Category: humor

Stupid* Bad Day

Published on by cmglife5 Comments

I’ve heard of these things happening, but until it happens to you it isn’t interesting. My stupid* GPS led me to a field in the middle of nowhere today! I could see a house out there so I thought I was going in the right direction through the brush. Then the “road” ended and I had to four wheel it in my husband’s Jetta to turn around.

Oh, yeah. I had the Jetta because while out last night the  Outback was making a stupid* knocking sound. For weeks the knocking that I had been noticing intermittently realized itself by stalling when trying to shift into first gear. I barely made it home.

I hate John’s Jetta. It has a stupid* gear system. At least once a trip I put it into 3rd instead of 1st and it stalls. I then have to realize it, because I usually have the music up too loud. After realizing it I have to turn the key off and on again (which takes more time than you want when you are coasting through an intersection with 15 cars behind you). Driving home from the field tonight was a little different though. I had a stupid* police car following me from the highway all the way until I almost got to my street. And what do you think happened while I was going through the left turn signal? You are correct! I stalled the stupid* thing!!! Luckily he didn’t seem to notice, but by that time I was in a panic and sweating profusely from my upper lip. It really wasn’t a pleasant day at all.

*We all know what I am really thinking.

Full Circle

Published on by cmglife

I was going to write about my juice fast I’ve been on for four days. I say, I was, until I realized how I must be boring everyone with diet after diet.

I thought I’d write about my son, 18, who just graduated and has overnight turned into a horrible version of himself. More of the same, dull.

How about my bipolar II condition? Then I thought, do I capitalize the “b” in bipolar and do I use roman numerals for the “II” or the numeral “2”.

Obviously, sidetracked I started to write about my love of Adam Lambert and U2 (do you know I met Bono) (yes, yes, I did!).  Adam’s next (dare to dream)!

I wrote about the silly predicaments I get myself into. For instance, I kept biting the inside of my lip every time I cheated and ate on the four day juice fast (Karma I think). It’s going to take at least four days to heal!

See, somehow I have written about all the same boring things, but I have come full circle. That makes me feel better, you know, finishing things.

Trauma Lite

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

Things that stick with me…I have to blame a lot on my delicate mental condition, not everything, but a few things. Does anyone else have situations that haunt them with humiliation years after they have happened? Every once in a while they pop up as a random memory. I dwell on them for a few minutes, realize I am doing it and cast those memories aside. I’m keeping this light, so I’m not going to reveal some of the more traumatic stories.

Here it is: “Traumatic Lite”.

  1. Got so nervous at an interview typing test that the manager questioned if I could even type at all. She was actually mad. Must’ve thought I was trying to pull one over on her. (60 wpm actually.)
  2. Burnt a hole with a cigarette in the seat of John’s new Toyota pickup. Spent all day trying to see if I could replace the upholstery until I finally had to give in and tell him. (I don’t smoke anymore.)
  3. Rear ending a car because my breaks hadn’t been fixed. I pumped as much as I could all while smoking a cigarette, drinking a diet coke and blasting U2 on the stereo. The only thing missing was texting. Thank god they didn’t have that when I was a teenager, I, or someone else, would’ve been dead by now.
  4. A huge fundraiser I had organized. I was supposed to leave my house at 4am. Overslept until 6am. So late I couldn’t take Emily to daycare and had to take her with me. She cried the entire time with the co-worker that had to take her while I ran the event. Then I got “talked to” by my boss.
  5. One boss said to me, “We miss you when you’re not here”. Interpretation: You are taking too many “mental health” days.
  6. Left my VW running in gear with the emergency brake on at my dad’s house. Strangely, it lunged forward and ran straight into my dad’s new siding.
  7. Forgetting my keys and trying to get in the basement window. I pushed on the glass and the whole window fell in. Try explaining that to your husband!

Oh, too many to name. I’m sure everyone’s list is longer than this. Things really haven’t changed. Things like “Wardrobe Malfunctions” and misunderstanding people happen on an almost daily basis.

Cling Wrap – Who Hates It?

Published on by cmglife

Let me give you a little back story. I had been to the warehouse store and purchased some chicken, pork chops and other assorted bulk meats.  The best way to handle this project is to open the packets and wrap the meat in individual portions and put it in the freezer.

To do that you must use cling wrap, really nothing else does the job. Today after multiple mishaps and abrasions I realized with a few verbal expletives that I hate cling wrap! Should I have the read the warning on the box?

CAUTION: SHARP CUTTING EDGE (no shit!) Sorry, I wasn’t able to keep the few verbal expletives out of this post. It is so dangerous they had to spell the caution out in three languages!

The box says “CLINGS TIGHT WITHOUT A FIGHT” (cute, but totally untrue).  I’m reading the box now which is so hard to do when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head with contempt.

Easy to Handle it says, Push Tabs to Hold in Place (with your third hand) it says and Tear wrap up and across.

It should say scrape your knuckles on the serrated edge to grasp the roll because it wasn’t held in place by the “tabs”.  Use your fading vision to find the edge of the wrap and pull over the aforementioned serrated edge. Tear wrap up and across serrating your thumb while trying to pull the wrap from the razor sharp edge.

Trying to get it to lie flat to put the meat on is another paragraph that I’m sure you don’t feel like reading. (How did this get so long anyway?)

Cling wrap should not be confused with Glad’s close to the second coming of Christ – Press’n Seal . Press’n Seal is a miracle in itself for using as a replacement for lost tupperware lids.

Living Between Bono References

Published on by cmglife

I began to delete my old text messages because I still have all of them since purchasing my phone in 2012. Does everyone do that? Keep their text messages forever?

My daughter, Emily, sent me a few photos and a text message from an Obama Rally she was attending in 2012.

