Tag: bipolar II

Ice Tsunami

Published on by cmglife

I haven’t asked for the divorce yet.  I am waiting for the right time, but I have the same steely resolve.

I can’t stop thinking of the last two decades of bullying and tears. The old memories keep flooding in.  It’s like the phenomenon know as an “ice shove”, when ice from a lake or ocean surges forward onto land.  The ice is my memories anmaxresdefaultd they have been shoved to my door step where they can no longer be ignored or tolerated.

It seems like there are thousands of stories and they keep popping up in my mind all day long.  It has to be done. I have to be free, once and for all.

Ha!

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alex-gregory-could-we-up-the-dosage-i-still-have-feelings-new-yorker-cartoon

Quitting the Habit

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After drinking wine disguised in a mug last weekend I decided I should do something about my habit.  I stopped drinking on Monday.

Yesterday after an argument with John, I decided a nice glass of wine would be just right, and since I hadn’t drank in two days I could do it.  I went to the store on the way home and bought a box of wine. If I needed a glass it would be there. Turns out I didn’t need it!  Yippee!

The deeper question has yet to be asked, “Is it a habit or a dependency?”

I think it may be too soon to tell.  I’ve been drinking wine every night for the past five years.  It coincided with the beginning of my medication for Bipolar II.  I used it as a way to make me feel something because the medication seemed to squash my feelings.  Now I feel great with my cocktail (no pun intended) and enough time has gone by that I have adjusted to the new me.

Of course, the ultimate goal is always to lose weight 🙂 and that side effect will be welcomed with open arms.

Drinking in the Afternoon

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You know what I did today? I drank wine out of a mug so my son wouldn’t question me.  It was 12:30 in the afternoon.  I was feeling so depressed that I thought it might help. It was that second mug that finally put a dent in it.

I realize that the trauma of my mother dying is making me depressed. Very understandable. This may be the most normal reaction I’ve ever had to anything.

I have to get my act together. I think it’s the three weeks on overdrive trying to make her feel comfortable, help my family and come to grips with her dying. Now with nothing left to do I feel like I’ve fallen off the edge of a cliff. That’s when the  depression set in.

It’s “normal”, but when have I ever been normal?

Do Not Mix With Alcohol

Published on by cmglife

Who ever really pays attention to that warning anyway? I never did, until today.

With the amazing amount of prescription medication I am on to handle my Bipolar II condition and the fact I have sleep apnea, many phobias and anxiety it’s surprising I can function at the high level I do.

Here we are today, falling asleep while driving long distances. Oh, yes it is bad. I have what I like to call “micro sleeps” on a three lane highway in traffic. My doctor says to pull over, but it won’t make any difference. After all I do have to get home eventually.   It is pretty scary. I spend a trip slapping my face, shaking my head, windows open, tapping my leg, singing or talking to myself. Nothing works. So I decided it must be part of my sleeping disorder, sleep apnea.

I thought I had fixed it with a cpap machine, but I couldn’t “tolerate” it. That is the medical terminology. They couldn’t find a mask small enough to seal to my face. The mask would “blow out” during the night and wake me up. Constantly, all night long. The next thing was a mouth guard. This was no piece of plastic found on the internet for snoring, mine is truly bionic. It fits really well and should for the price of a small car.

I went back to a sleep specialist to see if there is anything I can do with this new phenomenon of falling asleep while driving (if truth be told I can fall asleep almost anywhere at any time). He suggested a sleep study, but in the meantime he would give me a prescription for a medicine to take before driving long distances. The first time I took it in the morning and I was up until 1am. I broke it in half the next time and it worked wonderfully. Now today I took it in the morning and made it to my sister’s, about an hour away. I’ve used about 6 tablets in the last three months so I figured I knew how it worked. What I didn’t calculate into the equation was a visit to my ailing mother (a story for later) and when I got to my sister’s I needed a glass of wine. I had one at about 2:30 and ended up not being able to drive home until around 6:30!

My sister said I was just freaking myself out, but the alcohol hit me hard! After two glasses of water and two cups of coffee I managed to get my wits about me and drive home. It turned out I was just fine, Ellen was right; I had been freaking myself out.

I wondered how I would begin to explain my situation if I got pulled over. I was not drunk or under the influence of any kind. Is being paranoid a ticketable offense?

Sin City – Day 3 (Last Entry)

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Sin City – Day 3

After lunch on the third day in Vegas, we went down to Fremont Street where I convinced John to try the oxygen “rip off” bar. Then he stood on the huge scale in front of a hamburger restaurant. He weighed in at 216. He looked so dejected that I ran up and took the packages from his hands and he ended up at 206.

On the second day of the dirt track races, I decided not to go and nobody was surprised.  I had the whole night planned.  First I would get a drink and play the slot machines by myself.  Big move for me doing anything by myself, but for some reason I felt confident. Then I would go back up to the room, take a bath, have some wine and do some writing.  I was really looking forward to some alone downtime.

Around six o’clock, everyone left for the races and I began my plan. Before he left, John had bought a margarita for me.  He warned it was strong because he had seen the bartender put two shots of tequila in it.  I drink too fast and eat too fast. So after guzzling the one John got for me, I had another free one the waitress gave me.  Big mistake…. I ended up drunk!  I did make it back up to the hotel room by myself. It was a bit creepy walking down the long lonely “Stanley Hotel” hallway. I made it without being kidnapped or murdered.

When I got into the room I lay down on the bed and passed out!  It was 7pm.

