Have I done this?
I Miss Nonsense
Gosh, I just realized how much my blog has taken a turn for the dark and depressing.
Remember the nonsense posts of Breaking Records, Dancing Queen, The Creamer and Wine Diet and Pretty Boy Crushes to name a few?
They were the posts of the good old days when I was only battling my bi-polar condition and medication. I wasn’t level enough to have handled my mom’s dying at that time. I certainly couldn’t have faced up to my abusive marriage and actually planning to leave instead of just fantasizing about it.
There must have been such a pile up of things that could only happened while I am well enough to deal with them. It must be God’s way of giving me only what I can handle.
Not to worry, I’ll get my old posts back as soon as my life stops “playing catch up”.
Misguided Rage
What I realized this morning is that the rage I’d been waiting for wasn’t coming for me at all. John had to have some release, but he has too much too lose to rage against me at the moment because of the big D hanging above his head.
I knew it was coming. It didn’t dawn on me it could be for Tristan. I can handle it, was even looking forward to it in a strange twisted way so I could finally move on. That’s what I figured I needed for the final “sayonara sucker”.
I was woken up at 11:30 last night to John showing me the texts he had been sending to Tristan that were going unanswered. I knew Tristan was at work until a 2 am doing inventory. I knew he had taken the old Subaru because he couldn’t find the keys to his car. John did not know any of this, until he showed me the ranting texts and I told him. Ten in a row about not believing he was at work, the car being stolen, going to call the police if he didn’t answer the texts. Oh, God, it went on and on. Nothing new.
He hasn’t been for the therapy yet. It’s been a week. I’ve got to come up with a time frame for this to happen before I give him the divorce papers.
He’s going to be home in a few hours. How do I act? I feel a bit sick.
The Last Thing I Would Have Expected….
I was already to leave. I had my mind made up, part of me felt really good and then the unexpected happened. I started talking to John about what I thought would be the 4th and final “I want a divorce” talk. You know what he sprung on me? Therapy. He said he would go to therapy to keep me! Not couples therapy, but therapy for him!
Unfortunately, according to what I’ve read, this is right on cue for a narcissist. He’s been “love bombing” me all weekend. This is what they do when they are faced with abandonment.
I don’t think it will last. He can usually only keep the nice guy routine up for a few weeks, if that. The difference is this year I am not going to get sucked back in, I’m not falling for it again. If the therapy doesn’t work I’ve got all my ducks in a row .
I am keeping the papers filed and am continuing with the divorce process. I guess I’m playing both sides of the fence. I want to see if the therapy works.
So many emotions today. Disappointment. Apprehension. Suspicion. Strangely no relief or happiness with this new turn of events.
My Divorce, Step 3
I don’t know how I’ve been lately. It’s kind of a state of being in the past, present and future all day long.
The past is full of bad memories of being bullied into a Vegas wedding, moving to North Dakota and getting a second job to name but a few.
The present is full of resentment for the past, cringing when I see his car in the driveway and dreading when he gets home.
The future is full of fear, dread and a happiness I’m afraid I shouldn’t be feeling.
Today it’s fear. I signed the papers. 26 year marriage over in 15 minutes.
I walked out to the car afterwards. At the door I almost started to cry and then I said out loud,
“Buck up! This is what you’ve always wanted”.
My Divorce, Step 2
So I asked him for a divorce, well, sort of. We went out to lunch and I brought up our relationship problems. I said I think it is time to get a divorce. And it just kind of got lost in the conversation. I didn’t want to push it. I was completely drained of courage just bringing up the subject.
I didn’t blame or tell him the real reason I want a divorce. That would just start an avalanche of accusations and blame on me. It never works to confront a narcissist with their bad behavior. They just end up turning it around on you, no matter how bizarre or untrue it is.
We talked about being unhappy, not having anything in common, etc. and after lunch we went to Cosco.
Is that the way all divorce conversations go?
Ice Tsunami
I haven’t asked for the divorce yet. I am waiting for the right time, but I have the same steely resolve.
I can’t stop thinking of the last two decades of bullying and tears. The old memories keep flooding in. It’s like the phenomenon know as an “ice shove”, when ice from a lake or ocean surges forward onto land. The ice is my memories an
d they have been shoved to my door step where they can no longer be ignored or tolerated.
It seems like there are thousands of stories and they keep popping up in my mind all day long. It has to be done. I have to be free, once and for all.
First Step
I went to see a lawyer today. The trick is to have as much in order by the time I tell him I want a divorce. Otherwise, he will convince me I’m not capable of leaving him. He will begin to belittle me, make me doubt myself.
I did begin to waffle last night. I was getting very confused until I went to my journal. I began keeping it last year. Smart. I read it. Then I brought to the front of my brain my children and how much the older two have suffered from this man. The youngest is still trauma free, but not for long. She is of age to start getting his wrath.
If you’ve ever been under the thumb of a narcissist you understand how they can worm their way back by scattering crumbs that you gobble up to relieve your emotional starvation. It never took much for me. I had a narcissist mother. I went from one narc to another. I guess I thought that was a normal relationship dynamic.
I still hear of couples getting married or saying how much they love each other and it mystifies me. I know pure love for my children, dad and sister. I don’t know what true romantic love feels like.
I’m really scared. Oh, God, please help me get through this….
Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist
I have a secret. My husband, John, is a Narcissist. I have been living with him for 26 years, slowly being sucked dry of any sense of self. I haven’t had the courage to leave him until now. I am posting this tonight because maybe by going public I will not back down again and truly go through with leaving him this time. I’m filled with fear and dread. This post I’m reblogging is a summary of my marriage.
1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF
Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?
Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.
This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissist’s personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didn’t do or say. This borrowed humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist. Their own unfelt core of shame.
2. CONFUSION
Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand the CONFUSION that is part and…
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So Long 2003 Subaru Outback
I just got a new car. The old one got me through so many weather jams I am grateful for the 11 years it gave me. That old green 2003 Outback will be missed. No car payments will be missed.
You know what will not be missed?
Headlights going out when the emergency brake light goes on while driving down the interstate.
Not having any dash lights and having to see the speedometer while going under a street light or following (a safe distance) behind someone else.
Front end grinding and knocking.
Juice stained carpets.
Juice stained ceilings.
Juice stained seats.
Knocked out front fog light from when Emily scraped a parked car.
Hole in back bumper when I drove over a generator.
A “My Child is an Honor Student” in middle school bumper sticker (oh, yes I was one of those parents). Since Tristan was 14, I’ve been trying to get it off. Goo Be Gone and then finally a chisel. Tristan is now 18 and still no dice.
The poor old green thing has been replaced by a dark grey 2015 Outback. Unfortunately, the new car smell has been replaced by Chick-Fil-A, Starbucks and poodle.
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