I may have devoured a rotisserie chicken while driving home, but at least I didn’t stop at Carl Jr’s and ruin my diet plan.
Category: BiPolar II
Good Samaritan or Crazy Person?
Recently, I was minding my own business driving to the library when something caught my eye. Two people were making unnatural movements on the sidewalk along the side of the library. It took a minute for my brain to translate what my eyes were seeing. First, two women fighting. Second, a lot of blood.
I don’t know what other people would’ve done, but after the last realization it all clicked and I stopped the car, almost pulling to the curb. As I got out, the other women ran and got into the passenger side of the truck in front of me and sped off (she must’ve heard of me and my bad ass reputation)!
I got to the bleeding woman and asked her what I could do, not realizing the severity of the situation. She sat down on the grass and said call 911. She didn’t even say it sarcastically or with a condensing tone with which I would have expected from such a stupid question.
I ran back to my car to get my phone and called 911. I ran to the hatchback and grabbed the wipes that had been left by Emily on her last visit.
I applied pressure to the deep gash above her eye. Blood was everywhere, it was pooling on her chest. The 911 dispatcher asked me a lot of questions and I relayed the information between the girl and her. That is how I found out the reason for all the violence. Amanda said the weapon was metal, like a pipe or a wrench. She had broken up with her boyfriend and the new girlfriend had accused her of stealing clothes. Sounds like a solid reason for attempted murder to me.
I continued try to comfort her, telling her the ambulance was on it’s way and then she would be okay. I said we should listen for the sirens (exactly what I was saying to Allison the night of the seizure). She seemed to be breathing strangely. I told her over and over to breath slower and deeper. Every baby wipe I applied to the wound filled right away.
10 minutes and 100 bloody wipes later, I finally heard the sirens.
Revealed, I left her to the EMTs. I picked up the blood soaked wipe and her purse and carried them to the ambulance. Then I had to run back because I realized I had put my phone in her purse.
I didn’t realize how shaken I was until I started to write a statement and my hand wouldn’t stop shaking. I was writing illegible nonsense. I told the police officer I wasn’t making any sense. He was really kind and asked if I just wanted to take it home and he would pick it up. The thought of the police coming to my house and having to prolong this nightmare propelled me into tough mode and I said I would start again, but first let me melt into a pile of tears. It took me a few minutes, I recovered, stopped shaking and wrote down what I had witnessed.
A little bit of reflection…no one stopped to help us in the ten minutes we waited for the ambulance! We couldn’t have been missed! Amanda with blood pouring down her face and me, propping her up with bloody tissues surrounding me on the grass. I really could have used the help.
I was back home telling the story to Allison when I realized something. What if when I jumped out of the car, the woman with the weapon came after me? What if the driver of the car jumped out with a gun and shot me? The list of bodily injuries that could have been delivered on me was massive! It was like the time recently when a woman and her dogs were being attacked by a pit bull in the street. I did the same thing! Stopped my car and jumped out to help. Just what the hell was my plan? Get ripped to shreds along with the dogs and their owner?
If a situation like this happens again, I am going to try to park, STAY IN CAR and dial 911! I may have gotten away with being a good Samaritan this time, but next time I might be a dead person. I hope it doesn’t take me being killed to realize this.
Still Drinking Wine
- bottles behind my dresser’s mirror
I am still drinking wine even though the danger far outweighs the pleasure. The thing is, I don’t see or feel any of the dangers …yet.
I sleep well, get up for work on time and do a good job.
I’ve managed to lose 11 lbs. without giving up wine.
I take seven different prescription medications that do not seem to be affected by it.
I am not showing signs of liver damage.
My skin is not aging prematurely.
I’m not suffering from dementia
Blood pressure is healthy.
I have managed to stay highly productive.
I drink a bottle of wine every night. I actually don’t want to drink until around 7pm. A lot of the time I dread that time of night. I just give in to it. I feel sad, lonely and deprived when I don’t drink. Crazy, right?
I’ve come up with a few ideas about why I like drinking and why I haven’t been able to stop.
I grew up not being in control of anything at school or at home. When I finally reached the age of being able to work etc. I started smoking. It felt good because no one would allow me to smoke and they couldn’t stop me either. Maybe it was the first thing that represented control to me. I ended up being in control, but not really. I wanted to quit, I hated the smell and I felt like a criminal because smoking had started to have a stigma attached. I couldn’t go without it even though I hated it.
