Tag: humor

Here We Go Again

Published on by cmglife

Oh, here we go again. I’m about to embark on another diet and exercise regimen. All in an effort to get rid of the weight that I hate to admit has been put on and is nearly impossible to get off because of my age.

I was at a party the other night when someone said they didn’t think I had a reason to worry about my weight.

“But, I’ve never been this weight” I said.

There was such an outburst of laughter and statements like “well neither have I” from six or seven women my age. I felt a little naïve.

Naïve or stubborn, I am not giving in.

My new plan is The Fast Diet. I start June 1. That will be my first fast of 500 calories day, two days a week. In between that you are supposed to eat normally (don’t know what that means anymore).

Tristan suggested cardio. Easy for him to say, at 18 he does a 9 mile hike on a whim after working all day or going to school.

For cardio I have decided to use my tread climber which I have used intermittently in the last few years. Second only to the “nine circles of hell of sweating” is the “abyss of boredom”.

The last time I used the machine I had a plan. I bought the audio book of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I thought it might keep me interested enough to stay on the machine and burn some calories. Hey! Don’t judge! I was curious, there used to be a lot of hype around those books. I listened to it for a while and then got too embarrassed in front of myself to continue. It was more mortifying when I plugged our iPad into my computer to charge it and then later realized the book had synced with my iTunes account.

Note to self: Delete “Fifty Shades of Grey” off the family iPad.

Standing Up-Date

Published on by cmglife

I know everyone has been wondering from a post a few weeks ago about my new stand up desk and how it has changed my life.

I suppose it has in a way. I now stand all day.

I’m still getting the occasional question asking how I’m getting along with it. As annoying as my “co-worker” is I know my answers repeated over and over again are getting to her (good).

“I really like it.”

“Don’t notice I’m standing.”

“Good for my back.”

“My neck doesn’t bother me anymore.”

While that is all true, it still hasn’t done what I got it for. After researching it thoroughly I found one can burn 70 – 90 calories per hour while standing.  It still hasn’t put a dent in my weight. Now I wouldn’t go back to sitting again, but how disappointing!

Bottom line, I’m no thinner, but I would certainly recommend a stand up desk anyway, it makes me look taller.

Blizzard Conditions

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

Ever ended up in a ditch during a blizzard?  I did.

That would’ve been enough for one weekend I think, but oh no, it didn’t begin there.  Being forced into a ditch was only the middle of the trip from hell.  I’ve had some pretty bad days in my life as you can imagine and this was one of my worst.

Let me start at the beginning with driving in freezing fog.  I had the defrost on full blast to help keep the windshield from completely freezing over.

Next there was the aforementioned blizzard.  Snow packed roads and two accidents.

I finally got off the highway only to experience near white out conditions. That is when a Subaru came hurling towards me spinning out of control and forced me into a ditch. I held it together for long enough to call AAA, but after that it was not a pretty sight.  I called John and burst into tears.  I had done everything right the whole trip, I had been so strong and careful, but a sympathetic voice broke through the dam.

I sat there for about 20 minutes until miraculously a man that owned a ranch down the road drove his tractor to me and pulled my car out!  Seriously this happened! Surely my luck had turned.

I took off again, this time the weather slowly got better.  All I had to deal with were a few white out ground blizzards because of the 50 mph wind gusts.  No problem.

I arrived at my destination, found the place easily and pulled in.  I took a couple of deep breaths and reflected just how strong I was during that ordeal.  I had gone through hell and managed to make it out the other side.

Feeling triumphant, although a little shaky, I opened the car door. The wind caught it and it hit the car beside me.

Standing Up

Published on by cmglife3 Comments

In an ongoing attempt to get rid of the “middle aged spread” I am getting a stand up desk at work. The office is a buzz with this new piece of futuristic equipment!  I’m not sure why it is such a renegade idea.  So many professions stand all day long.  Waitresses, pharmacists, factory workers, cashiers…the list could be as long as this page.

