Category: Musings

Cling Wrap – Who Hates It?

Published on by cmglife

Let me give you a little back story. I had been to the warehouse store and purchased some chicken, pork chops and other assorted bulk meats.  The best way to handle this project is to open the packets and wrap the meat in individual portions and put it in the freezer.

To do that you must use cling wrap, really nothing else does the job. Today after multiple mishaps and abrasions I realized with a few verbal expletives that I hate cling wrap! Should I have the read the warning on the box?

CAUTION: SHARP CUTTING EDGE (no shit!) Sorry, I wasn’t able to keep the few verbal expletives out of this post. It is so dangerous they had to spell the caution out in three languages!

The box says “CLINGS TIGHT WITHOUT A FIGHT” (cute, but totally untrue).  I’m reading the box now which is so hard to do when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head with contempt.

Easy to Handle it says, Push Tabs to Hold in Place (with your third hand) it says and Tear wrap up and across.

It should say scrape your knuckles on the serrated edge to grasp the roll because it wasn’t held in place by the “tabs”.  Use your fading vision to find the edge of the wrap and pull over the aforementioned serrated edge. Tear wrap up and across serrating your thumb while trying to pull the wrap from the razor sharp edge.

Trying to get it to lie flat to put the meat on is another paragraph that I’m sure you don’t feel like reading. (How did this get so long anyway?)

Cling wrap should not be confused with Glad’s close to the second coming of Christ – Press’n Seal . Press’n Seal is a miracle in itself for using as a replacement for lost tupperware lids.

Puzzle From Hell

Published on by cmglife

Oh, how we persevered, puzzle from hell!

As I was picking it out at Barnes and Noble, Emily said, “No, Mom, it’s too complicated and too many pieces.”

No, I thought, I like the picture and that is all I could focus on.  The fact it was 1000 pieces of 100 cartoon horses seemed to be a non-issue.

I feel like I do this a lot; in fact I have kind of a reputation in my family of not seeing the big picture.  To me it doesn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason so it is hard for me to correct.  I know my loved ones would disagree.  They seem to see the common denominators in these situations and try to point them out to me before I take that fatal step.  Sometimes it’s something benign like the puzzle and sometimes quite severe like moving to a town with less than 800 people.

Well, this puzzle has become a metaphor for mine and Emily’s life together.

We persevered until it was done.  Even though it took up half the dining room table and we made everyone squish at one end to eat, we did not give in.  After two days, we did not give in. We did it together until we were seeing double. Then one would take a break and the other would continue.  Tristan came by and helped a bit.  Allison stuck in there for a few minutes until she announced every time, “I hate puzzles!”

When it was finally done and we realized there were three pieces missing, we felt annoyed for a minute and then let it roll off our backs.  We did everything we could do and it was enough.

The puzzle was just like us, a little broken, but we could see the big picture.

The Creamer and Wine Diet

Published on by cmglife1 Comment

By popular demand, imagined or not, I must release my diet plan to the clamoring masses.

Here is how I do it:

6:00 am 

Wake up and have one cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer. I love creamer and I am willing to sacrifice food calories for it.  I should get it delivered in a keg, have it on tap.

7:30 am

Coffee and creamer again at the office.

9:00 am

Yogurt, the best kind is the one where the water is sitting on top.  You are so starving by this time it could be mold and it wouldn’t matter.

11:15 am

Lean cuisine or a salad for lunch.

4:00 pm

Eat only protein like chicken breast in the evening for dinner and some veg. Just eat before 5pm. If it is after 5pm well I’m sorry you are screwed and hungry.  Buck up.  Wait until 7:00 pm.

7:00 pm

Drink two glasses of wine, spread it over a couple of hours. Like the creamer, I love wine and am willing to give up that meatball sandwich in order to have it. Sacrifice, that is what it is all about in dieting. You may omit the wine, I can’t or won’t, but to each his own.

Don’t expect to be able to keep this up indefinitely, prepare yourself for a break down and eat a piece of bread or a bowl of cereal after 4-5 days.

Disclaimer: I am the only one that endorses this plan.

