What a monumental task it is to get into the groove of your life after a setback. Everyone has different setbacks and I’m sure there are some people who have no setbacks or at least will never admit it to themselves.
My setbacks always seemed to have to do with mood swings which I used to put down to PMS. It is amazing all the things a woman with undiagnosed mental illness can blame on the ebb and flow of normal female hormones.
The recent setback I had was going off Abilify. My doctor thought he might be duplicating the effect of medication because he had just upped the dosages on two of the others I’m taking. We agreed to try it. I was all gung ho because I wondered if it was the reason for my weight gain. He didn’t have to ask me twice!
I was fine for the first week except for the withdrawal symptoms, excessive sweating and dizziness. I was asking everyone in the office; is it hot in here or is it me? They were all convinced I was having premenopausal hot flashes.
Luckily, I had asked my doctor the last time I had a bout of depression what were the signs to watch for. I can’t decipher the difference between what I’m feeling and what should be normal. He gave me a simple parameter to follow: If you feel like you don’t want to wake up the next morning it’s time to call me.
This time I was feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, but as usual I wanted to be macho and try to face it. Again, what is me and what is normal? I started taking the Abilify again last Saturday and I am already looking back in amazement. The person I am today, literally today…October 27 and the person I was last week are like night and day.
I am constantly grateful that I am living in this day and age, found the right doctor and have health insurance. Life is good.
A little confused tonight as to how to look at my life. It’s been four years since I set out on this journey. For the first time since then I feel really well. It’s almost what I imagined life to be. You know, being normal.
I am still a little sensitive to mood changes though. Every time I have a different feeling I wonder if it is normal or are my moods shifting again because of my “special” brain chemicals.
The depression is gone! The highs are gone! I feel regular all the time. What does that do for me? Not sure yet.
I’ve been going along at a pretty good pace. When summer break began I had a list on two sides of the paper. It has been reduced to one of those skinny magnetic grocery lists that hang on the fridge. Good for me, but what happens when I run out of things to do frantically?
I know what I’ve gained, but what I will lose? It can’t possibly remain the same. Will I begin to lose my energy? How about the ability to write anything worth reading? Sense of humor? God, no. Anything, but that.
This week has been all about me.
Monday I got my hair colored. Tuesday I had my nails manicured and eyebrows waxed.
Now all I need is a pedicure. The last time I did that the guy soaked my feet and then came out with a huge cheese grater for my callouses. How embarrassing! I think I’ll do my feet at home from now on.
I really like the salon I go to, well let me back up there. I really like how my nails turn out at the salon I go to. The salon has a lot to be desired. Most of the time when I’m sitting getting my nails filed a mangy shih tzu with a flat face and sleep encrusted eyes jumps up on my lap. Now don’t get me wrong I like dogs and all that, but this one really gives me the creeps. I don’t like the way it just walks around and jumps up on laps like she owns the place. I assume she is a she because of the mangled pink bow on the top of her tangled head of hair.
The mother of the owner of the salon tried to sell me a weight loss supplement last time. Her accent is so thick at least that is what I thought she was saying. She kept pointing at the packet and then at my stomach telling me I could get rid of it by drinking this stuff. Oh, yeah, that’s really something I’m going to do. I have a cocktail of psychiatric drugs flowing through my system, but I would try a concoction with a friendly face and lotus blossoms on the front just to lose a pound. I know you are thinking I considered it; well I did, but only for a minute! Honestly. And when she’s not pedaling weight loss magic she’s selling egg rolls.
Today was for my beautiful brain; I went to see my psychologist.