Author: cmglife

Abilify Side Effects/Withdrawal

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Oh, where to begin. I suppose where I left off in August.

I still have my nervous clenching, now in my leg. It’s not a tapping, but a clenching. If I really concentrate I can stop it. The urge is still there, not a pleasant one, a very annoying one like an itch or when you want to pop your elbow or knuckles. I am also having trouble sitting still in general. The only time I get any relief is when I’m asleep and, of course, I can’t enjoy it.

I talked to my psychiatrist about it two months ago when it had been happening for about 6 weeks. He said it could be a side effect of the abilify. He said to see what happened with my psychologist and some relaxation training. Well I never did the relaxation training, I am a non-believer, it’s never worked for me at least.

Fast forward two months later, it’s worse and I am having more trouble controlling it. My doctor has diagnosed it as:

Akathisia – a movement disorder in which there is a feeling of inner restlessness and a strong urge to be constantly moving.

I do swear occasionally. I would love to let loose a tirade right now, but won’t in fear of offending anyone reading.

At my doctor’s backing I went off the abilify slowly. I have been totally off it now for about 5 days. Withdrawal symptoms are a crashing 4 day headache and listless/low grade depression, a little irritability, but not much else.

Since I still have the restlessness and clenching leg I started to research it on line to see if anyone else has this. I found a lot of people with it when taking abilify, some much worse than mine. I could have it in my face or arms. Mine is a little easier to conceal. The thing is that it could be permanent! I am just hoping the drug isn’t totally out of my brain yet.

This leads me to a real disappointment with my cocktail of medications I thought was tweaked to perfection. I’m also feeling a little sorry for myself.

Up to Speed

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I’ve been away from my blog for a while. It happens. I’ve been so submerged in Allison and her struggle with anxiety, starting to border on agoraphobia, her medication and also EMDR. She is doing much better by the way, I believe she has finally turned a corner and is on her way to some peace of mind.

I’ve been going to therapy for my anxiety too. The EMDR has been working. It’s like magic. I have to work hard and it is bringing up a lot of stuff I don’t want. I hate to have to admit that some of the things I have thought were being done to me were actually me.

My marriage is getting better. My therapist says everyone has the possibility to change. And it’s been since March 30 that I proposed divorce. I’m feeling more comfortable with the situation. I’m going to be pretty upset if this isn’t real to say the least.

And, of course, if it’s not one thing it’s another. I have somehow developed another nervous habit. Clenching my hands. I clench and unclench all day long. I can control it when I think about it, but I don’t realize I’m doing it until I am doing it. So by then someone has noticed. It’s not that apparent unless you are sitting right next to me or across from me. I talked to my therapist about it and she didn’t really come up with any good ideas how to stop except relaxing, other ways to relieve tension, the usual useless advice for anxiety. I’m going back to work in a week and I don’t feel any closer to getting it under control.

Narcissism vs. Alcohol

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Is alcoholism bigger than narcissism? I don’t know.  Maybe they are equal in my marriage right now.  If you read my post “It’s 11 p.m.” alcohol abuse explains it.

I drink too. I am not supposed to because of the medication I’m taking. I’ve only ever had an interaction with one medication, so I keep drinking. I don’t tell my psychiatrist because he would tell me to stop. He would also be very serious and maybe even a bit annoyed with me.

I drink wine every night. And because I can never be completely happy or content with myself I wonder if I have a drinking problem too.

I have read a lot of articles about how to stop.  Tips like taking a hot bath, a long walk or read instead of that second glass.  WTF?  Does that stuff work for anyone who is craving a drink?  No. For me, white knuckling it for a couple of weeks is the only way to go.  It’s just like chocolate, I either eat the whole king sized bar or nothing.  Breaking off two “squares” doesn’t work for me.

Hey, wait a minute, how did this post become about MY drinking?  Typical. It’s always been easier for me to take it on than to trust someone else to change.

Stay tuned for my next post, EMDR treatment…will it work?

It’s 11 p.m.