A conversation ensued:

            Me:  I can’t believe how close you got.  Too bad it wasn’t Bono.

            Emily: I know I kept thinking that! They played a lot of U2 at the rally.

            Me: Do you know that Bono is in the iPhone’s spell checker?

            Emily: Yes, just realized that and it’s awesome! I think he deserves it.

            Me: Thanks for putting up with me and all of my Bono references so enthusiastically.

This is pretty much the way I live my life, between Bono references.

Average Day

Published on by cmglife

Pretty average day today.

My new “Four Day Diet” book arrived in the mail. I started to read it, then skimmed through the fluff and got right down to the diet menus. I was typing out a shopping list, but couldn’t read the computer with my reading glasses on and couldn’t read the book without the readers! Tried to wear them halfway down my nose, but then I couldn’t breath. Taking them on and off again was pulling my hair. It took me at least half an hour longer to do this task than it should have (similar to telling this story).

Allison is sick today so I kept her company by watching “Pretty Little Liars” with her. Not that watching it wasn’t bad enough, she kept pausing the show every few minutes to explain the characters and plot to me.

Went to the grocery store and put three yogurts into a strange man’s basket even though he was saying, “Excuse, me. Excuse, me!”

I finally looked up and saw it was not my husband after all, just a doppelganger (bet you don’t know the last time you’ve used that term).

Got home, unloaded the car and dropped a jar of Ragu in the driveway.

Yeah, that’s about it.

Dancing Queen

Published on by cmglife

I used to be a great dancer on the floors of 3.2 clubs back in the 80’s.  Oh, yeah, I had the moves.  I was all decked out in the slouch boots, mini dress with a hip belt. Looking like a Madonna knock off.  I had the mile high bangs and bangles. Good times.

I don’t know what I would now days if a good song came on and I felt like dancing.  I’m not even talking about in front of someone; I mean alone. Just me, the house and my headphones.  The best I can do is walk across the house to the “beat” while I’m cleaning.  Pathetic.

What if I wanted to go to a concert?  What would I do? Stand there and just clap?  Are you going to a concert you ask? Well, no, but if I was…. I love to worry about things that aren’t happening.  I do have to be prepared for every situation you see.

So if I did have tickets to a concert to… I don’t know, to someone like…oooh I don’t know…Adam Lambert?   Do I go on YouTube and look for a how to dance video?  Yes, I do.  The only problem is they are all for young women.  While I do feel young at heart I don’t think the rest of the world sees me quite in the same light.

I need to figure out how to move in a mature but not “mature” manner .  God, that last sentence made me sound old.

I’ve got it! Can I just do the old sway with a lighter move? Do you think that will that pass as dancing?

Helicopter Parent

Published on by cmglife

A few months back I had written “A Little Taste of Crazy” where the campus monitor and I were searching the grassy knoll behind the school for Allison’s phone.

If I wasn’t then I am now officially a “helicopter parent”.

This time Allison lost her violin.  We went down to the orchestra room to look for it.  We checked among all of the other violins.  Allison saw it, but I said it wasn’t the hers because it didn’t have the correct tags.

The violin was rented and would cost me $340 to replace, so I was highly motivated to find it. I started out asking people as they passed by my desk and in the hallways.  That then escalated to sending out a school wide email.  This went on for two days.

Finally I called the rental place and asked for the serial numbers thinking another student may have taken the wrong violin.  I went down to the cupboard again in the orchestra room.  This is the part you’re going to love…it was there all the time!!! I felt terrible and apologized profusely to Allison.

I had to slink around the school avoiding the inevitable question, “Have you found Allison’s violin yet?” I would try to wiggle out of the question as best as I could with anemic answers such as, “Yes, thanks.” and if they asked where, I would tell most of the truth saying, “in the music room’s cupboard.”

Then I realized what I had been doing.  The “absence” of detail on my part was letting them assume it was Allison’s fault!

I’m going to hell.

P.S.  In good conscience I did start to elaborate as much as necessary saying something like, “It was there all along, I didn’t see it. I don’t want to talk about it”.

P.S.S.  Still going to hell.

So Cool

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

I felt so cool the way I handled my in-laws recently.

They seem to think I am not a great housekeeper.  They would be right, but why do they care?

The last straw were the little hints and back handed comments about my messy car. They were making my blood boil, but I was too nice or scared to say anything.  I know it is incomprehensible to some people that I could keep my mouth shut, but unfortunately it’s been figuratively beaten out of me.

I hate to clean. I find cleaning pretty close to the feeling of suffocation. As with a lot of things in life it must be done, so I do it.  I put my headphones on and rock out when cleaning the toilet or loading the dishwasher.  The other problem with my housekeeping skills is my ADHD or at least that is what I’m going with.  I just don’t see the dirt.  I mean some of it is noticeably obvious, but on my way there to clean it there is almost always something more interesting that catches my attention.

My passive aggressive stand to my in-laws was to wash my car the day after they left!

I did and then it snowed, not cool.

The Day My Clutch Went Out

Published on by cmglife1 Comment

On a way to a meeting today my clutch went out.  I managed to limp my car into a dealership, barely making it.  I was definitely shaken up after a 45 minute drive only able to use 2nd and 5th gear.

I was so elated and relieved to see the man in the service department! I wanted to fall onto the desk and tell him the whole story.  How I had handled it alone, no help from my dad or my husband!  I wanted to tell him what a big deal this was because I have no self confidence or mechanical experience.  Wouldn’t he be interested to also hear that I got stuck at an intersection a ¼ of a mile from here and I used my ingenuity and unusually long and ambipedal big toe to pry the clutch from the floor?  Wouldn’t he listen intently and sympathize maybe even offering me a seat, a coffee or a cold drink?

Instead all he asked was, “Can I have your last name?”