOP for a year.  Now, please let me explain…

Published on by cmglife

Last summer, while still having ketamine infusions for my TRD, something wasn’t right.  I had gone nine weeks instead of seven and could not get on top of the depression (more about that in an upcoming post). I read that physical exercise is one way to increase glutamate levels.

After researching, Beat Saber, a VR game, was recommended.  Blocks fly to the music’s beat and you hit them away to the beat. 

It was great; for an hour, the music masked the fact that I was exercising, and sweating became a fascination. The faster I was able to go, the higher my heart rate and the more I sweated.  When it started to run into my eyes and drench my hair, I felt strangely triumphant.

Inevitably, the music the game offered began to bore me. I refused to give up, and after a few days, I learned how to upload my own songs.  I searched “best dancing songs”, and BTS came up.  I cannot sing to any of them – my Korean has never improved – but I can hum along, and I do recognize the different song titles now.

And that explains why I’m listening to KPOP. Is it similar to my Adam Lambert craze? No, I really have no explanation for that one.

How to Calculate Lifespan in Stamps and Checks

Published on by cmglife

First Calculation (Stamps):

I was asked to mail a document recently with an original signature. I had used my last stamp at Christmas, so I bought 2 books 40 stamps. I felt uneasy when I did the math and realized that based on use, the stamps might outlive me.

1 stamp x 30 yrs = 30 stamps (10 leftover)

Second Calculation (Checks):

I was asked to submit a voided check for direct deposit. I haven’t had a checkbook in over 10 yrs, so I went to my bank in person and asked for 4. I used the same stamp formula.

1 check x 3 decades = 3 checks (1 leftover)

I think it’s obvious I did not use an official actuarial table, but I feel pretty good about my lifespan represented in stamps and temporary checks.

Link to an actual actuarial table: https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.htm

A little context might help……

Published on by cmglife

Please turn your volume on to enjoy this sillines.

Picture this: It’s the end of the year at our middle school. The 8th graders cannot contain their wanderlust and are constantly slipping out of classrooms with some lame excuse and without a pass.

Enter Mr. Wood, 8th Grade Social Studies teacher. He is fed up with the blatant disregard for such a simple rule that has been drilled into every student since their start in 6th Grade.

Mr. Wood set up shop in the intersection of the 7th and 8th grade hallways to question anyone within his sights.

When approaching this formidable check point I couldn’t help but giggle because with each footstep the theme music from Jaws and High Noon would start to play in my head.

I went around and showed the videos to staff and some students, giggling the whole time.

I know I got more joy from the videos than anyone else and I am proud of myself for just being myself.

Empaths, Narcissists, and ADHD

Published on by cmglife

Not only do I suffer from all of the things I suffer from (listed below )I am also an empath. There is a lot of deep and life long suffering due to this one.

I began investigating more on being an empath because of a new situation I find myself in. I’m being moved from my old position at work to a new position (not my decision) with a narcissist as my supervisor.

For this post, I looked around to find guidance incase someone would like to know more. I let out an “oh for goodness sake” coupled with my ever present eye roll when I read this: Empaths, Narcissists, and ADHD

It feels like narcissists hook on to almost anything (that’s why they are narcissists…they infiltrate every possible weakness known to the human condition).

I still haven’t made a good plan yet. I love my job and unlike most of the staff, I get a mental health boost when I’m there. I am really worried about being able to stay if I cannot figure out how to live with this situation 8 hours a day, day after day.

My one plan is to study and practice responses. I’m going to research how being an empath can actually be a positive for me. There has got to be a way to spin this.

This is a complete list of things I have been diagnosed with:

Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar 2, Bipolar Depression, ADHD, Complex PTSD, Treatment Resistant Depression, Hypothyroidism, Raynaud’s syndrome, Female

I know “female” isn’t technically a condition, but it does apply here. Whenever I investigate anything I have or think I might have the percentages in our population and severity are always higher for women.

Oh, forgot two other syndromes worth mentioning….BIARW (Believing I am Really Witty) and OOABMW (Only One Amused by My Wittiness).

Please don’t do that, middle schoolers are watching…

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We have a new vice principal at my school. He is a very nice man. He is really enthusiastic with the kids as well as the staff. Having said that, and if you’ve read some of my other posts, you know I am an introvert most of the time. I challenge you to take the pop quiz below relating to the choices I am given to greet our vice principal.

I would rather:

A. Fist Bump

B. Hug

C. High Five

D. Learn fancy “dance” handshake.

E. None of the Above