It hasn’t come yet, but I am getting ready for it’s arrival.  I have ordered a chef’s mat with shock absorbent qualities and arch supports for my shoes.  Not only will it help my health (weight) it will solve that annoying problem of getting up and down from my chair every two minutes to help a student or a parent at the counter.

The anticipation of it’s arrival is killing me!  I’ll let you know as soon as it arrives and begins to transform my life in every aspect!

To Fold or Not to Fold

Published on by cmglife

I can only do my laundry in stages. Maybe it’s me or my ADHD  (maybe everyone else does their laundry this way and I am being paranoid as usual).

I do it all on Saturdays or Sundays and sometimes both.  Sort, wash, dry, fold and put away (SWDFPA).  I can’t do it after 4:00 because it will sit and mildew in the washer, too late to get through the SWDFPA cycle.  It’s a regimented chaotic system I have developed.

So, at the end of a long weekend day of SWDFPA, I don’t always get to fold the monstrous pile on the bed.  That really sucks when one has had their allocated two glasses of wine and decides to finally throw in the towel (no pun intended) and go to bed.

It is a vicious circle, a “Catch 22” if you will.  I want to flop into bed because of the laundry yet can’t, because of the laundry.

This is when the fight of wills ensues.  Pull all the clothes to one side and go to bed anyway? It’s worked before…..  Transfer them to the couch? No, I would be a hypocrite. (My husband puts dried clothes on the living room couch which is the reason I will murder him one day.)

Do you know that folding clothes after a couple of glasses of wine really wrecks a good buzz?

Where Am I?

Published on by cmglife

I walked into the dingy laundromat last week to get our comforter washed.  Dingy is how I would describe every laundromat I have ever been in.

The music playing was nice, something Caribbean, merengue maybe? As I scanned the room for the counter I wondered casually what everyone’s story was.  Why don’t they own a washer and dryer?  I don’t judge.  There was a time when I was a young mother using the laundromat.

As I got to the desk, there was a young guy who asked me how he could help.  I gave him my comforter and waited as he wrote out the ticket.  We chatted about the weather, the fact that it was Friday, etc.  He took my money and I left.

As I walked through all the machines I reflected how much my life had changed.  I had my own washer and dryer now.  I had arrived.

I went through the doors to my car.  As I reached for my keys I noticed the music was still playing.  I felt for my phone.  The merengue music had been blasting from my purse all along.

Oh, yes, I had arrived alright. To where I’m not sure.

Puzzle From Hell

Published on by cmglife

Oh, how we persevered, puzzle from hell!

As I was picking it out at Barnes and Noble, Emily said, “No, Mom, it’s too complicated and too many pieces.”

No, I thought, I like the picture and that is all I could focus on.  The fact it was 1000 pieces of 100 cartoon horses seemed to be a non-issue.

I feel like I do this a lot; in fact I have kind of a reputation in my family of not seeing the big picture.  To me it doesn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason so it is hard for me to correct.  I know my loved ones would disagree.  They seem to see the common denominators in these situations and try to point them out to me before I take that fatal step.  Sometimes it’s something benign like the puzzle and sometimes quite severe like moving to a town with less than 800 people.

Well, this puzzle has become a metaphor for mine and Emily’s life together.

We persevered until it was done.  Even though it took up half the dining room table and we made everyone squish at one end to eat, we did not give in.  After two days, we did not give in. We did it together until we were seeing double. Then one would take a break and the other would continue.  Tristan came by and helped a bit.  Allison stuck in there for a few minutes until she announced every time, “I hate puzzles!”

When it was finally done and we realized there were three pieces missing, we felt annoyed for a minute and then let it roll off our backs.  We did everything we could do and it was enough.

The puzzle was just like us, a little broken, but we could see the big picture.

The Creamer and Wine Diet

Published on by cmglife1 Comment

By popular demand, imagined or not, I must release my diet plan to the clamoring masses.

Here is how I do it:

6:00 am 

Wake up and have one cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer. I love creamer and I am willing to sacrifice food calories for it.  I should get it delivered in a keg, have it on tap.