Another piece of the puzzle is when I quit smoking, I replaced that with food. For years I over ate, felt sick and ashamed. I didn’t really start gaining weight until after bipolar meds I began taking in my forties. So that had to be dealt with the only way I knew how.
The drinking started because I had been used to such highs and lows my entire life and when I started taking medication for bipolar I felt like a big blob. I didn’t like anything or hate it. I felt as if I had no personality anymore. Drinking wine at least changed that mood enough so I felt a little bit like my old self.
So here we are now, five years later. I’m up to a bottle of wine every night. I do feel in control when I make a stop at the liquor store and get anything I want. I have been working all day, made my money and now I can buy some wine. Just like I could buy cigarettes and go by McDonald’s or eat a pint of ice cream until I was sick.
My therapist says it is crucial to replace the wine and the ritual with something I enjoy just as much. She also said if I am not experiencing any of the bad side effects of the wine, I should quit to see how much better I could be. Could I sleep better, lose more weight, have better skin and feel a difference if the alcohol isn’t interfering with my medication?
I’ll have to go cold turkey. Drinking less doesn’t work. I’m the kind person to eat the whole bar of chocolate instead of “just one square”. People who do that and say they are satisfied are either on drugs or just not of this world.
My plan this time is to stop drinking completely. Replace it with things I want to do, but never have the time because I am in bed drinking and doing work at 7pm. At the beginning of the summer I had five lists of things to do from immediate to whenever. I threw the last four away. I’m going to rewrite those lists and start checking them off one by one, night by night.
And if I fail, I’ll try again.
Going Underground
I have been underground again. I didn’t feel I had anything relevant to say for the last few months. I have a certain criteria* of the things I will post.
My post must be:
- interesting.
- have my unique point of view (I’ve finally put it to some good use).
- have an “END” or a clever phrase to wrap it up (wink).
- true.
- Anonymous. It cannot contain any details that would lead someone to figure out my real self. Literally my name, etc. I know I am either extremely egotistical or completely paranoid that anyone really cares, but nevertheless it is an issue. I have remained incognito my entire life. I think it is one of my “things” that no one except my immediate family knows the real me. The crazy me. The unbalanced me. The totally fucking exhausted keeping up appearances me.
* There has been a flash flood of stories that meet my stringent criteria. Tune in.
One Year Anniversary
An anniversary is coming up. It’s been almost a year since I filed for divorce from John. In some type of modern day miracle he met all of my demands to not go through with it.
I asked him to see a counselor. He did. I wanted a bank card with my name on it instead of always having to ask him for money. It was humiliating. He got one for me. I gave him a pretty lengthy list of behaviors he must change. He has. That’s the miracle!
I also wanted him to go to my therapist with me so she could explain my condition and what I needed from him. He came with me the next appointment. She explained the disorder and how it effects me.
So the question I have left for myself is…. was I wrong? Was he just acting like a narcissist, but not really one? That’s the best answer I have come up with. My mother was one. Maybe I am just extra sensitive. I think it also has a lot to do with age. John had treated me badly pretty much of our whole marriage. I don’t think the same approach would’ve worked with him 10 years ago.
Of course, there are problems. I am still in the habit of withdrawing. When I realize I’m doing that it takes all of my willpower and energy to make sure I reconnect with him. I do love him, I always have. At least now he is making it much easier.
One horrible thought keeps seeping in. What has he been through living with me for 20 years, a mental case? Oh yeah, I am medicated now, but it has taken at least five years to even out my mood. And even then I just suffered two major depressions in less than three months. He has always hung in there. Hanging in there emotionally abusing me, but none the less, stayed. I don’t have an answer.
Seriously Preoccupied
After coming out of my doctor’s appointment, my first question was, “Who re-parked my car?!”
Back on Abilify
Oh the sweet feeling just listening to music. I was doing just this, sampling some music on ITunes that I had heard on the radio.
Then I have to go all “warden” on the dogs and ruin the moment. The two are on some sort of “high alert” and have both sat up and looked at the closed bedroom door.
“Hey, you two can just lie back down, “I say, “Henry! Lie down! Ellie! Lie down!” If I don’t exert a disciplinarian tone they will both start barking. I guess it doesn’t matter, the mood is ruined, but not really.
Oh, I didn’t mention having to go back on the Abilify?
Yes, after being withdrawn from the medication for 26 days I was falling apart. I know a lot of you have have suffered depression. This was not your normal run of the mill depression (I’ve had that too), this was serious “cannot get out of bed and go into work” depression.