Minding My Own Business

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I was out walking my dog. I have a miniature poodle that lifts his leg on everything during the walk. He’s empty before we make it past our bushes, but yet he continues to try to mark anything and everything if I slow down even in the slightest.

This particular day he lifted his leg on the wrong bush. A disturbingly angry man started yelling at me. It was too loud, too angry and it sent a cold trickle of fear through my center. I turned around to look and an old man was standing inside his house yelling though the living room window. He kept yelling things like; “What kind of person am I that I would let my dog pee on his bush?” and “I’m going to call the police”, etc. I tried to explain he wasn’t peeing, but the man was making so much noise he couldn’t hear me. Finally I turned around and began walking again, using the universal arm wave that says “Whatever”.

It looked like the whole situation was over. And it was to him and anyone else who was listening, but to me it wasn’t. My head was spinning. I cried all the way home. I felt like I had been transported back to my childhood.

I haven’t been able to get myself to go out for a walk since. I try all the self-talk, all the logic, etc. I’ve listened to all the advice.  And I still can’t do it. I will. I know I will, it just might take a little longer this time.  At my age now I’ve realized that sometimes it’s okay to be kind and gentle with myself.

Sin City – Day 2

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We were all ready to go by 4:30 for the cab ride out to the speedway. I kept checking my phone for weather updates. My forecast read 46 for night time. 75% of the people on our team were from North Dakota and the rest (John and I) had just come from -1. A night time temperature of 46 degrees! I almost wore my swimsuit under the fleece coat, hat, boots, mittens and scarf.

At the speedway, the cars started roaring around the track like something out of Mad Max; armored body and huge tires in the front.  The cars left a big billow cloud of dust behind them. It got in my eyes, mouth and nose. I thought at first I was the only one who was bothered until I saw several people wearing ski goggles.

I did so much arbitrary drinking while I was in Vegas. It didn’t matter where or what time it was. I had Bailey’s in my coffee at the track, but then I think it made me nauseous watching the race cars go round and round.

In between races there was nothing to do except drink “coffee” and talk about engines. As much as I love that topic, Ashley kept me interested with tales from the Midwest in a small North Dakota town. Why do I never hear stories like these from my friends? These were really juicy. Pregnancies, infidelity, divorce, custody, drugs and you name it from Jerry Springer and it was happening to someone she knew.

At midnight it was finally over! John called a cab.  We were so close to going back to our hotel room! The taxi service said they would be out in 20 minutes so we began walking through hundreds of cars and campers parked in “the pit”.  As we arrived at the gate a taxi pulled up.  I grabbed for the door handle before the cab came to a stop. After a few comments on how quick the cab driver had gotten there it was obvious we had someone else’s cab. I didn’t say anything! I needed to get out of there…

“Sorry, sucker, I’m taking this cab!”

My sister said I had lost all human decency at that race.

Momentary Setback

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What a monumental task it is to get into the groove of your life after a setback. Everyone has different setbacks and I’m sure there are some people who have no setbacks or at least will never admit it to themselves.

My setbacks always seemed to have to do with mood swings which I used to put down to PMS. It is amazing all the things a woman with undiagnosed mental illness can blame on the ebb and flow of normal female hormones.

The recent setback I had was going off Abilify. My doctor thought he might be duplicating the effect of medication because he had just upped the dosages on two of the others I’m taking. We agreed to try it.  I was all gung ho because I wondered if it was the reason for my weight gain.  He didn’t have to ask me twice!

I was fine for the first week except for the withdrawal symptoms, excessive sweating and dizziness. I was asking everyone in the office; is it hot in here or is it me? They were all convinced I was having premenopausal hot flashes.

Luckily, I had asked my doctor the last time I had a bout of depression what were the signs to watch for. I can’t decipher the difference between what I’m feeling and what should be normal. He gave me a simple parameter to follow: If you feel like you don’t want to wake up the next morning it’s time to call me.

This time I was feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, but as usual I wanted to be macho and try to face it. Again, what is me and what is normal? I started taking the Abilify again last Saturday and I am already looking back in amazement. The person I am today, literally today…October 27 and the person I was last week are like night and day.

I am constantly grateful that I am living in this day and age, found the right doctor and have health insurance.   Life is good.

The Final Cocktail

Published on by cmglife

I think this final cocktail of medicine is really working for me. One side effect of being so level is I have nothing to write about anymore. At least not anything from my old point of view. I just wanted to let everyone know to hang in there if you are waiting for more frequent installments from me. As history probably will repeat it’s self I should be writing again next month.

I went to my doctor today and told him I was feeling really good, but as I said that I felt kind of embarrassed. I tell him the same thing every other visit. Last time it was crushing anxiety, then happy and before that terrible depression. He tweaks the drugs and councils as he has been doing for years. I do like him because he trusts me and, therefore, I trust him.

It didn’t used to be that way. For the first few years of being diagnosed with Bipolar II I was very rebellious. I knew I wasn’t happy with my old self but I felt so flat with my new self. After 44 years one does get used to the ups and downs no matter how they destroyed me. I rebelled by screwing around with my medicine and dosages to try to get a little “life” back into my life. I know I didn’t used to drink wine every night like I have been for the past 5 years. I know why I do it. It is to change my feelings. It is a little blast from the past of the old days. I wonder at what point do I start to worry about the wine? My sister says, “Oh for goodness sake, let yourself have one crutch”. She doesn’t worry about it so I won’t.

The next step will be enjoying the new strength I feel when I have to go up to the customer service and exchange something, get gas in the car, etc. I know it sounds crazy. Anxiety is brutal on normal day to day activities.