I was going to write about my juice fast I’ve been on for four days. I say, I was, until I realized how I must be boring everyone with diet after diet.
I thought I’d write about my son, 18, who just graduated and has overnight turned into a horrible version of himself. More of the same, dull.
How about my bipolar II condition? Then I thought, do I capitalize the “b” in bipolar and do I use roman numerals for the “II” or the numeral “2”.
Obviously, sidetracked I started to write about my love of Adam Lambert and U2 (do you know I met Bono) (yes, yes, I did!). Adam’s next (dare to dream)!
I wrote about the silly predicaments I get myself into. For instance, I kept biting the inside of my lip every time I cheated and ate on the four day juice fast (Karma I think). It’s going to take at least four days to heal!
See, somehow I have written about all the same boring things, but I have come full circle. That makes me feel better, you know, finishing things.
Oh, here we go again. I’m about to embark on another diet and exercise regimen. All in an effort to get rid of the weight that I hate to admit has been put on and is nearly impossible to get off because of my age.
I was at a party the other night when someone said they didn’t think I had a reason to worry about my weight.
“But, I’ve never been this weight” I said.
There was such an outburst of laughter and statements like “well neither have I” from six or seven women my age. I felt a little naïve.
Naïve or stubborn, I am not giving in.
My new plan is The Fast Diet. I start June 1. That will be my first fast of 500 calories day, two days a week. In between that you are supposed to eat normally (don’t know what that means anymore).
Tristan suggested cardio. Easy for him to say, at 18 he does a 9 mile hike on a whim after working all day or going to school.
For cardio I have decided to use my tread climber which I have used intermittently in the last few years. Second only to the “nine circles of hell of sweating” is the “abyss of boredom”.
The last time I used the machine I had a plan. I bought the audio book of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I thought it might keep me interested enough to stay on the machine and burn some calories. Hey! Don’t judge! I was curious, there used to be a lot of hype around those books. I listened to it for a while and then got too embarrassed in front of myself to continue. It was more mortifying when I plugged our iPad into my computer to charge it and then later realized the book had synced with my iTunes account.
Note to self: Delete “Fifty Shades of Grey” off the family iPad.
I know everyone has been wondering from a post a few weeks ago about my new stand up desk and how it has changed my life.
I suppose it has in a way. I now stand all day.
I’m still getting the occasional question asking how I’m getting along with it. As annoying as my “co-worker” is I know my answers repeated over and over again are getting to her (good).
“I really like it.”
“Don’t notice I’m standing.”
“Good for my back.”
“My neck doesn’t bother me anymore.”
While that is all true, it still hasn’t done what I got it for. After researching it thoroughly I found one can burn 70 – 90 calories per hour while standing. It still hasn’t put a dent in my weight. Now I wouldn’t go back to sitting again, but how disappointing!
Bottom line, I’m no thinner, but I would certainly recommend a stand up desk anyway, it makes me look taller.
By popular demand, imagined or not, I must release my diet plan to the clamoring masses.
Here is how I do it:
Wake up and have one cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer. I love creamer and I am willing to sacrifice food calories for it. I should get it delivered in a keg, have it on tap.
Coffee and creamer again at the office.
Yogurt, the best kind is the one where the water is sitting on top. You are so starving by this time it could be mold and it wouldn’t matter.
Lean cuisine or a salad for lunch.
Eat only protein like chicken breast in the evening for dinner and some veg. Just eat before 5pm. If it is after 5pm well I’m sorry you are screwed and hungry. Buck up. Wait until 7:00 pm.
Drink two glasses of wine, spread it over a couple of hours. Like the creamer, I love wine and am willing to give up that meatball sandwich in order to have it. Sacrifice, that is what it is all about in dieting. You may omit the wine, I can’t or won’t, but to each his own.
Don’t expect to be able to keep this up indefinitely, prepare yourself for a break down and eat a piece of bread or a bowl of cereal after 4-5 days.
Disclaimer: I am the only one that endorses this plan.
My dad told me recently that I am becoming a little cantankerous. You know, speaking my mind, lashing out. He thinks it might be because I work in a middle school and have to deal with all kinds of situations and it has caused me to develop an itchy trigger finger. He may be right about that, but I don’t think so.
I think I’m becoming a skinny bitch.
Skinny bitches are one’s with the attitude because they can fit into a pair of jeans that are at least 20 years younger than they should be wearing. That may not be the exact definition.
My husband commented that my new jeans are “really low” (low rise). He can’t get past the fact that I am not wearing 80’s mom jeans. Though these may be pushing it, I am thrilled I can actually wear them.
I’ve developed a weird body builder quirk. I’m not by any stretch of the imagination saying that I am a body builder I am just acting like one, I guess. This is just getting weirder and weirder, maybe it’s the steroids.
If there is someone acting like they are skeptical of my workouts (real or imagined I’m not sure) I’ll ask them to feel my bicep. And then I say, “And I’m not even flexing!”
Oh God, now that I’ve actually written this down I realize how insane I am acting. And yet still surprised!
I am exasperated. Nothing earth shattering, just irritated…generally irritated.
First off, I have the most annoying of annoying co-workers that I need to punch in his throat. The fantasy just isn’t cutting it anymore.
I want to eat carbs! I’m going to die if I don’t have a piece of bread today! If I have to have another fat free yogurt or a grilled chicken breast I’ll end up face down on the kitchen floor sobbing.
I finally love exercising. That scares and sickens me…
Every evening for the last four years (a coincidence, I think not) I’ve had a glass or two of wine. It’s become a boring habit. What other vice can I possibly replace the wine with? Cigarettes? Tried it, doesn’t work. Meth? Too vain. Sex? John couldn’t handle that much of me (wink)! Exercise? Already doing it. Whiskey? I’ll try it, but I’m not happy about it.
Just as I was getting to the stage of venom dripping from my keyboard, my family life crept in again in the form of my favorite son, Tristan. He came into the room and sat down right next to me with his laptop. I did move to the other side of the couch, but he had already cramped my style. Then there came John and he flipped on the tv to watch the game. I put my headphones on and tried to crawl back into the bitchy little cave I’d constructed. It didn’t work, couldn’t get my vibe back.
I have a feeling this mood is not over. Oh no, it is definitely is not over.