What an amazing concept..”No Contact”

days with no contact.  I just realized that tonight and had to tell someone!

I’m in my wonderful new condo with Allison. I’m on the road to recovery.

I’ve had enough time to recover from last weekend’s move where John was drunk and wouldn’t let me back in “his” house to retrieve my clothes.  I had left them until last so I could take them in my car.  Talk about “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” it did.

I had been using the phrase “kicked me out” when describing the situation to my sister.

She said, “Stop saying that!  You have a place to go, he “wouldn’t let you back in”.  “Kicked you out” makes you sound weak and not in control, but you are in control, you have a place to go. ”

No Contact.  The most intelligent piece of advice to a give to a victim trying to get out of a narcissistic abusive relationship.

Here is my list of the amazing things I’ve managed to accomplish without him undermining my every move:

I got a mortgage by myself.  He always made it sound impossible.

I found an amazing condo by myself.

I organized the move even though he said the U Haul wasn’t big enough (it was)!

Don’t forget the fact that after trying three times in the last 27 years, I managed to divorce him even though the experience has been worse than imagined.  He sent me to the bottom of the pit and clawed my way back out.

I’ve decided my new birthday is March 4th, 2017!

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First Step

I went to see a lawyer today.  The trick is to have as much in order by the time I tell him I want a divorce.  Otherwise, he will convince me I’m not capable of leaving him.  He will begin to belittle me, make me doubt myself.

I did begin to waffle last night.  I was getting very confused until I went to my journal.  I began keeping it last year.  Smart.  I read it. Then I brought to the front of my brain my children and how much the older two have suffered from this man.  The youngest is still trauma free, but not for long.  She is of age to start getting his wrath.

If you’ve ever been under the thumb of a narcissist you understand how they can worm their way back by scattering crumbs that you gobble up to relieve your emotional starvation. It never took much for me.  I had a narcissist mother.  I went from one narc to another. I guess I thought that was a normal relationship dynamic.

I still hear of couples getting married or saying how much they love each other and it mystifies me.  I know pure love for my children, dad and sister.  I don’t know what true romantic love feels like.

I’m really scared.  Oh, God, please help me get through this….