Sin City – Day 2

Published on by cmglife

We were all ready to go by 4:30 for the cab ride out to the speedway. I kept checking my phone for weather updates. My forecast read 46 for night time. 75% of the people on our team were from North Dakota and the rest (John and I) had just come from -1. A night time temperature of 46 degrees! I almost wore my swimsuit under the fleece coat, hat, boots, mittens and scarf.

At the speedway, the cars started roaring around the track like something out of Mad Max; armored body and huge tires in the front.  The cars left a big billow cloud of dust behind them. It got in my eyes, mouth and nose. I thought at first I was the only one who was bothered until I saw several people wearing ski goggles.

I did so much arbitrary drinking while I was in Vegas. It didn’t matter where or what time it was. I had Bailey’s in my coffee at the track, but then I think it made me nauseous watching the race cars go round and round.

In between races there was nothing to do except drink “coffee” and talk about engines. As much as I love that topic, Ashley kept me interested with tales from the Midwest in a small North Dakota town. Why do I never hear stories like these from my friends? These were really juicy. Pregnancies, infidelity, divorce, custody, drugs and you name it from Jerry Springer and it was happening to someone she knew.

At midnight it was finally over! John called a cab.  We were so close to going back to our hotel room! The taxi service said they would be out in 20 minutes so we began walking through hundreds of cars and campers parked in “the pit”.  As we arrived at the gate a taxi pulled up.  I grabbed for the door handle before the cab came to a stop. After a few comments on how quick the cab driver had gotten there it was obvious we had someone else’s cab. I didn’t say anything! I needed to get out of there…

“Sorry, sucker, I’m taking this cab!”

My sister said I had lost all human decency at that race.

Sin City

Published on by cmglife

Day 1

John was invited to Las Vegas by his daughter, Ashley, who lives in North Dakota. His son in law was in a huge race that weekend. John didn’t see it coming when I said was going too. I am known as a “stick in the mud” among his North Dakota family. Me? Going to Las Vegas and to watch dirt track racing (whatever the hell that was)! I just wanted to get away and do something different.

John began to interrogate me, I was getting a little irritated.

“Are you sure you want to go? It’s going to be really cold during the race.”

“Are you sure you want to go? It’s going to be really dusty during the race.”

“Are you sure you want to go? We’re going to be staying up really late.”

I’m not sure if he was trying to protect me from the cold, dust and lateness or thought I was going to cramp his style. I guess we’ll never know because I went.

This time John made all the travel arrangements. I didn’t know when we were leaving or even what airline we were flying. Turned out we were flying Spirit Airlines. I didn’t care that I had never heard of them until we got onto the plane and looked at the approximately 1 foot between the ripped and worn seats. I am not tall and even my knees barely fit. The passenger next to me sat down and we immediately became very intimate, rubbing knees and shoulders. This passenger turned out to be named Chad, an entrepreneur in ATM machines, custom motorcycles and the owner of his very own pot shop! Fascinating conversation ensued.

We made it to the hotel and got settled in and, of course, went down to the casino to drink and gamble all of our money away.  When I first got there I was stuck to John like glue (social anxiety). He plays black jack and so does Ashley. I don’t have enough confidence or concentration to play. I must have stood there for an hour watching them not being able to venture out among the other gamblers by myself. It’s a good thing I stand all day….an hour was nothing! I ended up making it to 12:30 until I went up to bed. I thought that was pretty good considering what a “stick in the mud” I am.

By the way-I’m going to drag out this Las Vegas story for all its worth,  Day 2 coming soon!

Old Navy Humiliation

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Oh, no! Not another weight issue post! Sorry, but it is so. Today, though, it is justified.

Today I was in Old Navy. I saw a dress that I thought could double as a tunic with leggings. I held it up lengthwise to check the length. It was good on the length but seemed a bit wide so I measured it against my hips and it was fine. I put it over my arm with the other items I had selected.

After fifteen minutes of looking around for Allison I went to the dressing rooms to see if she’d ended up there. I called her name at each door to no avail. The sales girls were very nice and said they would keep an eye out for her as well. I was almost to the point of doing an “ALL CALL” over the inter com. Seconds from having them lock the doors and call 911 she turned up with one of the sales girls. I was so relived, but played it cool. “Oh, there you are”, I said casually.