I went to my doctor. I was so afraid to suffer more or different side effects from the Abilify again, I asked if he could recommend something else. The alternative was Seroquel. He didn’t give it rave reviews as far I was concerned. I was too scared and confused to make a decision. What should I take, the new one with sedation qualities or back on the Abilify and just persevere through the akathisias and the weight gain?
I called my sister sobbing, barely able to get my words out and she said, “Go home right now and take the Abilify. You have to get on top of this again before you can make any decision”.
So that is what I did. I feel better emotionally. It must have been totally out of my system because I lost 3 lbs without doing anything and the akathisias became less. I’ve been on it again for about two weeks. I’ve gained 2 lbs back and I think the akathisias is coming back.
It’s always a trade off, I realize that. I’m definitely making a trade off with my physical well being for my mental well being. It’s not really a choice when I think about it.
Abilify Side Effects/Withdrawal
Oh, where to begin. I suppose where I left off in August.
I still have my nervous clenching, now in my leg. It’s not a tapping, but a clenching. If I really concentrate I can stop it. The urge is still there, not a pleasant one, a very annoying one like an itch or when you want to pop your elbow or knuckles. I am also having trouble sitting still in general. The only time I get any relief is when I’m asleep and, of course, I can’t enjoy it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about it two months ago when it had been happening for about 6 weeks. He said it could be a side effect of the abilify. He said to see what happened with my psychologist and some relaxation training. Well I never did the relaxation training, I am a non-believer, it’s never worked for me at least.
Fast forward two months later, it’s worse and I am having more trouble controlling it. My doctor has diagnosed it as:
Akathisia – a movement disorder in which there is a feeling of inner restlessness and a strong urge to be constantly moving.
I do swear occasionally. I would love to let loose a tirade right now, but won’t in fear of offending anyone reading.
At my doctor’s backing I went off the abilify slowly. I have been totally off it now for about 5 days. Withdrawal symptoms are a crashing 4 day headache and listless/low grade depression, a little irritability, but not much else.
Since I still have the restlessness and clenching leg I started to research it on line to see if anyone else has this. I found a lot of people with it when taking abilify, some much worse than mine. I could have it in my face or arms. Mine is a little easier to conceal. The thing is that it could be permanent! I am just hoping the drug isn’t totally out of my brain yet.
This leads me to a real disappointment with my cocktail of medications I thought was tweaked to perfection. I’m also feeling a little sorry for myself.
Up to Speed
I’ve been away from my blog for a while. It happens. I’ve been so submerged in Allison and her struggle with anxiety, starting to border on agoraphobia, her medication and also EMDR. She is doing much better by the way, I believe she has finally turned a corner and is on her way to some peace of mind.
I’ve been going to therapy for my anxiety too. The EMDR has been working. It’s like magic. I have to work hard and it is bringing up a lot of stuff I don’t want. I hate to have to admit that some of the things I have thought were being done to me were actually me.
My marriage is getting better. My therapist says everyone has the possibility to change. And it’s been since March 30 that I proposed divorce. I’m feeling more comfortable with the situation. I’m going to be pretty upset if this isn’t real to say the least.
And, of course, if it’s not one thing it’s another. I have somehow developed another nervous habit. Clenching my hands. I clench and unclench all day long. I can control it when I think about it, but I don’t realize I’m doing it until I am doing it. So by then someone has noticed. It’s not that apparent unless you are sitting right next to me or across from me. I talked to my therapist about it and she didn’t really come up with any good ideas how to stop except relaxing, other ways to relieve tension, the usual useless advice for anxiety. I’m going back to work in a week and I don’t feel any closer to getting it under control.
Anxiety Again.
I’m finally giving in to my elevating anxiety. My anxiety is starting to swirl again and I’m losing ground. I’ve decided to go to a psychologist. I’ll see if it is me or my medication needs tweaking again. I may even ask for EMDR to help deal with past trauma and a few phobias that are affecting my everyday life and interfering with my family relationships.
It really sucks to have to do this again. Having to repeat what my present problems are and then having to go over my entire life story. I have said it so many times to so many professionals over the years I’m not sure I will even cry or tear up anymore. That at least is a plus.
I have an image of me bringing my medications in a tote and pouring them out on her table and saying, shouldn’t this be enough? I’m 49 soon and I am exhausted. I know I’m not the only one that has this problem of maintaining mental health with Bipolar II. I don’t know why I keep expecting things to work. Maybe I need to give in to the fact there is never going to be a permanent solution and I will have to work on this forever. Why haven’t I ever realized this before? Probably because I felt so good the those six months last year!
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