One Year Anniversary

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An anniversary is coming up. It’s been almost a year since I filed for divorce from John. In some type of modern day miracle he met all of my demands to not go through with it.

I asked him to see a counselor. He did. I wanted a bank card with my name on it instead of always having to ask him for money. It was humiliating. He got one for me. I gave him a pretty lengthy list of behaviors he must change. He has. That’s the miracle!

I also wanted him to go to my therapist with me so she could explain my condition and what I needed from him. He came with me the next appointment. She explained the disorder and how it effects me.

So the question I have left for myself is…. was I wrong? Was he just acting like a narcissist, but not really one? That’s the best answer I have come up with. My mother was one. Maybe I am just extra sensitive. I think it also has a lot to do with age. John had treated me badly pretty much of our whole marriage. I don’t think the same approach would’ve worked with him 10 years ago.

Of course, there are problems. I am still in the habit of withdrawing. When I realize I’m doing that it takes all of my willpower and energy to make sure I reconnect with him. I do love him, I always have. At least now he is making it much easier.

One horrible thought keeps seeping in.  What has he been through living with me for 20 years, a mental case? Oh yeah, I am medicated now, but it has taken at least five years to even out my mood.  And even then I just suffered two major depressions in less than three months.  He has always hung in there.  Hanging in there emotionally abusing me, but none the less, stayed. I don’t have an answer.

Fascinating Article on a Genetic Mutation Linked to Bipolar Disorder

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Genetic Mutation Found In 1 Of Every 200 People Linked To Alcoholism, Schizophrenia, And Bipolar Disorder

 

“The Great Christmas Crash of 2015”

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I have been going to post around ten times in the last month. Each time starting, writing a line and giving up. I just haven’t been able to express myself in the same way since “The Great Crash of Christmas 2015”.

To bring you up to speed of my saga, I was suffering from tardive dyskinesia (uncontrolled muscle movement), a side effect of Abilify.  I had an urge to clench and un-clench my right leg and tap my left foot. My doctor and I decided to go off Abilify. Two weeks later I had a depressive meltdown. I went the next day to my psychiatrist and I started on Seroquel.

I was doing fine on that for about another two weeks until the depression hit again. I had no idea how bad I really was. The week of Christmas was a nightmare for me. The in-laws were here, my mom had died at Christmas just last year, Emily and kids weren’t there and my sister and Dad weren’t coming. I would excuse myself every night at 6 o’clock, go to my bedroom and drink wine. That didn’t put a dent in my mood. That should’ve been a clue, but still it wasn’t.

One morning I had a meltdown very similar to the last one six weeks ago. I called my dr to get in and he was out of the office on vacation. I couldn’t help crying on the phone to the receptionist. How humiliating. She gave me his cell number and I was too embarrassed to call so I texted asking for him to call at his earliest convenience. That’s right I was on the verge of suicide, but had the wherewithal to mind my manners.

He doubled my dosage of Seroquel. After a few days staying in bed watching every English mystery on Netflix , I finally felt better. John was amazing during this time. I will have to do a follow up on my new marriage soon.

After being on a prescription roller-coaster for the last three months all I can do now is stay the course and try to keep the fear at bay. I sometimes forget that even though medicated and a hell of a lot better, I still have a bipolar disorder to wrangle each day.

Hopefully I am back again, I would say normal, but that would be ridiculous.

[More to come, the rut of all ruts, drinking, medicinal weight gain, the turnaround of an abusive marriage, Adam Lambert, etc.  So much finally to  write about.]

 

Seriously Preoccupied

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car

After coming out of my doctor’s appointment, my first question was, “Who re-parked my car?!”

Back on Abilify

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Oh the sweet feeling just listening to music. I was doing just this, sampling some music on ITunes that I had heard on the radio.

Then I have to go all “warden” on the dogs and ruin the moment. The two are on some sort of “high alert” and have both sat up and looked at the closed bedroom door.

“Hey, you two can just lie back down, “I say, “Henry! Lie down! Ellie! Lie down!” If I don’t exert a disciplinarian tone they will both start barking. I guess it doesn’t matter, the mood is ruined, but not really.

Oh, I didn’t mention having to go back on the Abilify?

Yes, after being withdrawn from the medication for 26 days I was falling apart. I know a lot of you have have suffered depression. This was not your normal run of the mill depression (I’ve had that too), this was serious “cannot get out of bed and go into work” depression.

I went to my doctor.  I was so afraid to suffer more or different side effects from the Abilify again, I asked if he could recommend something else. The alternative was Seroquel. He didn’t give it rave reviews as far I was concerned. I was too scared and confused to make a decision. What should I take, the new one with sedation qualities or back on the Abilify and just persevere through the akathisias and the weight gain?

I called my sister sobbing, barely able to get my words out and she said, “Go home right now and take the Abilify. You have to get on top of this again before you can make any decision”.

So that is what I did. I feel better emotionally. It must have been totally out of my system because I lost 3 lbs without doing anything and the akathisias became less. I’ve been on it again for about two weeks. I’ve gained 2 lbs back and I think the akathisias is coming back.

It’s always a trade off, I realize that. I’m definitely making a trade off with my physical well being for my mental well being. It’s not really a choice when I think about it.

Abilify Side Effects/Withdrawal

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Oh, where to begin. I suppose where I left off in August.

I still have my nervous clenching, now in my leg. It’s not a tapping, but a clenching. If I really concentrate I can stop it. The urge is still there, not a pleasant one, a very annoying one like an itch or when you want to pop your elbow or knuckles. I am also having trouble sitting still in general. The only time I get any relief is when I’m asleep and, of course, I can’t enjoy it.

