Tag: funny

Cooking Day Fiasco

Published on by cmglife4 Comments

Today I began cooking a month’s worth of dinners. I’ve done a couple of weeks worth before, but never this big of an undertaking. I started last night.

Since I had a boat load of veggies to chop I bought a new razor sharp knife.  I was almost finished chopping buckets of onions when I started talking to Tristan.  Yep, you guessed it, I cut myself.

I spent 30 minutes sittinIMG_2033-1g in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

I decided to pack it in for the night and slipped the knife into the soapy water in the sink.  I then forgot said knife was lurking beneath the dirty water.  I put my hand in to find the cutlery on the bottom and cut my other hand!

I spent another 30 minutes sitting in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

Today, with the addition of band-aids on two fingers, I started cooking ingredients I had so diligently prepped the day before.  I looked down at one point and one of the band-aids was missing!!!  I had only made three dishes so I dug through them all.  I couldn’t find it!  I looked on the floor, in the trash and the sink of soapy water (minus the knife this time) to no avail.  I debated what to do…could I get away with it? No, I had to throw the three dishes away.

Finished the cooking and took Allison to an orthodontic appointment.  I had been sitting in the waiting room for ten minutes or so when the reception said to someone, “Do you smell onions?”

Saving the Big Bucks at Sephora

Published on by cmglife

I’ve started to save money to go to England again.  I’ve been trimming all over the place. I stopped getting my nails done. I’m going to try to color my own hair. Cutting back on clothes will be easy because I refuse to go up a size and right now that is where I am.   Shaving off dollars here and there will allow me to get to my goal.

The decision to save has set off a domino effect of expenses.

My soda stream broke! I suppose I can do without it, but why should I have to? I work very hard,  I should be able to enjoy the finer things in life like homemade sparkling water, shouldn’t I?

My laptop crashed, big time. It’s about 4 years old and the screen is being held to the body with mustache patterned duct tape I borrowed from Allison. I tried to turn in on. It said “bleep” and was gone.

Lost my camera. I laid it down at the park and didn’t realize until the other day!

Those are the things I didn’t have any control over. The problem also lies with things I can’t control myself from.

Two weeks ago I was in need of new liquid foundation. I had originally planned to go to Walgreens. That was a step up from Walmart, but I thought I was worth it. So, of course, I ended up at Sephora instead. Emily decided to get her makeup matched by a computer and applied by one of the make up artists. I jumped right in and ended up looking “five” years younger with the new color, so I was told. $98 dollars poorer, we left.

Then here comes Tristan’s girlfriend’s birthday, she is turning 18. I felt like I should get her something. Of course, I pulled up Sephora on my new laptop and found a great fragrance sampler. On the top of the screen it read that if I spend $25 more I can get free shipping. Well, I did really want that mascara that promises to make people think you have false eyelashes. I tried some of Emily’s and it made my lashes look like they had been glued on.  $78 poorer, order confirmed.

Feeling guilty about my purchases I went to the liquor store to get wine.  After perusing and brooding the selection, I ended up punishing myself with a box of Franzia, $13.99.

 

 

 

Tiny Brush

Published on by cmglife

My hair is getting too long. I’ve never had it long before so I thought I would go for it and just let it grow. Well, now it is to the middle of my back. Not only is it getting a little stringy on a good day, when I do curl it I look a little like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz. Remember when they go to Oz for the makeovers?

Today after I got out of the shower I towel dried my hair and then looked for my brush. My brush was missing…again. This is the phenomenon that happens to mothers when their girls reach the age of primping. Common missing items are tweezers, razors, shampoo, makeup and, of course, brushes.

This is the brush I ended up using. I found it by digging around in the bottom of the bathroom drawer.

tinybrush

I don’t know if it is obvious from this photo, but my toothbrush is longer than this tiny compact “purse” brush.

“Pathetic”, I say.

Full Circle

Published on by cmglife

I was going to write about my juice fast I’ve been on for four days. I say, I was, until I realized how I must be boring everyone with diet after diet.

I thought I’d write about my son, 18, who just graduated and has overnight turned into a horrible version of himself. More of the same, dull.

How about my bipolar II condition? Then I thought, do I capitalize the “b” in bipolar and do I use roman numerals for the “II” or the numeral “2”.

Obviously, sidetracked I started to write about my love of Adam Lambert and U2 (do you know I met Bono) (yes, yes, I did!).  Adam’s next (dare to dream)!

