It’s 11pm here. Husband still isn’t home. Last week he did the same thing by saying he was running an errand and then after numerous unanswered phone calls to him he arrived 6 hours later drunk.
Oh I told him what I thought of his behavior. This is something I would have never dared to do and he would have never tolerated in the old days (pre-divorce threat). He apologized and explained how it would not happen again. I didn’t believe him. It was the first chink I noticed in his new armour.
Now here I am sitting in bed writing this. Scared and confused actually.
Is the “love bombing” over that fast? I only know about narcissists from what I have read recently. So, although I had been sucked in before, I didn’t know it was happening. I’ve been “love bombed” before as well, but it was just great to get some crumbs that I was starved for.
This seems to be a classic example of a narcissist not being able to keep it up for long.
Now it’s 11:30.
P.S. U2 is touring. I don’t care (much). That’s the kind of state I’m in right now. That really pisses me off!
I talked to my psychiatrist today. He asked how my relationship with John was going. I started to tell him and then it dawned on me that I haven’t really thought about it lately. Has it happened again? Has he lulled me into a false state of security? I started to panic and blame myself for being so stupid again, but then I said to myself, “It’s okay. “
I’m still not wearing my wedding ring. I still have the divorce papers filed. I still haven’t planned our vacation in July. I may have started to enjoy the new John because he is being very nice, loving and patient, but I cannot forget that it won’t last. It has only been 6 weeks since he said he will go for therapy. He has gone twice.
I am very suspicious that he isn’t telling his therapist the whole story. After his first visit I was asked to write two things that I would like John to do. I wrote a paragraph about how he treats me and the family. The first thing I wanted him to do is to treat us better.
John came home with a chore list from the therapist. Not a chore list of things he should work on, but a list to organize his family to do chores, literally chores. Cleaning the bathroom, kitchen etc. She must have been told by John that this was the whole reason for our problems.
I don’t know what to say about the last month. I realized that it has only been a little over 30 days since I filed the divorce papers and John decided to go to therapy.
I must say I was a bit disappointed because I was excited to get on with a new life. One without fear and dread every time I saw my husband.
Nowadays it is just plain weird. He is being nice to me. I am at the point that I feel the need to test his good mood. He hasn’t had a flair up and it’s so unusual that it’s unnerving me. I’ve heard about battered women and that as the tension builds that they just wish he would hit her and get it over with. I suppose as an emotionally abused woman maybe it is the same for me. I’m not sure.
I actually tested him. This really is not like me to rock the boat. Prepare yourself for the ridiculous…….
We’ve had the same dish brush for the last 20+ years. John refuses to throw it out. Yes, that is what you read, a dish brush. There was a fight about it a couple of years ago because I tried to throw it away. I must’ve been in a state of true mania, but there you have it, I tossed it. He went on his usual rant and dug it out of the trash. He didn’t just dig through it, he flung trash all over the floor, yelling and going on like finding this thing was a life or death emergency.
Sunday I was doing the dishes and decided to test the waters. I put the revered dish brush in the trash. Lay it right on top. Kept the cupboard open with the trash can sticking out. It was practically begging to be seen. I wanted to see his reaction.
I know he hasn’t been to the therapist for long enough to see a difference in his soul, but is the way he’s been behaving an act or is he really trying to change? Yes, my opinion of him and our marriage rested solely on an old dish brush.
He didn’t see it. I forgot about it until that night and had to unearth it from the bottom of the trash. I will try again, maybe not today or tomorrow. Maybe not with the dish brush, but I will try again.
You may be saying to yourself, “This just isn’t normal”.
And you would be right.
Gosh, I just realized how much my blog has taken a turn for the dark and depressing.
Remember the nonsense posts of Breaking Records, Dancing Queen, The Creamer and Wine Diet and Pretty Boy Crushes to name a few?
They were the posts of the good old days when I was only battling my bi-polar condition and medication. I wasn’t level enough to have handled my mom’s dying at that time. I certainly couldn’t have faced up to my abusive marriage and actually planning to leave instead of just fantasizing about it.
There must have been such a pile up of things that could only happened while I am well enough to deal with them. It must be God’s way of giving me only what I can handle.
Not to worry, I’ll get my old posts back as soon as my life stops “playing catch up”.
What I realized this morning is that the rage I’d been waiting for wasn’t coming for me at all. John had to have some release, but he has too much too lose to rage against me at the moment because of the big D hanging above his head.
I knew it was coming. It didn’t dawn on me it could be for Tristan. I can handle it, was even looking forward to it in a strange twisted way so I could finally move on. That’s what I figured I needed for the final “sayonara sucker”.
I was woken up at 11:30 last night to John showing me the texts he had been sending to Tristan that were going unanswered. I knew Tristan was at work until a 2 am doing inventory. I knew he had taken the old Subaru because he couldn’t find the keys to his car. John did not know any of this, until he showed me the ranting texts and I told him. Ten in a row about not believing he was at work, the car being stolen, going to call the police if he didn’t answer the texts. Oh, God, it went on and on. Nothing new.
He hasn’t been for the therapy yet. It’s been a week. I’ve got to come up with a time frame for this to happen before I give him the divorce papers.
He’s going to be home in a few hours. How do I act? I feel a bit sick.
I was already to leave. I had my mind made up, part of me felt really good and then the unexpected happened. I started talking to John about what I thought would be the 4th and final “I want a divorce” talk. You know what he sprung on me? Therapy. He said he would go to therapy to keep me! Not couples therapy, but therapy for him!
Unfortunately, according to what I’ve read, this is right on cue for a narcissist. He’s been “love bombing” me all weekend. This is what they do when they are faced with abandonment.
I don’t think it will last. He can usually only keep the nice guy routine up for a few weeks, if that. The difference is this year I am not going to get sucked back in, I’m not falling for it again. If the therapy doesn’t work I’ve got all my ducks in a row .
I am keeping the papers filed and am continuing with the divorce process. I guess I’m playing both sides of the fence. I want to see if the therapy works.
So many emotions today. Disappointment. Apprehension. Suspicion. Strangely no relief or happiness with this new turn of events.
I don’t know how I’ve been lately. It’s kind of a state of being in the past, present and future all day long.
The past is full of bad memories of being bullied into a Vegas wedding, moving to North Dakota and getting a second job to name but a few.
The present is full of resentment for the past, cringing when I see his car in the driveway and dreading when he gets home.
The future is full of fear, dread and a happiness I’m afraid I shouldn’t be feeling.
Today it’s fear. I signed the papers. 26 year marriage over in 15 minutes.
I walked out to the car afterwards. At the door I almost started to cry and then I said out loud,
“Buck up! This is what you’ve always wanted”.