Category: Ketamine infusion

Wait till you hear this….

Published on by cmglifeLeave a comment

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday (down to every 3 months, thank you very much). He’s been my doctor for so long, I’ve watched him turn gray.

I didn’t plan it. It came to me in the waiting room when I was filling out that f***ing depression scale form. Sorry, I must feel passionately about how much I hate that f***ing form to make me swear.

I told my doctor that for the first time in my life I feel things are going my way.

For two years I’ve had a hard time, but not related to my mental health, chemically that is. It’s been my dad being sick twice and then dying, losing my job, the consistent rejection from my sister and daughter and all the feelings and worry they generated.

The things that are going my way seem boring at first glance, but that is the way it is for most of us I think. I don’t require a lot to feel this way. Getting cheap insurance, a bit of money from my dad’s estate, ketamine, friends, business, and cats doing well, etc. It also includes my car running well, exercising, loving my house, affording my house, getting my first physical — where the doctor asked if I have had botox, which I have not.

And while all the bad things were not “luck” or “fate,” neither are the good things. I continued to think deeply about that statement. I realized I work hard, mentally, physically, and financially, to finally be able to say it.

I don’t know what is up ahead, but what a calm feeling to have for now (calm has never been in my “mood” selection).

Depression Checklist

Published on by cmglife

My last post, I was feeling like hell. There were definitely explanations for how unusually down I was, but I believe now more than anything else, I was due for a ketamine infusion.

Even while I’m not suffering from depression the way I used to, I still have a hard time recognizing a downward spiral. I think it’s because for most of my life I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and since then I still make excuses.

In the pre-ketamine era, none of the drugs worked on me, so I was paralyzed about changing any medication or dosages in case I felt worse. I stayed on Depakote, which caused so many terrible side effects: double vision, intermittent tremors, and slurred speech, to name a few. I was actually diagnosed with Functional Neurologic Disorder by a neurologist, until a year later when he told me the drugs were causing the symptoms. I knew all along it was the Depakote, but it still took me two years into ketamine to make me stop. Those side effects are gone. I still have some tremors, but at least I can write my name legibly.

My therapist and I wrote a depression checklist tailored to me. I’ve included it below. It’s a bit raggedy, I’ve had it for so many years. I think the most important instruction is: it doesn’t matter how much or how little, acknowledge the feeling. And check it.

And I forgot to check it.

Good news for me—I had an infusion at the end of last week. The difference since then has been less worrying and clearer thinking (making decisions, etc.). One symptom I have is feeling unloved; that’s a hard one because it spreads into feeling pathetic about feeling lonely. That’s better now too.

depression check list