I said in my last post, first one in a long time, that things were getting better because I’m learning and putting into practice ways to cope.
There is still so much drama in my life it is unbearable at times, like last weekend. I can’t even write about it because the anxiety still bubbles up and fills me. I was so depressed it wasn’t looking good for me. My medicine is working, I know the difference between meds screwing up my mood and other depression caused by rejection, fear, feeling, lonely, confusion and stress. My narcissist ex-husband the cause of all of it. It was bad.
I was doing that pathetic crying again., Where you don’t make a sound or move and the tears role down your cheeks. I tried not to give in to it. I knew I should try all the “tricks”, but I couldn’t even do that.
Sunday morning around 11am it was either this or me. Dead serious.
So I got into bed, watched reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” and waited.
I’m not sure how long it took or why it started to happen, but I started to come around a little bit. Nothing like a phoenix rising from the ashes, but clawing out from under the earth and reaching the surface. Very dramatic, but that is how it was feeling.
Just that little breath of air from the surface began to clear my head. I meditated for 5 minutes, crying. I read a little book I have about 50 mindful ways to calm. And then I remembered, Crystal Lynn.
Crystal Lynn is my alter ego that I developed to stop being so, well, being me. She doesn’t have a job, sits on her porch all day surrounded by cars on cinder blocks, smokes and does what she wants.
I needed her because she says things like “Who cares?” and “Fuck you!” and “Fuck that”. If she says it enough it feels real, I stop caring and I can breathe a little more. When she’s thinking for me I reach that calmness. It’s amazing how she can practically soften blood pounding in my head, pain when I breath in and my pounding heart.
In my already delicate mental state, a teen age transgender daughter/son (I’ll tell that story sometime) working two jobs, narcissist ex-husband that despises me…I’ve got to stop writing about it again, my chest is beginning to constrict.
On top of all that…I made my self-crazy with anxiety, because trying to be the best at everything and usually failing I fell into that vicious cycle.
Crystal Lynn doesn’t handle the bigger situations as well, but I cause almost the same symptoms with the little things as well as big things.
Example of a little thing that I made into a big thing:
My son’s college graduation. I knew my ex-husband would be there and then I found out the night before that my ex-in-laws were coming as well. I started trying on outfits, using it as a way to redirect my anxiety (didn’t realize that was what I was doing). I tried on all my clothes and shoes. Nothing fit because I’ve lost so much weight, but still lumpy in places. Worrying about where I was going to sit, what time should I arrive, where were they sitting, what if I saw them, what if they were there for pictures…. spinning out of control as usual.
Enter Crystal Lynn,. She said, “Just wear something you will be comfortable in, John knows what you look like and there isn’t anyone else that you have to impress or even cares what you are wearing.” Now anyone could have already said that before, but it’s a magical feeling to feel it and do it with absolutely no second thoughts, almost as if I came up with it myself!
I think people with anxiety and/or PTSD reactions will totally understand how a small thing, or in my case, all small things connected to John start to get on that endless circle only picking up speed with each pass.
I wore my comfortable outfit that fit. White jeans and black cardigan. At the last minute my dad said he was going with me. I fought the physical reactions, took half a clonazepam, parking no problem.
We sat with my son’s wife’s family, didn’t look around and I don’t think I was spotted. Took pictures with Tristan. In laws and John showed up. I was aloof and took the high road (hate that road).
Thanks, Crystal Lynn, please come again.