Category: humor

The Accidental Kindness of Strangers

Published on by cmglife

Yesterday I backed into a car while attempting to get into a parking space.

I got out of my car and we looked at the damage. I had dented and cracked his bike rack. No damage to mine. The man wasn’t very nice and actually said, “You’re not going to skip out on this are you?” He stated this in several different ways several times. The nerve!

Side Note: I did not have a terrible reaction the way I used to when I did something wrong. My eyes only filled with tears and lips quivered. Almost, but not quite, my face began to crumple into “oh god I’m going to cry” phase. Honestly I’m not ashamed of any of that. I think that would be a normal reaction to an unpleasant situation.

While standing there trying to keep my calm, I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was the director of the event I was working. He asked if I was alright. He had such a genuine look of concern, a few more tears leaked out. He asked if I needed to go home he would understand. I said I would be alright and he gave me a hug.

On my way into the event someone else approached me to ask how I was and she gave me a hug.

Half way through the event a volunteer checked in to see if I needed anything and I got another hug.

When the event was over the director came by again and I thanked him . I said I couldn’t believe how kind everyone was and how much it meant to me that I wasn’t standing there in the middle of the street alone.

This maybe a bit dramatic, but it was human nature, as it could be and was that in that moment.

This accident was no accident. The more I think about it, to experience kindness and worth as a human being, well, was worth the deductible.

Tiles for everthing!

Published on by cmglife

Is it paranoia to suspect I have gremlins following me around moving things I have just put down?  I wasn’t paranoid before, years ago, but I didn’t have that problem then.  I’ve put “Tiles” on my two sets of keys and my purse, my most lost items.  I think I’ve already saved a couple of searching hours in the last month.

I’ve lost my wedding ring, my work keys, $1400 in cash to name a few. It’s like I spend time thinking where I should put these valuable items and then immediately forget. It’s like when I change a password, if I don’t immediately put in in my phone, I forget it. Then I have to change it a second time.

I know it is a side effect of my Bipolar condition. Memory loss. It feels more like memory slipping through my fingers.

I make jokes at work when something is missing, “have you looked in my safe place”. Of course there is no such place. More like a black hole of important never to be seen again items.

I did track down where I had left my work keys. I threw them in the trash with a plastic drop cloth I was using for painting. So now I have to lurk around waiting for another coworker so I can follow them in, or have to ring the bell. How humiliating.

Then there was the $1400 cash.  I had my furnace fixed and confidently when upstairs to get cash to pay the invoice.  I went directly to an old purse hanging in my closet. The money wasn’t there because the purse was gone, I had given it to Goodwill the week before! I frantically called Goodwill and told them my story and could they look for it.  The manager was wonderful and said she would do what she could.

While I was waiting for her to call back with triumph in her voice, I began to think. Round and round in my head, searching for a clue in my overworked brain that would lead me to another tenuous memory. Waiting for that revelation when the clues finally lead me to the money. I rummaged through everything for hours. Even places I knew the money couldn’t possibly be.

Then it happened (angel’s chorus).  I looked at the picture on my wall and all the gears slid into place. I had hidden the money behind the picture frame!  It must’ve taken it out before I put the purse in the pile for goodwill.

I love it when I am that smart! I just wish it wasn’t wasted on my scatterbrainess (made up word). I called up Goodwill and thanked them profusely.

I don’t think it’s going to end or get any better, and I haven’t come up with a system to fix it yet. Well, that may not be true. I haven’t tried attaching Tiles to all my important items with glue dots.

Lucky Find

Published on by cmglife

What a find nestled between my many colored pens! This newly found pricey long lasting lip gloss has been given a new life!

I know a lot of women will recognize the “EPH” (SEPHORA) on the side. If you are a person, like me, that will only bring cash and leave my cards at home when going to Costco, don’t even enter SEPHORA .  You’ll involuntarily spend at least $65 by just crossing the threshold!

Sin City – Day 3 (Last Entry)

Published on by cmglife

Sin City – Day 3

After lunch on the third day in Vegas, we went down to Fremont Street where I convinced John to try the oxygen “rip off” bar. Then he stood on the huge scale in front of a hamburger restaurant. He weighed in at 216. He looked so dejected that I ran up and took the packages from his hands and he ended up at 206.

On the second day of the dirt track races, I decided not to go and nobody was surprised.  I had the whole night planned.  First I would get a drink and play the slot machines by myself.  Big move for me doing anything by myself, but for some reason I felt confident. Then I would go back up to the room, take a bath, have some wine and do some writing.  I was really looking forward to some alone downtime.