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It’s 11pm here.  Husband still isn’t home.  Last week he did the same thing by saying he was running an errand and then after numerous unanswered phone calls to him he arrived 6 hours later drunk.

Oh I told him what I thought of his behavior. This is something I would have never dared to do and he would have never tolerated in the old days (pre-divorce threat). He apologized and explained how it would not happen again.  I didn’t believe him.  It was the first chink I noticed in his new armour.

Now here I am sitting in bed writing this. Scared and confused actually.

Is the “love bombing” over that fast?  I only know about narcissists from what I have read recently.  So, although I had been sucked in before, I didn’t know it was happening.  I’ve been “love bombed” before as well, but it was just great to get some crumbs that I was starved for.

This seems to be a classic example of a narcissist not being able to keep it up for long.

Now it’s 11:30.

P.S.  U2 is touring. I don’t care (much). That’s the kind of state I’m in right now.  That really pisses me off!

Anxiety Again.

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I’m finally giving in to my elevating anxiety.  My anxiety is starting to swirl again and I’m losing ground. I’ve decided to go to a psychologist. I’ll see if it is me or my medication needs tweaking again. I may even ask for EMDR to help deal with past trauma and a few phobias that are affecting my everyday life and interfering with my family relationships.

It really sucks to have to do this again.  Having to repeat what my present problems are and then having to go over my entire life story.  I have said it so many times to so many professionals over the years I’m not sure I will even cry or tear up anymore.  That at least is a plus.

I have an image of me bringing my medications in a tote and pouring them out on her table and saying, shouldn’t this be enough? I’m 49 soon and I am exhausted.  I know I’m not the only one that has this problem of maintaining mental health with Bipolar II.  I don’t know why I keep expecting things to work.  Maybe I need to give in to the fact there is never going to be a permanent solution and I will have to work on this forever.  Why haven’t I ever realized this before?  Probably because I felt so good the those six months last year!

Panic!

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I was having a rough week.

My co-worker, Doris, was driving me crazy. She gossips, talks behind peoples’ backs and is so loud I think I’ll lose my mind, what’s left of it, of course.

My daughter, Emily, was trying to arrange for me to be in WI for the birth of my second grandchild.

My youngest daughter just started on an anti-depressant, the same dosage as me, at only 13! I haven’t quite thought through that one yet.

There is still that big old elephant in the living room that is my marriage.

We got a new puppy, thinking it would calm aforementioned younger daughter, Allison, and maybe she could get a good night’s sleep.

When Emily called with a date she would be induced into labor, I had two days to prepare and spend a small fortune on tickets.

When I got to my dad’s house so he could drive us to the airport I began to talk about how much Doris drives me crazy at work. He said I should confront her and gave me some great ways to do it.

When I got on the plane I was getting more relaxed because so much had been taken care of and we were on our way!

After the pilot’s okay, I reclined my seat. As soon as I did that the seat popped back into position again! I said to Allison, “Did you see that?”

She looked behind her in between the seats and mouthed, “It’s his knees”!

So I tried it again, the same thing happened.

I just sat there going to take it and not say anything. That is what I usually do.

”Wait a minute! “ I thought, “This upright seat hurts my neck and why am I always the one to suffer over someone else? He should have got stretch seating!”

So as I thought about this and Doris and my dad’s talk I began to formulate a plan that I thought would fit me the best to finally confront the situation.

I flagged down a flight attendant and told her there was something wrong with my seat. Every time I put it back it flipped forward. She looked at me strangely and then tried it herself. What do you think happened? It stayed in position! Amazing!

Almost immediately, even before I had been able to enjoy my victory I started to feel strange. I felt a bit light headed and nauseated. A “fog” was beginning to descend. I decided to close my eyes, the only thing I could think of. I fell into many broken micro sleeps. Each time I dreamt of Doris and what my dad had said about standing up to her. When I woke up for good it was time to get off the plane.

I really don’t remember much after that until we got to Emily’s house. I felt like crying. I just wanted to go home and I needed John or my sister.

I was having a panic attack. Just like the old days.