We walked toward the dressing room through the maternity section, didn’t know they had a maternity section actually. Obviously, because that was where I has selected my tunic. Oh, the humiliation!

Momentary Setback

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What a monumental task it is to get into the groove of your life after a setback. Everyone has different setbacks and I’m sure there are some people who have no setbacks or at least will never admit it to themselves.

My setbacks always seemed to have to do with mood swings which I used to put down to PMS. It is amazing all the things a woman with undiagnosed mental illness can blame on the ebb and flow of normal female hormones.

The recent setback I had was going off Abilify. My doctor thought he might be duplicating the effect of medication because he had just upped the dosages on two of the others I’m taking. We agreed to try it.  I was all gung ho because I wondered if it was the reason for my weight gain.  He didn’t have to ask me twice!

I was fine for the first week except for the withdrawal symptoms, excessive sweating and dizziness. I was asking everyone in the office; is it hot in here or is it me? They were all convinced I was having premenopausal hot flashes.

Luckily, I had asked my doctor the last time I had a bout of depression what were the signs to watch for. I can’t decipher the difference between what I’m feeling and what should be normal. He gave me a simple parameter to follow: If you feel like you don’t want to wake up the next morning it’s time to call me.

This time I was feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, but as usual I wanted to be macho and try to face it. Again, what is me and what is normal? I started taking the Abilify again last Saturday and I am already looking back in amazement. The person I am today, literally today…October 27 and the person I was last week are like night and day.

I am constantly grateful that I am living in this day and age, found the right doctor and have health insurance.   Life is good.

New U2 Album

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New U2 Album

The new U2 Album “Songs of Innocence” was released the week before last. It was free, but I would’ve paid $100 for it. I have been able to listen to about 5 of the songs so far. I’m really too busy to listen to a whole album straight through. I realized more than anything that is the very thing that makes me feel old. Years ago I would get their new music and sit and listen to the whole thing all the way through.  Listen to it even as the sun went down and the room got dark. I would be taken away, moved, energized and feel a little guilty about not being able to save the world.

Stupid* Bad Day

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I’ve heard of these things happening, but until it happens to you it isn’t interesting. My stupid* GPS led me to a field in the middle of nowhere today! I could see a house out there so I thought I was going in the right direction through the brush. Then the “road” ended and I had to four wheel it in my husband’s Jetta to turn around.

Oh, yeah. I had the Jetta because while out last night the  Outback was making a stupid* knocking sound. For weeks the knocking that I had been noticing intermittently realized itself by stalling when trying to shift into first gear. I barely made it home.

I hate John’s Jetta. It has a stupid* gear system. At least once a trip I put it into 3rd instead of 1st and it stalls. I then have to realize it, because I usually have the music up too loud. After realizing it I have to turn the key off and on again (which takes more time than you want when you are coasting through an intersection with 15 cars behind you). Driving home from the field tonight was a little different though. I had a stupid* police car following me from the highway all the way until I almost got to my street. And what do you think happened while I was going through the left turn signal? You are correct! I stalled the stupid* thing!!! Luckily he didn’t seem to notice, but by that time I was in a panic and sweating profusely from my upper lip. It really wasn’t a pleasant day at all.

*We all know what I am really thinking.

The Final Cocktail

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I think this final cocktail of medicine is really working for me. One side effect of being so level is I have nothing to write about anymore. At least not anything from my old point of view. I just wanted to let everyone know to hang in there if you are waiting for more frequent installments from me. As history probably will repeat it’s self I should be writing again next month.

I went to my doctor today and told him I was feeling really good, but as I said that I felt kind of embarrassed. I tell him the same thing every other visit. Last time it was crushing anxiety, then happy and before that terrible depression. He tweaks the drugs and councils as he has been doing for years. I do like him because he trusts me and, therefore, I trust him.

