My last post, I was feeling like hell. There were definitely explanations for how unusually down I was, but I believe now more than anything else, I was due for a ketamine infusion.

Even while I’m not suffering from depression the way I used to, I still have a hard time recognizing a downward spiral. I think it’s because for most of my life I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and since then I still make excuses.

In the pre-ketamine era, none of the drugs worked on me, so I was paralyzed about changing any medication or dosages in case I felt worse. I stayed on Depakote, which caused so many terrible side effects: double vision, intermittent tremors, and slurred speech, to name a few. I was actually diagnosed with Functional Neurologic Disorder by a neurologist, until a year later when he told me the drugs were causing the symptoms. I knew all along it was the Depakote, but it still took me two years into ketamine to make me stop. Those side effects are gone. I still have some tremors, but at least I can write my name legibly.

My therapist and I wrote a depression checklist tailored to me. I’ve included it below. It’s a bit raggedy, I’ve had it for so many years. I think the most important instruction is: it doesn’t matter how much or how little, acknowledge the feeling. And check it.

And I forgot to check it.

Good news for me—I had an infusion at the end of last week. The difference since then has been less worrying and clearer thinking (making decisions, etc.). One symptom I have is feeling unloved; that’s a hard one because it spreads into feeling pathetic about feeling lonely. That’s better now too.