First Step

I went to see a lawyer today.  The trick is to have as much in order by the time I tell him I want a divorce.  Otherwise, he will convince me I’m not capable of leaving him.  He will begin to belittle me, make me doubt myself.

I did begin to waffle last night.  I was getting very confused until I went to my journal.  I began keeping it last year.  Smart.  I read it. Then I brought to the front of my brain my children and how much the older two have suffered from this man.  The youngest is still trauma free, but not for long.  She is of age to start getting his wrath.

If you’ve ever been under the thumb of a narcissist you understand how they can worm their way back by scattering crumbs that you gobble up to relieve your emotional starvation. It never took much for me.  I had a narcissist mother.  I went from one narc to another. I guess I thought that was a normal relationship dynamic.

I still hear of couples getting married or saying how much they love each other and it mystifies me.  I know pure love for my children, dad and sister.  I don’t know what true romantic love feels like.

I’m really scared.  Oh, God, please help me get through this….

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