Tag: Ketamine

Wait till you hear this….

Published on by cmglifeLeave a comment

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (down to every 3 months, thank you very much). He’s been my doctor for so long, I’ve watched him turn gray.

I didn’t plan it. It came to me in the waiting room when I was filling out that f***ing depression scale form. Sorry, I must feel passionately about how much I hate that f***ing form to make me swear.

I told my doctor that for the first time in my life I feel things are going my way.

For two years I’ve had a hard time, but not related to my mental health, chemically that is. It’s been my dad being sick twice and then dying, losing my job, the consistent rejection from my sister and daughter and all the feelings and worry they generated.

The things that are going my way seem boring at first glance, but that is the way it is for most of us I think. I don’t require a lot to feel this way. Getting cheap insurance, a bit of money from my dad’s estate, ketamine, friends, business, and cats doing well, etc. It also includes my car running well, exercising, loving my house, affording my house, getting my first physical — where the doctor asked if I have had botox, which I have not.

And while all the bad things were not “luck” or “fate,” neither are the good things. I continued to think deeply about that statement. I realized I work hard, mentally, physically, and financially, to finally be able to say it.

I don’t know what is up ahead, but what a calm feeling to have for now (calm has never been in my “mood” selection).

Depression Checklist

Published on by cmglife

My last post, I was feeling like hell. There were definitely explanations for how unusually down I was, but I believe now more than anything else, I was due for a ketamine infusion.

Even while I’m not suffering from depression the way I used to, I still have a hard time recognizing a downward spiral. I think it’s because for most of my life I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and since then I still make excuses.

In the pre-ketamine era, none of the drugs worked on me, so I was paralyzed about changing any medication or dosages in case I felt worse. I stayed on Depakote, which caused so many terrible side effects: double vision, intermittent tremors, and slurred speech, to name a few. I was actually diagnosed with Functional Neurologic Disorder by a neurologist, until a year later when he told me the drugs were causing the symptoms. I knew all along it was the Depakote, but it still took me two years into ketamine to make me stop. Those side effects are gone. I still have some tremors, but at least I can write my name legibly.

My therapist and I wrote a depression checklist tailored to me. I’ve included it below. It’s a bit raggedy, I’ve had it for so many years. I think the most important instruction is: it doesn’t matter how much or how little, acknowledge the feeling. And check it.

And I forgot to check it.

Good news for me—I had an infusion at the end of last week. The difference since then has been less worrying and clearer thinking (making decisions, etc.). One symptom I have is feeling unloved; that’s a hard one because it spreads into feeling pathetic about feeling lonely. That’s better now too.

depression check list

Another Ketamine Update

Published on by cmglife

Update on my last Ketamine fusion and how it has changed my life.  I could really stop there; that says it all. 

Let me step away for a minute and count the exact days on my calendar hanging on my fridge dedicated to my depression free days from infusion to infusion.  33 days.

I try to keep in mind that ketamine is a treatment, not a cure.  I remind myself that I still have bipolar 2 and Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD).  When I remind myself of that, I think of it for a minute and then push it away. 

Occasionally, I have what I call a “dip” (my old name and feeling was “falling off a cliff”) thank God that hasn’t happened since the treatment started working. That sense of dread when a dip moment occurs, and I don’t know the reason for it.  My poor old brain leaps right to “it’s back”.

I think I’ve found an explanation. I don’t know what emotions people with healthy brains feel.  I give it some thought and come up with a few reasons.

Most likely it’s stress. Stress has always been a killer for me. 

It could be from working too much and anxiety from that. 

Worrying about money (definitely).

I’ll keep writing about the ketamine, but I really want to start writing about my day-to-day things again. My posts have been so heavy for a long time they need a little nonsense.

Ketamine Infusion Update

Published on by cmglife

I know I said last time I posted I would keep up on the progress the ketamine infusions was making to my Treatment Resistance Depression (TRD). I’m sorry if you were curious and I didn’t.

I think it maybe because it is working so miraculously that I didn’t feel the need to write tragic feelings of desperation that I so often did.

I hardly write in my journal anymore except for interesting things that happen during the day.

I’m still suffering from PTSD reactions, ketamine on its own hasn’t helped. My therapist has agreed to go with me next time and guide me through some of the events that still trigger them. Research shows that it is also very helpful to talk through the events during the euphoria therefore being able to reframe them.

I’ve attached my calendar that I check off daily. when I’m feeling not depressed.

If it’s a little worse for wear, I think that’s a good sign that I’m actually using it everyday.

Back to the End

Published on by cmglife

It’s been 2 1/2 years since I’ve posted. I don’t know why, I thought about it every once in a while. I thought  about how good it used to do for me and why I couldn’t do it anymore. 

Maybe it was living with bouts of depression day to day was infiltrating even that. I’ve been dangling by a thread for a long time. How did I keep my grip? And more importantly why did I keep it? Sharing what was happening in my life was the original reason I started my blog to figure out my life and emotions with a Bipolar 2 diagnosis.

I’m able to write again because I found something amazing. Before I began to write again, I forced myself to read back through the entries that prevented me from writing. I read the latest three and that was all I could take. Reading the posts and remembering the pain of depression and hopelessness was too much.

In September 2021, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with TRD (Treatment Resistant Depression). That name alone caused a new degree of hopelessness. Experts say that a person needs
to try at least four different treatments before depression can be truly considered treatment resistant. I’ve tried five, maybe more, my doctor didn’t have to root through the 11-year file he has on me to come to this conclusion. Not only antidepressants alone, but combinations like Seroquel or Abilify.

So here is the amazing thing, I started ketamine infusions March 18. I had my 3rd one on March
25, last Friday. That makes three. For the first time I’m feeling a difference. I am a “slow starter” according to the doctor so that is why it took the third ketamine infusion to start to make a difference.

What does “feeling a difference” mean to me? Happy, for only three days I’ve noticed a real happy, not a manic happy. Even just a taste of this emotion that I haven’t had for so long is like a drink of water when you are thirsty. I am sharper, more focused.

I’m going to keep writing about this experience with hope. I haven’t had hope for a very long time and it’s nice to welcome it back.