Around six o’clock, everyone left for the races and I began my plan. Before he left, John had bought a margarita for me.  He warned it was strong because he had seen the bartender put two shots of tequila in it.  I drink too fast and eat too fast. So after guzzling the one John got for me, I had another free one the waitress gave me.  Big mistake…. I ended up drunk!  I did make it back up to the hotel room by myself. It was a bit creepy walking down the long lonely “Stanley Hotel” hallway. I made it without being kidnapped or murdered.

When I got into the room I lay down on the bed and passed out!  It was 7pm.

Sin City

Published on by cmglife

Day 1

John was invited to Las Vegas by his daughter, Ashley, who lives in North Dakota. His son in law was in a huge race that weekend. John didn’t see it coming when I said was going too. I am known as a “stick in the mud” among his North Dakota family. Me? Going to Las Vegas and to watch dirt track racing (whatever the hell that was)! I just wanted to get away and do something different.

John began to interrogate me, I was getting a little irritated.

“Are you sure you want to go? It’s going to be really cold during the race.”

“Are you sure you want to go? It’s going to be really dusty during the race.”

“Are you sure you want to go? We’re going to be staying up really late.”

I’m not sure if he was trying to protect me from the cold, dust and lateness or thought I was going to cramp his style. I guess we’ll never know because I went.

This time John made all the travel arrangements. I didn’t know when we were leaving or even what airline we were flying. Turned out we were flying Spirit Airlines. I didn’t care that I had never heard of them until we got onto the plane and looked at the approximately 1 foot between the ripped and worn seats. I am not tall and even my knees barely fit. The passenger next to me sat down and we immediately became very intimate, rubbing knees and shoulders. This passenger turned out to be named Chad, an entrepreneur in ATM machines, custom motorcycles and the owner of his very own pot shop! Fascinating conversation ensued.

We made it to the hotel and got settled in and, of course, went down to the casino to drink and gamble all of our money away.  When I first got there I was stuck to John like glue (social anxiety). He plays black jack and so does Ashley. I don’t have enough confidence or concentration to play. I must have stood there for an hour watching them not being able to venture out among the other gamblers by myself. It’s a good thing I stand all day….an hour was nothing! I ended up making it to 12:30 until I went up to bed. I thought that was pretty good considering what a “stick in the mud” I am.

By the way-I’m going to drag out this Las Vegas story for all its worth,  Day 2 coming soon!

Old Navy Humiliation

Published on by cmglife

Oh, no! Not another weight issue post! Sorry, but it is so. Today, though, it is justified.

Today I was in Old Navy. I saw a dress that I thought could double as a tunic with leggings. I held it up lengthwise to check the length. It was good on the length but seemed a bit wide so I measured it against my hips and it was fine. I put it over my arm with the other items I had selected.

After fifteen minutes of looking around for Allison I went to the dressing rooms to see if she’d ended up there. I called her name at each door to no avail. The sales girls were very nice and said they would keep an eye out for her as well. I was almost to the point of doing an “ALL CALL” over the inter com. Seconds from having them lock the doors and call 911 she turned up with one of the sales girls. I was so relived, but played it cool. “Oh, there you are”, I said casually.

We walked toward the dressing room through the maternity section, didn’t know they had a maternity section actually. Obviously, because that was where I has selected my tunic. Oh, the humiliation!

Stupid* Bad Day

Published on by cmglife5 Comments

I’ve heard of these things happening, but until it happens to you it isn’t interesting. My stupid* GPS led me to a field in the middle of nowhere today! I could see a house out there so I thought I was going in the right direction through the brush. Then the “road” ended and I had to four wheel it in my husband’s Jetta to turn around.

Oh, yeah. I had the Jetta because while out last night the  Outback was making a stupid* knocking sound. For weeks the knocking that I had been noticing intermittently realized itself by stalling when trying to shift into first gear. I barely made it home.

I hate John’s Jetta. It has a stupid* gear system. At least once a trip I put it into 3rd instead of 1st and it stalls. I then have to realize it, because I usually have the music up too loud. After realizing it I have to turn the key off and on again (which takes more time than you want when you are coasting through an intersection with 15 cars behind you). Driving home from the field tonight was a little different though. I had a stupid* police car following me from the highway all the way until I almost got to my street. And what do you think happened while I was going through the left turn signal? You are correct! I stalled the stupid* thing!!! Luckily he didn’t seem to notice, but by that time I was in a panic and sweating profusely from my upper lip. It really wasn’t a pleasant day at all.

