Abused Patience Turns to Fury

So much anger.

I was feeling pretty strong against the ex-husband and his girlfriend yesterday morning.

He is trying to pass her off as his roommate.  No one knows what I know about how they were sleeping together a full 6 months before I asked for the divorce.  Even the children seem to have been fooled.  I can’t say anything to anyone because when it is all said and done I’m taking the high road as usual (not willingly believe me).  I Looking back at how outrageously (even for him) his behavior was during that time I believe I was manipulated (AGAIN) into asking for the divorce.

So I checked Facebook to see if I was truly able to handle it.

He was on her page with a selfie of themselves.  Under the comments was a comment from my mother in law saying “Just a couple of kids!”

I was so angry, hurt and other things I can’t even name that I went into a horrible spiral of depression and anxiety.  It was a pretty dark day.

I got up this morning and felt much better.  I tested the memory of yesterday to see if they still held their sting and they did.  Good news for me is not as painful. Then it dawned on me that checking Facebook was in essence breaking the No Contact rule!  That is the real key to recovery and now I have to start all over again! I had 4 whole weeks under my belt.

I’ve been doing EMDR for a whole host of things in the last few months.  When this woman moved into my old house with him I had to see my therapist twice a week for two weeks.  I have sooooo much more work to do.

I hate him.  I hate them.  I haven’t really been able to enjoy any of my freedom from him because he’s still getting to me but on a higher and different level.  When will this get better?  When can I finally feel better?

Its just like you when you try every trick in the book to lose weight and it always comes back to diet and exercise. Time heals all wounds.

Blocking all of them and taking the Facebook app of my phone is a good measure as well.

Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury.

Francis Quarles

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Love to Hatred Turned

I’m running on pure emotion tonight.

I’ve never given much thought to the stereotypical “woman scorned”.  I feel it now.

Granted I’ve always been emotional, but I haven’t reached this level since my teens.  You know, teenage broken heart, writing poetry etc.

When I told my dad and my sister that John ,was cheating on me,  I asked that neither of them say they weren’t surprised. They didn’t, but Ellen did say “your marriage was always bad anyway”.  That is the same as she “wasn’t surprised”, therefore I shouldn’t be as upset as I am.

When you are betrayed by your brain all your life, everything surprises you.  I hung on to him all these 27 years because I thought I loved him.  I did love him.  I do love him.  It doesn’t matter how wrong it is, I do.

God I hate him.

I do believe myself when I say I won’t go back to him.

To be able to give him the adoration his narcissistic ego needs to survive, this woman is either as needy as he is or as broken as I was.