It didn’t used to be that way. For the first few years of being diagnosed with Bipolar II I was very rebellious. I knew I wasn’t happy with my old self but I felt so flat with my new self. After 44 years one does get used to the ups and downs no matter how they destroyed me. I rebelled by screwing around with my medicine and dosages to try to get a little “life” back into my life. I know I didn’t used to drink wine every night like I have been for the past 5 years. I know why I do it. It is to change my feelings. It is a little blast from the past of the old days. I wonder at what point do I start to worry about the wine? My sister says, “Oh for goodness sake, let yourself have one crutch”. She doesn’t worry about it so I won’t.

The next step will be enjoying the new strength I feel when I have to go up to the customer service and exchange something, get gas in the car, etc. I know it sounds crazy. Anxiety is brutal on normal day to day activities.

Saving the Big Bucks at Sephora

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I’ve started to save money to go to England again.  I’ve been trimming all over the place. I stopped getting my nails done. I’m going to try to color my own hair. Cutting back on clothes will be easy because I refuse to go up a size and right now that is where I am.   Shaving off dollars here and there will allow me to get to my goal.

The decision to save has set off a domino effect of expenses.

My soda stream broke! I suppose I can do without it, but why should I have to? I work very hard,  I should be able to enjoy the finer things in life like homemade sparkling water, shouldn’t I?

My laptop crashed, big time. It’s about 4 years old and the screen is being held to the body with mustache patterned duct tape I borrowed from Allison. I tried to turn in on. It said “bleep” and was gone.

Lost my camera. I laid it down at the park and didn’t realize until the other day!

Those are the things I didn’t have any control over. The problem also lies with things I can’t control myself from.

Two weeks ago I was in need of new liquid foundation. I had originally planned to go to Walgreens. That was a step up from Walmart, but I thought I was worth it. So, of course, I ended up at Sephora instead. Emily decided to get her makeup matched by a computer and applied by one of the make up artists. I jumped right in and ended up looking “five” years younger with the new color, so I was told. $98 dollars poorer, we left.

Then here comes Tristan’s girlfriend’s birthday, she is turning 18. I felt like I should get her something. Of course, I pulled up Sephora on my new laptop and found a great fragrance sampler. On the top of the screen it read that if I spend $25 more I can get free shipping. Well, I did really want that mascara that promises to make people think you have false eyelashes. I tried some of Emily’s and it made my lashes look like they had been glued on.  $78 poorer, order confirmed.

Feeling guilty about my purchases I went to the liquor store to get wine.  After perusing and brooding the selection, I ended up punishing myself with a box of Franzia, $13.99.

 

 

 

Fashion Backward

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I have gone astray of fashion since gaining weight. It’s a real shame. It happens to a lot of women, but I didn’t think it would happen to me.

I am hopeless when going shopping for myself. I like the look on the mannequin, but in the dressing room it never works. I usually go back to the old faithful t-shirts and jeans.

I love shopping with my oldest daughter because she will tell it like it is. “Oh, no, Mom” and “No, no, no, Mom” she’ll say when I’m trying on clothes. On the other hand, I ended up with a maxi skirt because of her.

On a recent visit we went to the mall. I tried on a pair of new running shoes to start walking when I got back home. They were very “current”.  I tried on a pair of light grey.

Looking at myself in the mirror I said, “I like them”.

“No, they are too close to your skin tone,” Emily said. She later apologized in between fits of laughter of likening me to a zombie.

I bought a different color running shoe, head bands and a scarf. I was ready to set some trends of my own or at least follow them.

On the morning of going to the airport Emily put my hair in a messy bun. I put on the head band and the scarf over a t-shirt. I looked nice. Allison wanted to know why I was so dressed up.

Unfortunately, I realized another great use for the scarf; crumb catcher. God knows how many people I had encountered with the popcorn I had eaten three hours earlier caught in my fashion forward scarf.

You can’t take me anywhere.

Down Time

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I can’t wait for Thursday; I’m finally going to have some down time. Much deserved I have to say. I’ve been waiting for this week to begin for months now.

My sister, Ellen, is visiting for a few days. She has promised to make cinnamon rolls on Friday morning. We’re going to binge on “Almost Royal” and “Orphan Black “episodes all day.

Yes, it’s finally here! I’ll be able to stay in bed until I’m ready to get up. Ellen said she would tidy the house, cook for me, help me dress and maybe even wash my hair.

Is it weird to be this excited for shoulder surgery?