First Step

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I went to see a lawyer today.  The trick is to have as much in order by the time I tell him I want a divorce.  Otherwise, he will convince me I’m not capable of leaving him.  He will begin to belittle me, make me doubt myself.

I did begin to waffle last night.  I was getting very confused until I went to my journal.  I began keeping it last year.  Smart.  I read it. Then I brought to the front of my brain my children and how much the older two have suffered from this man.  The youngest is still trauma free, but not for long.  She is of age to start getting his wrath.

If you’ve ever been under the thumb of a narcissist you understand how they can worm their way back by scattering crumbs that you gobble up to relieve your emotional starvation. It never took much for me.  I had a narcissist mother.  I went from one narc to another. I guess I thought that was a normal relationship dynamic.

I still hear of couples getting married or saying how much they love each other and it mystifies me.  I know pure love for my children, dad and sister.  I don’t know what true romantic love feels like.

I’m really scared.  Oh, God, please help me get through this….

Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist

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I have a secret. My husband, John, is a Narcissist. I have been living with him for 26 years, slowly being sucked dry of any sense of self. I haven’t had the courage to leave him until now. I am posting this tonight because maybe by going public I will not back down again and truly go through with leaving him this time. I’m filled with fear and dread. This post I’m reblogging is a summary of my marriage.

ANA - After Narcissistic Abuse's avatarAfter Narcissistic Abuse


Self-Doubt

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF

Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.

This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissist’s personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didn’t do or say. This borrowed humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist. Their own unfelt core of shame.

2. CONFUSION

confusion

Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand the CONFUSION that is part and…

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So Long 2003 Subaru Outback

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subaru-outback-l.l.bean-08I just got a new car. The old one got me through so many weather jams I am grateful for the 11 years it gave me.  That old green 2003 Outback will be missed. No car payments will be missed.

You know what will not be missed?

Headlights going out when the emergency brake light goes on while driving down the interstate.

Not having any dash lights and having to see the speedometer while going under a street light or following (a safe distance) behind someone else.

Front end grinding and knocking.

Juice stained carpets.

Juice stained ceilings.

Juice stained seats.

Knocked out front fog light from when Emily scraped a parked car.

Hole in back bumper when I drove over a generator.

A “My Child is an Honor Student” in middle school bumper sticker (oh, yes I was one of those parents). Since Tristan was 14, I’ve been trying to get it off.  Goo Be Gone and then finally a chisel. Tristan is now 18 and still no dice.

The poor old green thing has been replaced by a dark grey 2015 Outback. Unfortunately, the new car smell has been replaced by Chick-Fil-A, Starbucks and poodle.

Standing Desk Update

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standing-desk-fetal-position-inside-funny-ecard-MYm

A Serious Discussion

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Emily and I had a discussion the other day about revealing my Bipolar Disorder II to people. “People” means the people I know. I worry that if they know I have this mood disorder they will view me differently.

My daughter, I believe because of heredity, has a little OCD and General Anxiety. She tells people in her life about it. She thinks it is important to educate about mental illness and she feels that it will make a difference as far as how some people view it.

I have a different tano-more-stigma-10ke on it though. I am afraid to tell even my closest friends about my illness. I am afraid they will misunderstand and think I will strip down naked and run down the street with a knife.  Actually, I hate to admit it, but before I was diagnosed with this disorder, I thought the same thing.

Just like everyone is told by top news stories, the perpetrator of mass murders, etc. are often reported as having a bipolar illness.  The general public sees that and assumes the worst.  Who can blame them?  There are so many variables that are not reported.  Predisposition to violence, access to weapons, psychotic breaks, not medicated, etc.

Writing this blog is the farthest I can go right now.  I feel very protective of my situation. Maybe one day.

Cooking Day Fiasco

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Today I began cooking a month’s worth of dinners. I’ve done a couple of weeks worth before, but never this big of an undertaking. I started last night.

Since I had a boat load of veggies to chop I bought a new razor sharp knife.  I was almost finished chopping buckets of onions when I started talking to Tristan.  Yep, you guessed it, I cut myself.

I spent 30 minutes sittinIMG_2033-1g in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

I decided to pack it in for the night and slipped the knife into the soapy water in the sink.  I then forgot said knife was lurking beneath the dirty water.  I put my hand in to find the cutlery on the bottom and cut my other hand!

I spent another 30 minutes sitting in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

Today, with the addition of band-aids on two fingers, I started cooking ingredients I had so diligently prepped the day before.  I looked down at one point and one of the band-aids was missing!!!  I had only made three dishes so I dug through them all.  I couldn’t find it!  I looked on the floor, in the trash and the sink of soapy water (minus the knife this time) to no avail.  I debated what to do…could I get away with it? No, I had to throw the three dishes away.

Finished the cooking and took Allison to an orthodontic appointment.  I had been sitting in the waiting room for ten minutes or so when the reception said to someone, “Do you smell onions?”

Ha!

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alex-gregory-could-we-up-the-dosage-i-still-have-feelings-new-yorker-cartoon

Quitting the Habit

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After drinking wine disguised in a mug last weekend I decided I should do something about my habit.  I stopped drinking on Monday.

Yesterday after an argument with John, I decided a nice glass of wine would be just right, and since I hadn’t drank in two days I could do it.  I went to the store on the way home and bought a box of wine. If I needed a glass it would be there. Turns out I didn’t need it!  Yippee!

The deeper question has yet to be asked, “Is it a habit or a dependency?”

I think it may be too soon to tell.  I’ve been drinking wine every night for the past five years.  It coincided with the beginning of my medication for Bipolar II.  I used it as a way to make me feel something because the medication seemed to squash my feelings.  Now I feel great with my cocktail (no pun intended) and enough time has gone by that I have adjusted to the new me.

Of course, the ultimate goal is always to lose weight 🙂 and that side effect will be welcomed with open arms.

Drinking in the Afternoon

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You know what I did today? I drank wine out of a mug so my son wouldn’t question me.  It was 12:30 in the afternoon.  I was feeling so depressed that I thought it might help. It was that second mug that finally put a dent in it.

I realize that the trauma of my mother dying is making me depressed. Very understandable. This may be the most normal reaction I’ve ever had to anything.

I have to get my act together. I think it’s the three weeks on overdrive trying to make her feel comfortable, help my family and come to grips with her dying. Now with nothing left to do I feel like I’ve fallen off the edge of a cliff. That’s when the  depression set in.

It’s “normal”, but when have I ever been normal?

Wallowing

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No more wallowing for me.

I’ve got a mountain of laundry to do. The kitchen is a health hazard and my appearance has a lot to be desired. I think I’ve worn the same three outfits for the last two weeks. I cancelled my hair appointment and my legs are hairy. Allison needs her mother back and Tristan should be able to ask me how I’m doing without me turning into a crying mess. The dog hasn’t been walked, I haven’t gone to work in two weeks and my Christmas tree is still up.

I am still in shock, but isn’t it time to physically rise up and start participating in my life again?

Hmm, no, not yet, not today.