Luckily it was over when I woke up in the morning. I analyzed it to death…why, why now? WTF??? How much more medication do I need? I know I ask that often.

It really shook me to my core though. I haven’t had a panic attack since I was in my teens. And you know what a panic attack feeds on right? Fear of another panic attack!

After a lot of thought I realized it was the “confrontation” with the person behind me with knees pushing my seat back up.

I believe I have PTSD when it comes to confronting people because I am so afraid they will yell at me. I live my life constantly trying not to upset anyone. It’s exhausting and frankly it’s not fair to me. Of course, the panic attack just reinforced my reasoning.

I feel like a sitting duck most of the time.

Can Housework Fix a Broken Marriage?

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I talked to my psychiatrist today. He asked how my relationship with John was going. I started to tell him and then it dawned on me that I haven’t really thought about it lately. Has it happened again? Has he lulled me into a false state of security? I started to panic and blame myself for being so stupid again, but then I said to myself, “It’s okay. “

I’m still not wearing my wedding ring. I still have the divorce papers filed. I still haven’t planned our vacation in July. I may have started to enjoy the new John because he is being very nice, loving and patient, but I cannot forget that it won’t last. It has only been 6 weeks since he said he will go for therapy. He has gone twice.

I am very suspicious that he isn’t telling his therapist the whole story. After his first visit I was asked to write two things that I would like John to do. I wrote a paragraph about how he treats me and the family. The first thing I wanted him to do is to treat us better.

John came home with a chore list from the therapist. Not a chore list of things he should work on, but a list to organize his family to do chores, literally chores. Cleaning the bathroom, kitchen etc. She must have been told by John that this was the whole reason for our problems.

False Idol

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I don’t know what to say about the last month. I realized that it has only been a little over 30 days since I filed the divorce papers and John decided to go to therapy.

I must say I was a bit disappointed because I was excited to get on with a new life. One without fear and dread every time I saw my husband.

Nowadays it is just plain weird. He is being nice to me. I am at the point that I feel the need to test his good mood. He hasn’t had a flair up and it’s so unusual that it’s unnerving me. I’ve heard about battered women and that as the tension builds that they just wish he would hit her and get it over with. I suppose as an emotionally abused woman maybe it is the same for me. I’m not sure.

I actually tested him. This really is not like me to rock the boat. Prepare yourself for the ridiculous…….

We’ve had the same dish brush for the last 20+ years. John refuses to throw it out. Yes, that is what you read, a dish brush. There was a fight about it a couple of years ago because I tried to throw it away. I must’ve been in a state of true mania, but there you have it, I tossed it. He went on his usual rant and dug it out of the trash. He didn’t just dig through it, he flung trash all over the floor, yelling and going on like finding this thing was a life or death emergency.

Sunday I was doing the dishes and decided to test the waters. I put the revered dish brush in the trash. Lay it right on top. Kept the cupboard open with the trash can sticking out. It was practically begging to be seen. I wanted to see his reaction.

I know he hasn’t been to the therapist for long enough to see a difference in his soul, but is the way he’s been behaving an act or is he really trying to change? Yes, my opinion of him and our marriage rested solely on an old dish brush.

He didn’t see it. I forgot about it until that night and had to unearth it from the bottom of the trash. I will try again, maybe not today or tomorrow.  Maybe not with the dish brush, but I will try again.

You may be saying to yourself, “This just isn’t normal”.

And you would be right.

Have I done this?

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I Miss Nonsense

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Gosh, I just realized how much my blog has taken a turn for the dark and depressing.

Remember the nonsense posts of Breaking Records, Dancing Queen, The Creamer and Wine Diet and Pretty Boy Crushes to name a few?

They were the posts of the good old days when I was only battling my bi-polar condition and medication. I wasn’t level enough to have handled my mom’s dying at that time. I certainly couldn’t have faced up to my abusive marriage and actually planning to leave instead of just fantasizing about it.

There must have been such a pile up of things that could only happened while I am well enough to deal with them.  It must be God’s way of giving me only what I can handle.

Not to worry, I’ll get my old posts back as soon as my life stops “playing catch up”.