I wrote about the silly predicaments I get myself into. For instance, I kept biting the inside of my lip every time I cheated and ate on the four day juice fast (Karma I think). It’s going to take at least four days to heal!

See, somehow I have written about all the same boring things, but I have come full circle. That makes me feel better, you know, finishing things.

Here We Go Again

Published on by cmglife

Oh, here we go again. I’m about to embark on another diet and exercise regimen. All in an effort to get rid of the weight that I hate to admit has been put on and is nearly impossible to get off because of my age.

I was at a party the other night when someone said they didn’t think I had a reason to worry about my weight.

“But, I’ve never been this weight” I said.

There was such an outburst of laughter and statements like “well neither have I” from six or seven women my age. I felt a little naïve.

Naïve or stubborn, I am not giving in.

My new plan is The Fast Diet. I start June 1. That will be my first fast of 500 calories day, two days a week. In between that you are supposed to eat normally (don’t know what that means anymore).

Tristan suggested cardio. Easy for him to say, at 18 he does a 9 mile hike on a whim after working all day or going to school.

For cardio I have decided to use my tread climber which I have used intermittently in the last few years. Second only to the “nine circles of hell of sweating” is the “abyss of boredom”.

The last time I used the machine I had a plan. I bought the audio book of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I thought it might keep me interested enough to stay on the machine and burn some calories. Hey! Don’t judge! I was curious, there used to be a lot of hype around those books. I listened to it for a while and then got too embarrassed in front of myself to continue. It was more mortifying when I plugged our iPad into my computer to charge it and then later realized the book had synced with my iTunes account.

Note to self: Delete “Fifty Shades of Grey” off the family iPad.

Standing Up-Date

Published on by cmglife

I know everyone has been wondering from a post a few weeks ago about my new stand up desk and how it has changed my life.

I suppose it has in a way. I now stand all day.

I’m still getting the occasional question asking how I’m getting along with it. As annoying as my “co-worker” is I know my answers repeated over and over again are getting to her (good).

“I really like it.”

“Don’t notice I’m standing.”

“Good for my back.”

“My neck doesn’t bother me anymore.”

While that is all true, it still hasn’t done what I got it for. After researching it thoroughly I found one can burn 70 – 90 calories per hour while standing.  It still hasn’t put a dent in my weight. Now I wouldn’t go back to sitting again, but how disappointing!

Bottom line, I’m no thinner, but I would certainly recommend a stand up desk anyway, it makes me look taller.

Cool Assurance

Published on by cmglife

I was driving 20 mpg  in a school zone outside of the local high school . Two girls, without looking, just walked into the street and in front of my car.

Braking, I said out loud, “Now that takes confidence!”

At first I was annoyed at the arrogance, but the more I thought it turned into envy.  I would love to have that kind of confidence  to walk across the road without feeling I may be flattened by the first car that the driver’s eyes were off the road reaching into their purse for a chapstick.

Living Between Bono References

Published on by cmglife

I began to delete my old text messages because I still have all of them since purchasing my phone in 2012. Does everyone do that? Keep their text messages forever?

My daughter, Emily, sent me a few photos and a text message from an Obama Rally she was attending in 2012.

A conversation ensued:

            Me:  I can’t believe how close you got.  Too bad it wasn’t Bono.

            Emily: I know I kept thinking that! They played a lot of U2 at the rally.

            Me: Do you know that Bono is in the iPhone’s spell checker?

            Emily: Yes, just realized that and it’s awesome! I think he deserves it.

            Me: Thanks for putting up with me and all of my Bono references so enthusiastically.

This is pretty much the way I live my life, between Bono references.

Average Day

Published on by cmglife

Pretty average day today.

My new “Four Day Diet” book arrived in the mail. I started to read it, then skimmed through the fluff and got right down to the diet menus. I was typing out a shopping list, but couldn’t read the computer with my reading glasses on and couldn’t read the book without the readers! Tried to wear them halfway down my nose, but then I couldn’t breath. Taking them on and off again was pulling my hair. It took me at least half an hour longer to do this task than it should have (similar to telling this story).

Allison is sick today so I kept her company by watching “Pretty Little Liars” with her. Not that watching it wasn’t bad enough, she kept pausing the show every few minutes to explain the characters and plot to me.

Went to the grocery store and put three yogurts into a strange man’s basket even though he was saying, “Excuse, me. Excuse, me!”

I finally looked up and saw it was not my husband after all, just a doppelganger (bet you don’t know the last time you’ve used that term).

Got home, unloaded the car and dropped a jar of Ragu in the driveway.

Yeah, that’s about it.