Tag: divorce

Can Housework Fix a Broken Marriage?

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

I talked to my psychiatrist today. He asked how my relationship with John was going. I started to tell him and then it dawned on me that I haven’t really thought about it lately. Has it happened again? Has he lulled me into a false state of security? I started to panic and blame myself for being so stupid again, but then I said to myself, “It’s okay. “

I’m still not wearing my wedding ring. I still have the divorce papers filed. I still haven’t planned our vacation in July. I may have started to enjoy the new John because he is being very nice, loving and patient, but I cannot forget that it won’t last. It has only been 6 weeks since he said he will go for therapy. He has gone twice.

I am very suspicious that he isn’t telling his therapist the whole story. After his first visit I was asked to write two things that I would like John to do. I wrote a paragraph about how he treats me and the family. The first thing I wanted him to do is to treat us better.

John came home with a chore list from the therapist. Not a chore list of things he should work on, but a list to organize his family to do chores, literally chores. Cleaning the bathroom, kitchen etc. She must have been told by John that this was the whole reason for our problems.

False Idol

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I don’t know what to say about the last month. I realized that it has only been a little over 30 days since I filed the divorce papers and John decided to go to therapy.

I must say I was a bit disappointed because I was excited to get on with a new life. One without fear and dread every time I saw my husband.

Nowadays it is just plain weird. He is being nice to me. I am at the point that I feel the need to test his good mood. He hasn’t had a flair up and it’s so unusual that it’s unnerving me. I’ve heard about battered women and that as the tension builds that they just wish he would hit her and get it over with. I suppose as an emotionally abused woman maybe it is the same for me. I’m not sure.

I actually tested him. This really is not like me to rock the boat. Prepare yourself for the ridiculous…….

We’ve had the same dish brush for the last 20+ years. John refuses to throw it out. Yes, that is what you read, a dish brush. There was a fight about it a couple of years ago because I tried to throw it away. I must’ve been in a state of true mania, but there you have it, I tossed it. He went on his usual rant and dug it out of the trash. He didn’t just dig through it, he flung trash all over the floor, yelling and going on like finding this thing was a life or death emergency.

Sunday I was doing the dishes and decided to test the waters. I put the revered dish brush in the trash. Lay it right on top. Kept the cupboard open with the trash can sticking out. It was practically begging to be seen. I wanted to see his reaction.

I know he hasn’t been to the therapist for long enough to see a difference in his soul, but is the way he’s been behaving an act or is he really trying to change? Yes, my opinion of him and our marriage rested solely on an old dish brush.

He didn’t see it. I forgot about it until that night and had to unearth it from the bottom of the trash. I will try again, maybe not today or tomorrow.  Maybe not with the dish brush, but I will try again.

You may be saying to yourself, “This just isn’t normal”.

And you would be right.

I Miss Nonsense

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Gosh, I just realized how much my blog has taken a turn for the dark and depressing.

Remember the nonsense posts of Breaking Records, Dancing Queen, The Creamer and Wine Diet and Pretty Boy Crushes to name a few?

They were the posts of the good old days when I was only battling my bi-polar condition and medication. I wasn’t level enough to have handled my mom’s dying at that time. I certainly couldn’t have faced up to my abusive marriage and actually planning to leave instead of just fantasizing about it.

There must have been such a pile up of things that could only happened while I am well enough to deal with them.  It must be God’s way of giving me only what I can handle.

Not to worry, I’ll get my old posts back as soon as my life stops “playing catch up”.

Misguided Rage

Published on by cmglife

What I realized this morning is that the rage I’d been waiting for wasn’t coming for me at all. John had to have some release, but he has too much too lose to rage against me at the moment because of the big D hanging above his head.

I knew it was coming. It didn’t dawn on me it could be for Tristan.  I can handle it, was even looking forward to it in a strange twisted way so I could finally move on. That’s what I figured I needed for the final “sayonara sucker”.

I was woken up at 11:30 last night to John showing me the texts he had been sending to Tristan that were going unanswered. I knew Tristan was at work until a 2 am doing inventory. I knew he had taken the old Subaru because he couldn’t find the keys to his car. John did not know any of this, until he showed me the ranting texts and I told him. Ten in a row about not believing he was at work, the car being stolen, going to call the police if he didn’t answer the texts. Oh, God, it went on and on. Nothing new.

He hasn’t been for the therapy yet. It’s been a week. I’ve got to come up with a time frame for this to happen before I give him the divorce papers.