Full House

Published on by cmglife

I have a full house this week of Christmas break.

And just how do you think I am handling the situation?  You would be right, not well, not well at all.  Tonight I took an anti anxiety pill I reserve for emergencies; second time in my life to use it. The first time I took one I actually had a panic attack. I was afraid what it would do to me.  Irony at it’s best, the drug is to prevent panic attacks.  Ha Ha Ha, what a crack up I am!

I wasn’t going to have a panic attack, but I was getting quite anxious knowing that my in-laws were joining my daughter, son in law and granddaughter (they were here first) at our house for a few days.  On top of that I will be entertaining a cousin and his family.  Oh, yeah then there are John’s friends.  I tend to be a bit of an introvert so having this many people and for so long is wearing my nerves down.

They mean well, but when my sister-in-law starts telling me about people she knows, their names, their children’s names, their spouse’s names and their pets’ names, breed, age and gender.  After I learn all of that there is the list of jobs each of them has, how great the jobs are and their co-workers.  Half way through the evening I am so agitated from boredom, but trying to be polite and pay attention even by asking pertinent questions when I think appropriate. After two hours of this I feel like drowning myself in the kitchen sink.

Tonight I couldn’t take it, even though I had mother’s little helper swimming through my blood stream I begged off saying I was too tired and must go to bed.  I sneaked the laptop into the bedroom and here I sit with headphones on writing to save my sanity for tomorrow.

I do most of this for my husband. I have to step up. Wait a minute, he was gone a suspiciously long time getting groceries just after they arrived.  He didn’t have a good explanation of why it took one and half hours to spend $100 dollars. Coward.

Pretty Boy Crushes

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My first celebrity crush was Tommy Shaw from Styx.  My sister had their first album and at 12 I was transfixed by his pretty boy looks.

Then there was Jim Morrison.  Adam Ant. Prince (disturbing, but true). I had a crush on a real life person for many years, an ex-boyfriend of mine.

Bono, need I say more?  At least I actually met him.  Shook his hand, twice!  Also, met The Edge. Shook his hand too!

More recently was Johnny Depp.  That crush kept going for a couple of years.  It faded and I tossed him to the curb.

I was really feeling empty until, Adam Lambert. My newest pretty boy crush. I know, he’s gay, which sucks for him and me.  Star crossed lovers is what we are. He is so completely gorgeous and talented I can’t believe he can’t and won’t ever be in the running.  How can a straight woman have a crush on a gay man?  Don’t know.

In a life like mine a little fantasy is a harmless outlet.  Sex, drugs and alcohol have their merits, but having a harmless crush on someone can be quite therapeutic.  They don’t demand anything from you, you can deny them when you are not in the mood and when you have moved on you don’t have to break the news to them.  In fact you can be quite cruel which in itself can be freeing and satisfying.  There is no splitting of the assets, the children or the pets. It’s a perfect arrangement.

There is the little thing that they don’t know you exist.  I realize that, but in my case a handshake will do.

Christmas Dinners

Published on by cmglife

Whatever happened to “themed” Christmas dinners? That is what my family will ask after I’m gone.

“I don’t know,” Emily will say wistfully “my favorite was the BBQ.  Even though I’m a vegetarian I loved the smell of the smoked sausage, ham and ribs cooking all day in the oven.”

Tristan will reminisce, “I remember the prime rib and frozen coconut shrimp Christmas.  The prime rib was a little cold by the time it got to the table and the shrimp was almost thawed, but Mom looked great!”

Little Allison will look longingly at the dining room table, “I remember the Italian Christmas when I was 11.  The pasta stuck together like it does on any other day, but I did get to drink sparkling apple juice from a champagne glass.”

That is what I envision as a post death conversation my resistant family will be having regarding my themed Christmas dinners.  Always being a pioneer, I started the themed Christmas dinners a few years ago to expose the children to new cultures and diversity.

Yeah, that’s a load of “stuffing”.  I started it because we had already had turkey, etc. less than four weeks earlier for Thanksgiving.  I personally don’t like turkey and how often do you get to justify a $35 piece of meat?

