Tag: Mental Health

I feel like hell.

Published on by cmglifeLeave a comment

I started this blog because I needed to talk about my life anonymously after being diagnosed with a mental illness that caused me shame and devastation. Well, that is how I saw it back then.

Today, I feel different than I have in a great while.

I have not been able to write honestly about some events in my life in the last few years because to write about things, I would have to think about them.

All I am doing today is crying. Not quite sure why. It may be built-up stress, disappointment, and a bit of loneliness. I just contradicted myself; I do know why I have been crying all day.

So why not take advantage of this crying day I thought?

Here is the the update from the last few years in the quickest and most vaguest way possible:

My dad almost died two years ago. My sister and daughter lied about everything to do with his care. I realized they were gaslighting me, and worse still, I was gaslighting myself (all my life, it turns out).

I lost a promotion to a younger, less experienced person. I needed the position because I knew my position might be eliminated due to school budget cuts. I had to work with her, feeling humiliated, all year.

My new supervisor made my life miserable. She was jealous because I succeeded every time she set me up to fail.

My dad got very sick again and died. He suffered so much because of the neglect from my sister. No one can convince me otherwise—neglect partly from denying me access.

Just as I had predicted, I lost my job. I have been looking for work since May. It is not going well.

What is still a constant weight is that my sister and daughter continue to alienate me. I do not know my grandchildren. They preach Jesus, but these are the people who give Christianity a bad name.

I do not want to say anything positive today. Next time.

Empaths, Narcissists, and ADHD

Published on by cmglife

Not only do I suffer from all of the things I suffer from (listed below )I am also an empath. There is a lot of deep and life long suffering due to this one.

I began investigating more on being an empath because of a new situation I find myself in. I’m being moved from my old position at work to a new position (not my decision) with a narcissist as my supervisor.

For this post, I looked around to find guidance incase someone would like to know more. I let out an “oh for goodness sake” coupled with my ever present eye roll when I read this: Empaths, Narcissists, and ADHD

It feels like narcissists hook on to almost anything (that’s why they are narcissists…they infiltrate every possible weakness known to the human condition).

I still haven’t made a good plan yet. I love my job and unlike most of the staff, I get a mental health boost when I’m there. I am really worried about being able to stay if I cannot figure out how to live with this situation 8 hours a day, day after day.

My one plan is to study and practice responses. I’m going to research how being an empath can actually be a positive for me. There has got to be a way to spin this.

This is a complete list of things I have been diagnosed with:

Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar 2, Bipolar Depression, ADHD, Complex PTSD, Treatment Resistant Depression, Hypothyroidism, Raynaud’s syndrome, Female

I know “female” isn’t technically a condition, but it does apply here. Whenever I investigate anything I have or think I might have the percentages in our population and severity are always higher for women.

Oh, forgot two other syndromes worth mentioning….BIARW (Believing I am Really Witty) and OOABMW (Only One Amused by My Wittiness).

When can we get in on this PRIDE thing?

Published on by cmglife

Today, on the last day of PRIDE month, it dawned on me….how do I (and other mental illness sufferers) get a PRIDE thing of our own? I want to feel safe to come out too.

I spent an hour writing four paragraphs of how we can’t come out and then I deleted them. What I had written is not necessary because we know the truth of having to live with a mood disorder. The constant spread of misinformation in this society keeps us scared and hidden.

I think our word would have to be different entirely, because I do not feel proud. I don’t know how I could. It would be like feeling proud living with diabetes or heart disease. Both, by the way, have a huge impact on health, but no stigma.

Here is what I came up with:

RESILIENCE Month – boring

BRAVE Month – boring

GRIT Month – I like this one, but it’s got a “mechanic feel” that doesn’t feel right.

COMPASSION Month – Could refer to anything.

I needed help coming up with more words for our very own PRIDE month so, of course, I searched Google hoping that maybe AI could come up with something better.

This one sentence below says more than I could have said in a thousand paragraphs .