I talked to my psychiatrist about it two months ago when it had been happening for about 6 weeks. He said it could be a side effect of the abilify. He said to see what happened with my psychologist and some relaxation training. Well I never did the relaxation training, I am a non-believer, it’s never worked for me at least.

Fast forward two months later, it’s worse and I am having more trouble controlling it. My doctor has diagnosed it as:

Akathisia – a movement disorder in which there is a feeling of inner restlessness and a strong urge to be constantly moving.

I do swear occasionally. I would love to let loose a tirade right now, but won’t in fear of offending anyone reading.

At my doctor’s backing I went off the abilify slowly. I have been totally off it now for about 5 days. Withdrawal symptoms are a crashing 4 day headache and listless/low grade depression, a little irritability, but not much else.

Since I still have the restlessness and clenching leg I started to research it on line to see if anyone else has this. I found a lot of people with it when taking abilify, some much worse than mine. I could have it in my face or arms. Mine is a little easier to conceal. The thing is that it could be permanent! I am just hoping the drug isn’t totally out of my brain yet.

This leads me to a real disappointment with my cocktail of medications I thought was tweaked to perfection. I’m also feeling a little sorry for myself.

Up to Speed

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I’ve been away from my blog for a while. It happens. I’ve been so submerged in Allison and her struggle with anxiety, starting to border on agoraphobia, her medication and also EMDR. She is doing much better by the way, I believe she has finally turned a corner and is on her way to some peace of mind.

I’ve been going to therapy for my anxiety too. The EMDR has been working. It’s like magic. I have to work hard and it is bringing up a lot of stuff I don’t want. I hate to have to admit that some of the things I have thought were being done to me were actually me.

My marriage is getting better. My therapist says everyone has the possibility to change. And it’s been since March 30 that I proposed divorce. I’m feeling more comfortable with the situation. I’m going to be pretty upset if this isn’t real to say the least.

And, of course, if it’s not one thing it’s another. I have somehow developed another nervous habit. Clenching my hands. I clench and unclench all day long. I can control it when I think about it, but I don’t realize I’m doing it until I am doing it. So by then someone has noticed. It’s not that apparent unless you are sitting right next to me or across from me. I talked to my therapist about it and she didn’t really come up with any good ideas how to stop except relaxing, other ways to relieve tension, the usual useless advice for anxiety. I’m going back to work in a week and I don’t feel any closer to getting it under control.

Narcissism vs. Alcohol

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Is alcoholism bigger than narcissism? I don’t know.  Maybe they are equal in my marriage right now.  If you read my post “It’s 11 p.m.” alcohol abuse explains it.

I drink too. I am not supposed to because of the medication I’m taking. I’ve only ever had an interaction with one medication, so I keep drinking. I don’t tell my psychiatrist because he would tell me to stop. He would also be very serious and maybe even a bit annoyed with me.

I drink wine every night. And because I can never be completely happy or content with myself I wonder if I have a drinking problem too.

I have read a lot of articles about how to stop.  Tips like taking a hot bath, a long walk or read instead of that second glass.  WTF?  Does that stuff work for anyone who is craving a drink?  No. For me, white knuckling it for a couple of weeks is the only way to go.  It’s just like chocolate, I either eat the whole king sized bar or nothing.  Breaking off two “squares” doesn’t work for me.

Hey, wait a minute, how did this post become about MY drinking?  Typical. It’s always been easier for me to take it on than to trust someone else to change.

Stay tuned for my next post, EMDR treatment…will it work?

It’s 11 p.m.

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It’s 11pm here.  Husband still isn’t home.  Last week he did the same thing by saying he was running an errand and then after numerous unanswered phone calls to him he arrived 6 hours later drunk.

Oh I told him what I thought of his behavior. This is something I would have never dared to do and he would have never tolerated in the old days (pre-divorce threat). He apologized and explained how it would not happen again.  I didn’t believe him.  It was the first chink I noticed in his new armour.

Now here I am sitting in bed writing this. Scared and confused actually.

Is the “love bombing” over that fast?  I only know about narcissists from what I have read recently.  So, although I had been sucked in before, I didn’t know it was happening.  I’ve been “love bombed” before as well, but it was just great to get some crumbs that I was starved for.

This seems to be a classic example of a narcissist not being able to keep it up for long.

Now it’s 11:30.

P.S.  U2 is touring. I don’t care (much). That’s the kind of state I’m in right now.  That really pisses me off!

Anxiety Again.

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I’m finally giving in to my elevating anxiety.  My anxiety is starting to swirl again and I’m losing ground. I’ve decided to go to a psychologist. I’ll see if it is me or my medication needs tweaking again. I may even ask for EMDR to help deal with past trauma and a few phobias that are affecting my everyday life and interfering with my family relationships.

It really sucks to have to do this again.  Having to repeat what my present problems are and then having to go over my entire life story.  I have said it so many times to so many professionals over the years I’m not sure I will even cry or tear up anymore.  That at least is a plus.

I have an image of me bringing my medications in a tote and pouring them out on her table and saying, shouldn’t this be enough? I’m 49 soon and I am exhausted.  I know I’m not the only one that has this problem of maintaining mental health with Bipolar II.  I don’t know why I keep expecting things to work.  Maybe I need to give in to the fact there is never going to be a permanent solution and I will have to work on this forever.  Why haven’t I ever realized this before?  Probably because I felt so good the those six months last year!