Petite Ears

Published on by cmglife

I am sitting in bed writing at the moment.  I write listening to music with my earphones in.  I’m talking the ear buds, not the $200 customized dj headphones (I wouldn’t be caught dead in them anyway; I never wear ear muffs either).  I must have unusually small ears because ear buds are never comfortable. If I’m wearing the earphones while I’m cleaning which I always do (it keeps my mind off it) they are constantly falling out.   I am forever readjusting, fiddling or putting them back in.

Then there is the fact that they get caught on everything while I’m walking around the house.  The cord gets caught on the dishwasher rack mostly.   Sometimes I don’t realize I’m wearing them and do something stupid like change my shirt.  Let me tell you it’s a drag trying to untangle earphones out of the sleeves of your shirt.

Just the general sudden hand movements that drag the earphones quickly and violently from one’s ear.  That just plain hurts and kind of pisses me off because I am usually concentrating on some important thought and that messes up my flow.

Have you ever been zapped by static while wearing earphones?  Boy, that’s no fun.  I suffer enough brain zapps before my medicine kicks in the morning thank you very much.

What the #!*$@ now?

Published on by cmglife

What to write about? What to write about? Hmmm, I’ll write about PTSD shall I?

Right out of left field it hit me.  Going along minding my own business and then POW! Something went wrong at work and it was my fault. I tell you, it is exhausting trying to be perfect all the time to avoid such blind sides.

I somehow shakily made it to my friend’s office and closed the door in time to burst into a quiet sob. My mind was in chaos.  Simultaneously trying to calm myself and understand what the hell was going on again.

I am usually so stoic and have such a calm exterior that everyone rallied around me thinking it must be something pretty serious.  What could possibly bring her to her knees like this?  I never try to explain it, no one would understand.

I’m six again being screamed at by Sister Ann. I’m eight being screamed at by Sister Sean.  I’m ten being bullied by Josephine and Karen.  I’m…you get the pattern. Except the difference is no one was yelling at me.  No one was even the least bit annoyed or accusatory. I guess all I needed was just a whiff of disapproval.

And then there is my shame.  PTSD is usually associated with war, incest, near death experiences.  What’s my deal?

This is the first time this has happened since I’ve been “well”.  Doubting all of that now. Just how many pharmaceuticals is it going to take?

Exposed

Published on by cmglife

Lately I’ve been writing less than positive posts. While I’m trying to express a different side of myself I feel like they have fallen short of the way I really feel.  I have always had to laugh things off to get through life and as I’ve gotten older it’s the only the thing that has kept me alive.

Everyday life, while medicated and feeling so much better being leveled out, is still a tremendous struggle.  I am who I am.  That will not change.  I still suffer from general anxiety, social anxiety, lack of confidence and all the things left in the wake of living a life of undiagnosed mental illness in a cruel world.

Don’t get me wrong I know I am very funny (wink) and I would never deprive the world of that.

It just helps to reveal one’s real self sometimes a little bit. (Yeah, that was convincing).  I’m obviously still resistant.  I am used to the mask.  I’m used to acting my way through life.  Watching, learning and mimicking other people’s reactions to things.

Right now, writing this and then eventually posting it has me feeling very exposed.

Confessions of a Mad Woman

Published on by cmglife

Don’t men drive you crazy sometimes? Whether you are in love with them, living with them, married or not, female or not, don’t they just drive you crazy? As a person married to one for twenty years I will tell you it has been one of the biggest tests in my life to stay with my husband.

The other day I actually sprayed his toothbrush with Windex while I was cleaning the bathroom.  It was completely immature, but it gave me great pleasure.  He had hurt my feelings, I was mad, but I was too proud to say anything so I did something so incredibly passive aggressive it should go down in the books.  Anyway, Windex isn’t that poisonous is it?

I contemplated swishing the toothbrush around in the toilet, but that seemed too clichéd.  On the second pass at the sink I felt a pang of guilt so I entertained the idea of rinsing it under the water, but instead I sprayed it again.