Tag: loss

Self-righteousness, you’ve outstayed your welcome.

Published on by cmglife1 Comment

I wouldn’t say I suffer or have suffered from self loathing. Feeling pathetic, lonely, stupid, annoying and unworthy better describes these feelings I’ve had off and on.

One of my other traits is self-righteousness, I think I’ve mentioned this. I decided to look up the actual traits.

According to AI, moral superiority, harsh judgment, inflexibilty and lack of empathy.

While this is very much me, but as is common, I’m not all of these things and definetly do not suffer from lack of empathy, the opposite actually. It caused a lot of emotional pain sometimes.

So what is my problem?! A bit of feeling superior, harsh, and inflexibility feels like me, but not in a way that the person or situation is aware of most of the time. This goes on in my head and sometimes bubbles over to my friends. No judgment to them, but “ranting” and “raving” about whatever I deem unacceptable.

I’m going to work on this with my therapist because I’m not sure I want to feel this way anymore. I mean the distance between empath (which is true) and the three other traits do not make sense to me.

My theory is that because of my childhood and mental health, I developed this view on life because I needed something absolute—a way of thinking I could trust.

Years ago I was told that I was a good person because I made the right moral choices. I didn’t understand why I was complimented. I told the person that if you always pick the right thing it’s not hard.

Seriously? Well, I was really young. Is that a superiority trait?

I don’t think inflexibility describes me. In my own head and what I will allow, etc., it is true. With other people, I think that’s where the empathy kicks in.

So now I have to admit to the last one, and the reason is I am feeling judgmental. For someone who says they don’t judge, this one was a biggie.

It was the judgment I put on my sister after my dad died. It is definitely a complex situation with my sister these days, but that really doesn’t apply to this.

I wrote:

“My dad got very sick again and died. He suffered so much because of the neglect from my sister. No one can convince me otherwise—neglect partly from denying me access.”

Soooooo…..not good. Not the way I want to think. I’m usually not that harsh, even when inside my head.

I believe I hung onto that statement because I have been hurt by her. I was devastated about my dad dying and the way I saw him suffering. I was a wreck. At my job, at home, talking to my friends. I had no control over anything. I didn’t have anyone who was there to talk to. It just festered.

It turns out a lot of this was grief. I finally was strong enough to start a slideshow I had been wanting to do all year. I organized the photos by category: Year, dad, brother, father, grandad, funny….

I started to smile and giggle at some of the photos. All of a sudden without even trying I came back to myself. Even though I’ve been angry with him for so long allowing so many things that hurt me, that wasn’t all him and I loved him. I actually miss him now…grief moving along.

Self-righteousness is not helping me to live anymore, it’s hurting.

Even though my sister does not read my blog, I’m making a retraction and I feel sorry.

I’m going to try to figure out a better right way to live again.

Wait till you hear this….

Published on by cmglife

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (down to every 3 months, thank you very much). He’s been my doctor for so long, I’ve watched him turn gray.

I didn’t plan it. It came to me in the waiting room when I was filling out that f***ing depression scale form. Sorry, I must feel passionately about how much I hate that f***ing form to make me swear.

I told my doctor that for the first time in my life I feel things are going my way.

For two years I’ve had a hard time, but not related to my mental health, chemically that is. It’s been my dad being sick twice and then dying, losing my job, the consistent rejection from my sister and daughter and all the feelings and worry they generated.

The things that are going my way seem boring at first glance, but that is the way it is for most of us I think. I don’t require a lot to feel this way. Getting cheap insurance, a bit of money from my dad’s estate, ketamine, friends, business, and cats doing well, etc. It also includes my car running well, exercising, loving my house, affording my house, getting my first physical — where the doctor asked if I have had botox, which I have not.

And while all the bad things were not “luck” or “fate,” neither are the good things. I continued to think deeply about that statement. I realized I work hard, mentally, physically, and financially, to finally be able to say it.

I don’t know what is up ahead, but what a calm feeling to have for now (calm has never been in my “mood” selection).

Now for something serious.

Published on by cmglife

It’s been a year since my oldest daughter has let me see my beloved grandchildren. She just moved back to town, an eight minute drive that I have only made once.

During a series of unfortunate events, she has ostracized me, banished me from her life. Only in my imagination and deep down believing it to be true I deserve this complete rejection, loss and humiliation.

I can’t go on right now because even after a year I can only keep this at bay before it envelops me once again in complete despair.

Tiles for everthing!

Published on by cmglife

Is it paranoia to suspect I have gremlins following me around moving things I have just put down?  I wasn’t paranoid before, years ago, but I didn’t have that problem then.  I’ve put “Tiles” on my two sets of keys and my purse, my most lost items.  I think I’ve already saved a couple of searching hours in the last month.

I’ve lost my wedding ring, my work keys, $1400 in cash to name a few. It’s like I spend time thinking where I should put these valuable items and then immediately forget. It’s like when I change a password, if I don’t immediately put in in my phone, I forget it. Then I have to change it a second time.

I know it is a side effect of my Bipolar condition. Memory loss. It feels more like memory slipping through my fingers.

I make jokes at work when something is missing, “have you looked in my safe place”. Of course there is no such place. More like a black hole of important never to be seen again items.

I did track down where I had left my work keys. I threw them in the trash with a plastic drop cloth I was using for painting. So now I have to lurk around waiting for another coworker so I can follow them in, or have to ring the bell. How humiliating.

Then there was the $1400 cash.  I had my furnace fixed and confidently when upstairs to get cash to pay the invoice.  I went directly to an old purse hanging in my closet. The money wasn’t there because the purse was gone, I had given it to Goodwill the week before! I frantically called Goodwill and told them my story and could they look for it.  The manager was wonderful and said she would do what she could.

While I was waiting for her to call back with triumph in her voice, I began to think. Round and round in my head, searching for a clue in my overworked brain that would lead me to another tenuous memory. Waiting for that revelation when the clues finally lead me to the money. I rummaged through everything for hours. Even places I knew the money couldn’t possibly be.

Then it happened (angel’s chorus).  I looked at the picture on my wall and all the gears slid into place. I had hidden the money behind the picture frame!  It must’ve taken it out before I put the purse in the pile for goodwill.

I love it when I am that smart! I just wish it wasn’t wasted on my scatterbrainess (made up word). I called up Goodwill and thanked them profusely.

I don’t think it’s going to end or get any better, and I haven’t come up with a system to fix it yet. Well, that may not be true. I haven’t tried attaching Tiles to all my important items with glue dots.