7:30 am

Coffee and creamer again at the office.

9:00 am

Yogurt, the best kind is the one where the water is sitting on top.  You are so starving by this time it could be mold and it wouldn’t matter.

11:15 am

Lean cuisine or a salad for lunch.

4:00 pm

Eat only protein like chicken breast in the evening for dinner and some veg. Just eat before 5pm. If it is after 5pm well I’m sorry you are screwed and hungry.  Buck up.  Wait until 7:00 pm.

7:00 pm

Drink two glasses of wine, spread it over a couple of hours. Like the creamer, I love wine and am willing to give up that meatball sandwich in order to have it. Sacrifice, that is what it is all about in dieting. You may omit the wine, I can’t or won’t, but to each his own.

Don’t expect to be able to keep this up indefinitely, prepare yourself for a break down and eat a piece of bread or a bowl of cereal after 4-5 days.

Disclaimer: I am the only one that endorses this plan.

Full House

Published on by cmglife

I have a full house this week of Christmas break.

And just how do you think I am handling the situation?  You would be right, not well, not well at all.  Tonight I took an anti anxiety pill I reserve for emergencies; second time in my life to use it. The first time I took one I actually had a panic attack. I was afraid what it would do to me.  Irony at it’s best, the drug is to prevent panic attacks.  Ha Ha Ha, what a crack up I am!

I wasn’t going to have a panic attack, but I was getting quite anxious knowing that my in-laws were joining my daughter, son in law and granddaughter (they were here first) at our house for a few days.  On top of that I will be entertaining a cousin and his family.  Oh, yeah then there are John’s friends.  I tend to be a bit of an introvert so having this many people and for so long is wearing my nerves down.

They mean well, but when my sister-in-law starts telling me about people she knows, their names, their children’s names, their spouse’s names and their pets’ names, breed, age and gender.  After I learn all of that there is the list of jobs each of them has, how great the jobs are and their co-workers.  Half way through the evening I am so agitated from boredom, but trying to be polite and pay attention even by asking pertinent questions when I think appropriate. After two hours of this I feel like drowning myself in the kitchen sink.

Tonight I couldn’t take it, even though I had mother’s little helper swimming through my blood stream I begged off saying I was too tired and must go to bed.  I sneaked the laptop into the bedroom and here I sit with headphones on writing to save my sanity for tomorrow.

I do most of this for my husband. I have to step up. Wait a minute, he was gone a suspiciously long time getting groceries just after they arrived.  He didn’t have a good explanation of why it took one and half hours to spend $100 dollars. Coward.

Pretty Boy Crushes

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My first celebrity crush was Tommy Shaw from Styx.  My sister had their first album and at 12 I was transfixed by his pretty boy looks.

Then there was Jim Morrison.  Adam Ant. Prince (disturbing, but true). I had a crush on a real life person for many years, an ex-boyfriend of mine.

Bono, need I say more?  At least I actually met him.  Shook his hand, twice!  Also, met The Edge. Shook his hand too!

More recently was Johnny Depp.  That crush kept going for a couple of years.  It faded and I tossed him to the curb.

I was really feeling empty until, Adam Lambert. My newest pretty boy crush. I know, he’s gay, which sucks for him and me.  Star crossed lovers is what we are. He is so completely gorgeous and talented I can’t believe he can’t and won’t ever be in the running.  How can a straight woman have a crush on a gay man?  Don’t know.

In a life like mine a little fantasy is a harmless outlet.  Sex, drugs and alcohol have their merits, but having a harmless crush on someone can be quite therapeutic.  They don’t demand anything from you, you can deny them when you are not in the mood and when you have moved on you don’t have to break the news to them.  In fact you can be quite cruel which in itself can be freeing and satisfying.  There is no splitting of the assets, the children or the pets. It’s a perfect arrangement.

There is the little thing that they don’t know you exist.  I realize that, but in my case a handshake will do.