He’s going to be home in a few hours. How do I act? I feel a bit sick.

The Last Thing I Would Have Expected….

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I was already to leave.  I had my mind made up, part of me felt really good and then the unexpected happened. I started talking to John about what I thought would be the 4th and final “I want a divorce” talk. You know what he sprung on me? Therapy. He said he would go to therapy to keep me! Not couples therapy, but therapy for him!

Unfortunately, according to what I’ve read, this is right on cue for a narcissist. He’s been “love bombing” me all weekend. This is what they do when they are faced with abandonment.

I don’t think it will last. He can usually only keep the nice guy routine up for a few weeks, if that. The difference is this year I am not going to get sucked back in, I’m not falling for it again. If the therapy doesn’t work I’ve got all my ducks in a row .

I am keeping the papers filed and am continuing with the divorce process.  I guess I’m playing both sides of the fence. I want to see if the therapy works.

So many emotions today. Disappointment. Apprehension. Suspicion. Strangely no relief or happiness with this new turn of events.

My Divorce, Step 3

Published on by cmglife

I don’t know how I’ve been lately. It’s kind of a state of being in the past, present and future all day long.

The past is full of bad memories of being bullied into a Vegas wedding, moving to North Dakota and getting a second job to name but a few.

The present is full of resentment for the past, cringing when I see his car in the driveway and dreading when he gets home.

The future is full of fear, dread and a happiness I’m afraid I shouldn’t be feeling.

Today it’s fear. I signed the papers. 26 year marriage over in 15 minutes.

I walked out to the car afterwards. At the door I almost started to cry and then I said out loud,

“Buck up! This is what you’ve always wanted”.

My Divorce, Step 2

Published on by cmglife

So I asked him for a divorce, well, sort of.  We went out to lunch and I brought up our relationship problems.  I said I think it is time to get a divorce.  And it just kind of got lost in the conversation. I didn’t want to push it. I was completely drained of courage just bringing up the subject.

I didn’t blame or tell him the real reason I want a divorce. That would just start an avalanche of accusations and blame on me. It never works to confront a narcissist with their bad behavior. They just end up turning it around on you, no matter how bizarre or untrue it is.

We talked about being unhappy, not having anything in common, etc. and after lunch we went to Cosco.

Is that the way all divorce conversations go?

Ice Tsunami

Published on by cmglife

I haven’t asked for the divorce yet.  I am waiting for the right time, but I have the same steely resolve.

I can’t stop thinking of the last two decades of bullying and tears. The old memories keep flooding in.  It’s like the phenomenon know as an “ice shove”, when ice from a lake or ocean surges forward onto land.  The ice is my memories anmaxresdefaultd they have been shoved to my door step where they can no longer be ignored or tolerated.

It seems like there are thousands of stories and they keep popping up in my mind all day long.  It has to be done. I have to be free, once and for all.

First Step

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I went to see a lawyer today.  The trick is to have as much in order by the time I tell him I want a divorce.  Otherwise, he will convince me I’m not capable of leaving him.  He will begin to belittle me, make me doubt myself.

I did begin to waffle last night.  I was getting very confused until I went to my journal.  I began keeping it last year.  Smart.  I read it. Then I brought to the front of my brain my children and how much the older two have suffered from this man.  The youngest is still trauma free, but not for long.  She is of age to start getting his wrath.

If you’ve ever been under the thumb of a narcissist you understand how they can worm their way back by scattering crumbs that you gobble up to relieve your emotional starvation. It never took much for me.  I had a narcissist mother.  I went from one narc to another. I guess I thought that was a normal relationship dynamic.

I still hear of couples getting married or saying how much they love each other and it mystifies me.  I know pure love for my children, dad and sister.  I don’t know what true romantic love feels like.

I’m really scared.  Oh, God, please help me get through this….

Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist

Published on by cmglife

I have a secret. My husband, John, is a Narcissist. I have been living with him for 26 years, slowly being sucked dry of any sense of self. I haven’t had the courage to leave him until now. I am posting this tonight because maybe by going public I will not back down again and truly go through with leaving him this time. I’m filled with fear and dread. This post I’m reblogging is a summary of my marriage.

ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse's avatarAfter Narcissistic Abuse


Self-Doubt

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF

Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.

This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissist’s personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didn’t do or say. This borrowed humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist. Their own unfelt core of shame.

2. CONFUSION

confusion

Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand the CONFUSION that is part and…

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