*We all know what I am really thinking.

Full Circle

Published on by cmglife

I was going to write about my juice fast I’ve been on for four days. I say, I was, until I realized how I must be boring everyone with diet after diet.

I thought I’d write about my son, 18, who just graduated and has overnight turned into a horrible version of himself. More of the same, dull.

How about my bipolar II condition? Then I thought, do I capitalize the “b” in bipolar and do I use roman numerals for the “II” or the numeral “2”.

Obviously, sidetracked I started to write about my love of Adam Lambert and U2 (do you know I met Bono) (yes, yes, I did!).  Adam’s next (dare to dream)!

I wrote about the silly predicaments I get myself into. For instance, I kept biting the inside of my lip every time I cheated and ate on the four day juice fast (Karma I think). It’s going to take at least four days to heal!

See, somehow I have written about all the same boring things, but I have come full circle. That makes me feel better, you know, finishing things.

Trauma Lite

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

Things that stick with me…I have to blame a lot on my delicate mental condition, not everything, but a few things. Does anyone else have situations that haunt them with humiliation years after they have happened? Every once in a while they pop up as a random memory. I dwell on them for a few minutes, realize I am doing it and cast those memories aside. I’m keeping this light, so I’m not going to reveal some of the more traumatic stories.

Here it is: “Traumatic Lite”.

  1. Got so nervous at an interview typing test that the manager questioned if I could even type at all. She was actually mad. Must’ve thought I was trying to pull one over on her. (60 wpm actually.)
  2. Burnt a hole with a cigarette in the seat of John’s new Toyota pickup. Spent all day trying to see if I could replace the upholstery until I finally had to give in and tell him. (I don’t smoke anymore.)
  3. Rear ending a car because my breaks hadn’t been fixed. I pumped as much as I could all while smoking a cigarette, drinking a diet coke and blasting U2 on the stereo. The only thing missing was texting. Thank god they didn’t have that when I was a teenager, I, or someone else, would’ve been dead by now.
  4. A huge fundraiser I had organized. I was supposed to leave my house at 4am. Overslept until 6am. So late I couldn’t take Emily to daycare and had to take her with me. She cried the entire time with the co-worker that had to take her while I ran the event. Then I got “talked to” by my boss.
  5. One boss said to me, “We miss you when you’re not here”. Interpretation: You are taking too many “mental health” days.
  6. Left my VW running in gear with the emergency brake on at my dad’s house. Strangely, it lunged forward and ran straight into my dad’s new siding.
  7. Forgetting my keys and trying to get in the basement window. I pushed on the glass and the whole window fell in. Try explaining that to your husband!

Oh, too many to name. I’m sure everyone’s list is longer than this. Things really haven’t changed. Things like “Wardrobe Malfunctions” and misunderstanding people happen on an almost daily basis.

Cling Wrap – Who Hates It?

Published on by cmglife

Let me give you a little back story. I had been to the warehouse store and purchased some chicken, pork chops and other assorted bulk meats.  The best way to handle this project is to open the packets and wrap the meat in individual portions and put it in the freezer.

To do that you must use cling wrap, really nothing else does the job. Today after multiple mishaps and abrasions I realized with a few verbal expletives that I hate cling wrap! Should I have the read the warning on the box?

CAUTION: SHARP CUTTING EDGE (no shit!) Sorry, I wasn’t able to keep the few verbal expletives out of this post. It is so dangerous they had to spell the caution out in three languages!

The box says “CLINGS TIGHT WITHOUT A FIGHT” (cute, but totally untrue).  I’m reading the box now which is so hard to do when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head with contempt.

Easy to Handle it says, Push Tabs to Hold in Place (with your third hand) it says and Tear wrap up and across.

It should say scrape your knuckles on the serrated edge to grasp the roll because it wasn’t held in place by the “tabs”.  Use your fading vision to find the edge of the wrap and pull over the aforementioned serrated edge. Tear wrap up and across serrating your thumb while trying to pull the wrap from the razor sharp edge.

Trying to get it to lie flat to put the meat on is another paragraph that I’m sure you don’t feel like reading. (How did this get so long anyway?)

Cling wrap should not be confused with Glad’s close to the second coming of Christ – Press’n Seal . Press’n Seal is a miracle in itself for using as a replacement for lost tupperware lids.