I wouldn’t say I suffer or have suffered from self loathing. Feeling pathetic, lonely, stupid, annoying and unworthy better describes these feelings I’ve had off and on.

One of my other traits is self-righteousness, I think I’ve mentioned this. I decided to look up the actual traits.

According to AI, moral superiority, harsh judgment, inflexibilty and lack of empathy.

While this is very much me, but as is common, I’m not all of these things and definetly do not suffer from lack of empathy, the opposite actually. It caused a lot of emotional pain sometimes.

So what is my problem?! A bit of feeling superior, harsh, and inflexibility feels like me, but not in a way that the person or situation is aware of most of the time. This goes on in my head and sometimes bubbles over to my friends. No judgment to them, but “ranting” and “raving” about whatever I deem unacceptable.

I’m going to work on this with my therapist because I’m not sure I want to feel this way anymore. I mean the distance between empath (which is true) and the three other traits do not make sense to me.

My theory is that because of my childhood and mental health, I developed this view on life because I needed something absolute—a way of thinking I could trust.

Years ago I was told that I was a good person because I made the right moral choices. I didn’t understand why I was complimented. I told the person that if you always pick the right thing it’s not hard.

Seriously? Well, I was really young. Is that a superiority trait?

I don’t think inflexibility describes me. In my own head and what I will allow, etc., it is true. With other people, I think that’s where the empathy kicks in.

So now I have to admit to the last one, and the reason is I am feeling judgmental. For someone who says they don’t judge, this one was a biggie.

It was the judgment I put on my sister after my dad died. It is definitely a complex situation with my sister these days, but that really doesn’t apply to this.

I wrote:

“My dad got very sick again and died. He suffered so much because of the neglect from my sister. No one can convince me otherwise—neglect partly from denying me access.”

Soooooo…..not good. Not the way I want to think. I’m usually not that harsh, even when inside my head.

I believe I hung onto that statement because I have been hurt by her. I was devastated about my dad dying and the way I saw him suffering. I was a wreck. At my job, at home, talking to my friends. I had no control over anything. I didn’t have anyone who was there to talk to. It just festered.

It turns out a lot of this was grief. I finally was strong enough to start a slideshow I had been wanting to do all year. I organized the photos by category: Year, dad, brother, father, grandad, funny….

I started to smile and giggle at some of the photos. All of a sudden without even trying I came back to myself. Even though I’ve been angry with him for so long allowing so many things that hurt me, that wasn’t all him and I loved him. I actually miss him now…grief moving along.

Self-righteousness is not helping me to live anymore, it’s hurting.

Even though my sister does not read my blog, I’m making a retraction and I feel sorry.

I’m going to try to figure out a better right way to live again.