I began writing my blog from a need to accept my newly diagnosed self with Bipolar II. At that time, except for my marriage, that seemed to be my biggest struggle.
I wrote mostly about everyday things with a little humor. Those were good times.
My posts changed with my mother dying. The trauma of those two weeks coupled with my broken marriage wreaked havoc with my delicate emotional balance.
The next years became fraught with major life changes. My youngest daughter’s seizures, my narcissistic ex husband’s affair and the divorce.
I was thinking back to the last year and a half (which I try very hard not to do). My relationships with my children were falling apart. I was emotionally falling apart. During this turmoil I was still able to work full time and part time on the weekends, put on a happy face to the world. I had some bad moments where I was responsible. I had terrible moments that I was not. I was out of my abusive co-dependent marriage, but having withdrawals from the tiny crumbs of love that was all I had received for the last 27 years. I was 25 pounds overweight. My medicine was causing trouble and I was drinking a bottle of wine every night. To add to this pile of misery was my constant drive for perfection in everything from work, family and even the speed of my recovery. I was a mess.
Now to the present. I am 25 pounds lighter, no more drinking wine every night, medicine stable and relationships repaired.
I’ve still got a ton to fix, but I’m finally coming out the other end and I can tell my stories with humor again. I can write how I fixed and am fixing so many things.
The most important indication of my new found hope was changing all my passwords to happy words with exclamation marks!
I feel complaining about insignificant things and labeling them “FWP” exonerates me from being a whiny spoiled person living in the best place in the world. I’m also a jaded ex-catholic, so there is already a layer of guilt underneath everything I say and do.
I want to post this for another reason. With the hell I’ve been going through for the past year from medication side effects, divorce, being ostracized by my children and doing all of this in a delicate mental condition, I welcome superficial trivial problems.
Here is one now:
Well, so far this is a very good day! I colored my hair this week from an online hair color boasting it is just like the professional color. I don’t know why I bother. The brown of my hair turned out beautifully but the white came out a light brownish reddish. Anyway……I used the last of my root concealer two days ago (forgot all about covering my roots on Tuesday and was out doing errands for four hours). Luckily I wasn’t aware so had all of the confidence of a good looking person. Back to my roots (pardon the pun) I was even debating wearing one of Allison’s hats to hit the Walgreens early before too many people were there to get a new can of concealer. In the bathroom I took one more last ditch effort, fingers crossed, to look in the bathroom closet. There it was buried under cold medicine…..half a can!!! Halejuha!
Dear Life: please keep bringing on those kind of problems. I really need a break. xoxo
So much anger.
I was feeling pretty strong against the ex-husband and his girlfriend yesterday morning.
He is trying to pass her off as his roommate. No one knows what I know about how they were sleeping together a full 6 months before I asked for the divorce. Even the children seem to have been fooled. I can’t say anything to anyone because when it is all said and done I’m taking the high road as usual (not willingly believe me). I Looking back at how outrageously (even for him) his behavior was during that time I believe I was manipulated (AGAIN) into asking for the divorce.
So I checked Facebook to see if I was truly able to handle it.
He was on her page with a selfie of themselves. Under the comments was a comment from my mother in law saying “Just a couple of kids!”
I was so angry, hurt and other things I can’t even name that I went into a horrible spiral of depression and anxiety. It was a pretty dark day.
I got up this morning and felt much better. I tested the memory of yesterday to see if they still held their sting and they did. Good news for me is not as painful. Then it dawned on me that checking Facebook was in essence breaking the No Contact rule! That is the real key to recovery and now I have to start all over again! I had 4 whole weeks under my belt.
I’ve been doing EMDR for a whole host of things in the last few months. When this woman moved into my old house with him I had to see my therapist twice a week for two weeks. I have sooooo much more work to do.
I hate him. I hate them. I haven’t really been able to enjoy any of my freedom from him because he’s still getting to me but on a higher and different level. When will this get better? When can I finally feel better?
Its just like you when you try every trick in the book to lose weight and it always comes back to diet and exercise. Time heals all wounds.
Blocking all of them and taking the Facebook app of my phone is a good measure as well.
Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury.