Back on Abilify

Oh the sweet feeling just listening to music. I was doing just this, sampling some music on ITunes that I had heard on the radio.

Then I have to go all “warden” on the dogs and ruin the moment. The two are on some sort of “high alert” and have both sat up and looked at the closed bedroom door.

“Hey, you two can just lie back down, “I say, “Henry! Lie down! Ellie! Lie down!” If I don’t exert a disciplinarian tone they will both start barking. I guess it doesn’t matter, the mood is ruined, but not really.

Oh, I didn’t mention having to go back on the Abilify?

Yes, after being withdrawn from the medication for 26 days I was falling apart. I know a lot of you have have suffered depression. This was not your normal run of the mill depression (I’ve had that too), this was serious “cannot get out of bed and go into work” depression.

I went to my doctor.  I was so afraid to suffer more or different side effects from the Abilify again, I asked if he could recommend something else. The alternative was Seroquel. He didn’t give it rave reviews as far I was concerned. I was too scared and confused to make a decision. What should I take, the new one with sedation qualities or back on the Abilify and just persevere through the akathisias and the weight gain?

I called my sister sobbing, barely able to get my words out and she said, “Go home right now and take the Abilify. You have to get on top of this again before you can make any decision”.

So that is what I did. I feel better emotionally. It must have been totally out of my system because I lost 3 lbs without doing anything and the akathisias became less. I’ve been on it again for about two weeks. I’ve gained 2 lbs back and I think the akathisias is coming back.

It’s always a trade off, I realize that. I’m definitely making a trade off with my physical well being for my mental well being. It’s not really a choice when I think about it.


Minding My Own Business

I was out walking my dog. I have a miniature poodle that lifts his leg on everything during the walk. He’s empty before we make it past our bushes, but yet he continues to try to mark anything and everything if I slow down even in the slightest.

This particular day he lifted his leg on the wrong bush. A disturbingly angry man started yelling at me. It was too loud, too angry and it sent a cold trickle of fear through my center. I turned around to look and an old man was standing inside his house yelling though the living room window. He kept yelling things like; “What kind of person am I that I would let my dog pee on his bush?” and “I’m going to call the police”, etc. I tried to explain he wasn’t peeing, but the man was making so much noise he couldn’t hear me. Finally I turned around and began walking again, using the universal arm wave that says “Whatever”.

It looked like the whole situation was over. And it was to him and anyone else who was listening, but to me it wasn’t. My head was spinning. I cried all the way home. I felt like I had been transported back to my childhood.

I haven’t been able to get myself to go out for a walk since. I try all the self-talk, all the logic, etc. I’ve listened to all the advice.  And I still can’t do it. I will. I know I will, it just might take a little longer this time.  At my age now I’ve realized that sometimes it’s okay to be kind and gentle with myself.

Beauty Week

This week has been all about me.

Monday I got my hair colored. Tuesday I had my nails manicured and eyebrows waxed.

Now all I need is a pedicure. The last time I did that the guy soaked my feet and then came out with a huge cheese grater for my callouses. How embarrassing! I think I’ll do my feet at home from now on.

I really like the salon I go to, well let me back up there. I really like how my nails turn out at the salon I go to. The salon has a lot to be desired. Most of the time when I’m sitting getting my nails filed a mangy shih tzu with a flat face and sleep encrusted eyes jumps up on my lap. Now don’t get me wrong I like dogs and all that, but this one really gives me the creeps. I don’t like the way it just walks around and jumps up on laps like she owns the place. I assume she is a she because of the mangled pink bow on the top of her tangled head of hair.

The mother of the owner of the salon tried to sell me a weight loss supplement last time. Her accent is so thick at least that is what I thought she was saying. She kept pointing at the packet and then at my stomach telling me I could get rid of it by drinking this stuff. Oh, yeah, that’s really something I’m going to do. I have a cocktail of psychiatric drugs flowing through my system, but I would try a concoction with a friendly face and lotus blossoms on the front just to lose a pound. I know you are thinking I considered it; well I did, but only for a minute! Honestly. And when she’s not pedaling weight loss magic she’s selling egg rolls.

Today was for my beautiful brain; I went to see my psychologist.

Dog Stories

I had two heart stopping moments yesterday, both with dogs.

My little dog, Henry, is a white miniature poodle. He is a lovely little dog with a ready to play attitude. Unfortunately for us he has psychotic breaks when it comes to the mailman, the UPS man or the FedEx truck. One time he ran out the door and tried to get into the UPS truck! If he wasn’t so short he would’ve done it too! We almost had a block on our house from the post office because he ran out the front door and chased the mailman! I had to go down to the post office and plead my case to the supervisor.

What happened today relates to his severe dislike of delivery people. I just came home from work to eat lunch. I was in the kitchen preparing it when I heard some sort of commotion in the back yard, all sorts of barking and a voice. My heart started pounding! I immediately thought someone (Tristan) had left the back gate open! The mailman had come early and Henry was chewing his leg to the bone!

I dropped my lunchl and ran out through the front door to the gate at top speed! The barking and yelling had stopped as soon as I got there and out trotted Henry with a milk bone sticking out of his mouth! The woman was a meter reader; she didn’t seem bothered at all! I, however, had to go in and have a Margarita with my Lean Cuisine!

My second heart attack of the day came later when I went back to work after lunch. I work in the front office of a school. Once a month or so the drug dogs come to the school to do a sweep of the lockers, etc.  They never find anything, thank goodness, but it is great preventative step.

The dog and her handler came into the office to have an invoice signed and give us the thumbs up. There is a tall counter that runs almost the length of the room and my desk sits behind it. The handler and the dog were at the counter. Out of the blue,  the massive beast came from around the counter and lunged at my desk. She was so fast I thought she was going over the desk and I instinctively raised my arms to shield my face. The other two people and the handler also had the same idea because everyone gasped! The handler quickly got the leash and the dog under control. She explained that the dog smelled the alcohol in my hand sanitizer. Now, I try to prepare for everything, but I did not see that coming!

In conclusion, I need another Margarita!