Category: Divorce

The Last Thing I Would Have Expected….

Published on by cmglife

I was already to leave.  I had my mind made up, part of me felt really good and then the unexpected happened. I started talking to John about what I thought would be the 4th and final “I want a divorce” talk. You know what he sprung on me? Therapy. He said he would go to therapy to keep me! Not couples therapy, but therapy for him!

Unfortunately, according to what I’ve read, this is right on cue for a narcissist. He’s been “love bombing” me all weekend. This is what they do when they are faced with abandonment.

I don’t think it will last. He can usually only keep the nice guy routine up for a few weeks, if that. The difference is this year I am not going to get sucked back in, I’m not falling for it again. If the therapy doesn’t work I’ve got all my ducks in a row .

I am keeping the papers filed and am continuing with the divorce process.  I guess I’m playing both sides of the fence. I want to see if the therapy works.

So many emotions today. Disappointment. Apprehension. Suspicion. Strangely no relief or happiness with this new turn of events.

My Divorce, Step 3

Published on by cmglife

I don’t know how I’ve been lately. It’s kind of a state of being in the past, present and future all day long.

The past is full of bad memories of being bullied into a Vegas wedding, moving to North Dakota and getting a second job to name but a few.

The present is full of resentment for the past, cringing when I see his car in the driveway and dreading when he gets home.

The future is full of fear, dread and a happiness I’m afraid I shouldn’t be feeling.

Today it’s fear. I signed the papers. 26 year marriage over in 15 minutes.

I walked out to the car afterwards. At the door I almost started to cry and then I said out loud,

“Buck up! This is what you’ve always wanted”.

My Divorce, Step 2

Published on by cmglife

So I asked him for a divorce, well, sort of.  We went out to lunch and I brought up our relationship problems.  I said I think it is time to get a divorce.  And it just kind of got lost in the conversation. I didn’t want to push it. I was completely drained of courage just bringing up the subject.

I didn’t blame or tell him the real reason I want a divorce. That would just start an avalanche of accusations and blame on me. It never works to confront a narcissist with their bad behavior. They just end up turning it around on you, no matter how bizarre or untrue it is.

We talked about being unhappy, not having anything in common, etc. and after lunch we went to Cosco.

Is that the way all divorce conversations go?

Ice Tsunami

Published on by cmglife

I haven’t asked for the divorce yet.  I am waiting for the right time, but I have the same steely resolve.

I can’t stop thinking of the last two decades of bullying and tears. The old memories keep flooding in.  It’s like the phenomenon know as an “ice shove”, when ice from a lake or ocean surges forward onto land.  The ice is my memories anmaxresdefaultd they have been shoved to my door step where they can no longer be ignored or tolerated.

It seems like there are thousands of stories and they keep popping up in my mind all day long.  It has to be done. I have to be free, once and for all.

First Step

Published on by cmglife3 Comments

I went to see a lawyer today.  The trick is to have as much in order by the time I tell him I want a divorce.  Otherwise, he will convince me I’m not capable of leaving him.  He will begin to belittle me, make me doubt myself.

I did begin to waffle last night.  I was getting very confused until I went to my journal.  I began keeping it last year.  Smart.  I read it. Then I brought to the front of my brain my children and how much the older two have suffered from this man.  The youngest is still trauma free, but not for long.  She is of age to start getting his wrath.

If you’ve ever been under the thumb of a narcissist you understand how they can worm their way back by scattering crumbs that you gobble up to relieve your emotional starvation. It never took much for me.  I had a narcissist mother.  I went from one narc to another. I guess I thought that was a normal relationship dynamic.

I still hear of couples getting married or saying how much they love each other and it mystifies me.  I know pure love for my children, dad and sister.  I don’t know what true romantic love feels like.

I’m really scared.  Oh, God, please help me get through this….