Crystal Lynn enters, stage left

I said in my last post, first one in a long time, that things were getting better because I’m learning and putting into practice ways to cope.

There is still so much drama in my life it is unbearable at times, like last weekend.  I can’t even write about it because the anxiety still bubbles up and fills me.  I was so depressed it wasn’t looking good for me.  My medicine is working, I know the difference between meds screwing up my mood and other depression caused by rejection, fear, feeling, lonely, confusion and stress.  My narcissist ex-husband the cause of all of it. It was bad.

I was doing that pathetic crying again., Where you don’t make a sound or move and the tears role down your cheeks.  I tried not to give in to it.  I knew I should try all the “tricks”, but I couldn’t even do that.

Sunday morning around 11am it was either this or me.  Dead serious.

So I got into bed, watched reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” and waited.

I’m not sure how long it took or why it started to happen, but I started to come around a little bit.  Nothing like a phoenix rising from the ashes, but clawing out from under the earth and reaching the surface.  Very dramatic, but that is how it was feeling.

Just that little breath of air from the surface began to clear my head.  I meditated for 5 minutes, crying.  I read a little book I have about 50 mindful ways to calm.  And then I remembered, Crystal Lynn.

Crystal Lynn is my alter ego that I developed to stop being so, well, being me.  She doesn’t have a job, sits on her porch all day surrounded by cars on cinder blocks, smokes and does what she wants.

I needed her because she says things like “Who cares?” and “Fuck you!” and “Fuck that”. If she says it enough it feels real, I stop caring and I can breathe a little more. When she’s thinking for me I reach that calmness.  It’s amazing how she can practically soften blood pounding in my head, pain when I breath in and my pounding heart.

In my already delicate mental state, a teen age transgender daughter/son (I’ll tell that story sometime) working two jobs, narcissist ex-husband that despises me…I’ve got to stop writing about it again, my chest is beginning to constrict.

On top of all that…I made my self-crazy with anxiety, because trying to be the best at everything and usually failing I fell into that vicious cycle.

Crystal Lynn doesn’t handle the bigger situations as well, but I cause almost the same symptoms with the little things as well as big things.

Example of a little thing that I made into a big thing:

My son’s college graduation. I knew my ex-husband would be there and then I found out the night before that my ex-in-laws were coming as well. I started trying on outfits, using it as a way to redirect my anxiety (didn’t realize that was what I was doing).  I tried on all my clothes and shoes. Nothing fit because I’ve lost so much weight, but still lumpy in places.  Worrying about where I was going to sit, what time should I arrive, where were they sitting, what if I saw them, what if they were there for pictures…. spinning out of control as usual.

Enter Crystal Lynn,. She said, “Just wear something you will be comfortable in, John knows what you look like and there isn’t anyone else that you have to impress or even cares what you are wearing.”  Now anyone could have already said that before, but it’s a magical feeling to feel it and do it with absolutely no second thoughts, almost as if I came up with it myself!

I think people with anxiety and/or PTSD reactions will totally understand how a small thing, or in my case, all small things connected to John start to get on that endless circle only picking up speed with each pass.

I wore my comfortable outfit that fit. White jeans and black cardigan. At the last minute my dad said he was going with me.  I fought the physical reactions, took half a clonazepam, parking no problem.

We sat with my son’s wife’s family, didn’t look around and I don’t think I was spotted. Took pictures with Tristan.  In laws and John showed up.  I was aloof and took the high road (hate that road).

Thanks, Crystal Lynn, please come again.

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Up to Speed

I’ve been away from my blog for a while. It happens. I’ve been so submerged in Allison and her struggle with anxiety, starting to border on agoraphobia, her medication and also EMDR. She is doing much better by the way, I believe she has finally turned a corner and is on her way to some peace of mind.

I’ve been going to therapy for my anxiety too. The EMDR has been working. It’s like magic. I have to work hard and it is bringing up a lot of stuff I don’t want. I hate to have to admit that some of the things I have thought were being done to me were actually me.

My marriage is getting better. My therapist says everyone has the possibility to change. And it’s been since March 30 that I proposed divorce. I’m feeling more comfortable with the situation. I’m going to be pretty upset if this isn’t real to say the least.

And, of course, if it’s not one thing it’s another. I have somehow developed another nervous habit. Clenching my hands. I clench and unclench all day long. I can control it when I think about it, but I don’t realize I’m doing it until I am doing it. So by then someone has noticed. It’s not that apparent unless you are sitting right next to me or across from me. I talked to my therapist about it and she didn’t really come up with any good ideas how to stop except relaxing, other ways to relieve tension, the usual useless advice for anxiety. I’m going back to work in a week and I don’t feel any closer to getting it under control.

Anxiety Again.

I’m finally giving in to my elevating anxiety.  My anxiety is starting to swirl again and I’m losing ground. I’ve decided to go to a psychologist. I’ll see if it is me or my medication needs tweaking again. I may even ask for EMDR to help deal with past trauma and a few phobias that are affecting my everyday life and interfering with my family relationships.

It really sucks to have to do this again.  Having to repeat what my present problems are and then having to go over my entire life story.  I have said it so many times to so many professionals over the years I’m not sure I will even cry or tear up anymore.  That at least is a plus.

I have an image of me bringing my medications in a tote and pouring them out on her table and saying, shouldn’t this be enough? I’m 49 soon and I am exhausted.  I know I’m not the only one that has this problem of maintaining mental health with Bipolar II.  I don’t know why I keep expecting things to work.  Maybe I need to give in to the fact there is never going to be a permanent solution and I will have to work on this forever.  Why haven’t I ever realized this before?  Probably because I felt so good the those six months last year!

Minding My Own Business

I was out walking my dog. I have a miniature poodle that lifts his leg on everything during the walk. He’s empty before we make it past our bushes, but yet he continues to try to mark anything and everything if I slow down even in the slightest.

This particular day he lifted his leg on the wrong bush. A disturbingly angry man started yelling at me. It was too loud, too angry and it sent a cold trickle of fear through my center. I turned around to look and an old man was standing inside his house yelling though the living room window. He kept yelling things like; “What kind of person am I that I would let my dog pee on his bush?” and “I’m going to call the police”, etc. I tried to explain he wasn’t peeing, but the man was making so much noise he couldn’t hear me. Finally I turned around and began walking again, using the universal arm wave that says “Whatever”.

It looked like the whole situation was over. And it was to him and anyone else who was listening, but to me it wasn’t. My head was spinning. I cried all the way home. I felt like I had been transported back to my childhood.

I haven’t been able to get myself to go out for a walk since. I try all the self-talk, all the logic, etc. I’ve listened to all the advice.  And I still can’t do it. I will. I know I will, it just might take a little longer this time.  At my age now I’ve realized that sometimes it’s okay to be kind and gentle with myself.