Category: BiPolar II

The Accidental Kindness of Strangers

Published on by cmglife

Yesterday I backed into a car while attempting to get into a parking space.

I got out of my car and we looked at the damage. I had dented and cracked his bike rack. No damage to mine. The man wasn’t very nice and actually said, “You’re not going to skip out on this are you?” He stated this in several different ways several times. The nerve!

Side Note: I did not have a terrible reaction the way I used to when I did something wrong. My eyes only filled with tears and lips quivered. Almost, but not quite, my face began to crumple into “oh god I’m going to cry” phase. Honestly I’m not ashamed of any of that. I think that would be a normal reaction to an unpleasant situation.

While standing there trying to keep my calm, I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was the director of the event I was working. He asked if I was alright. He had such a genuine look of concern, a few more tears leaked out. He asked if I needed to go home he would understand. I said I would be alright and he gave me a hug.

On my way into the event someone else approached me to ask how I was and she gave me a hug.

Half way through the event a volunteer checked in to see if I needed anything and I got another hug.

When the event was over the director came by again and I thanked him . I said I couldn’t believe how kind everyone was and how much it meant to me that I wasn’t standing there in the middle of the street alone.

This maybe a bit dramatic, but it was human nature, as it could be and was that in that moment.

This accident was no accident. The more I think about it, to experience kindness and worth as a human being, well, was worth the deductible.

When can we get in on this PRIDE thing?

Published on by cmglife

Today, on the last day of PRIDE month, it dawned on me….how do I (and other mental illness sufferers) get a PRIDE thing of our own? I want to feel safe to come out too.

I spent an hour writing four paragraphs of how we can’t come out and then I deleted them. What I had written is not necessary because we know the truth of having to live with a mood disorder. The constant spread of misinformation in this society keeps us scared and hidden.

I think our word would have to be different entirely, because I do not feel proud. I don’t know how I could. It would be like feeling proud living with diabetes or heart disease. Both, by the way, have a huge impact on health, but no stigma.

Here is what I came up with:

RESILIENCE Month – boring

BRAVE Month – boring

GRIT Month – I like this one, but it’s got a “mechanic feel” that doesn’t feel right.

COMPASSION Month – Could refer to anything.

I needed help coming up with more words for our very own PRIDE month so, of course, I searched Google hoping that maybe AI could come up with something better.

This one sentence below says more than I could have said in a thousand paragraphs .

hi·a·tus

Published on by cmglife

A pause or gap in a sequence, series, or process.

I don’t want to write about my relationship with my oldest daughter again. Let’s just say that after 8 years it is the same. I see my two grandchildren about a couple of times a year.

It’s taken me three or four of the 5 years to make peace with it. It’s been tenacity, therapy, good friends, my son and ketamine that has enabled me to live with it.

Now my other daughter, the youngest, has caused me more stress and heart ache, because it has gone on for most of her life.

I can actually admit now that I have been emotionally abused by her. She is not a narcissist like my ex husband and my mother. I think she has borderline personality disorder. Since she is my child I hung in there through it all while dragging her to every kind of professional under the sun because she was clearly unhappy (which is what I thought).

Last year she began texting me and wanted to get together. I hadn’t heard from her in a year, not from lack of trying on my part. It was wonderful! It’s like this person was behaving in a way I had never experienced with her. She would come over for dinner about once a month and we watched Sherlock and Vampire movies…not sure how we got on that one, but it was fun and I could finally love her in a real way.

I’m not completely delusional. I was puzzled by this new and improved child. Maybe I was pushing away the probably end to it with screaming, yelling and unfounded accusations from her. I was a bit tentative giving too much of myself emotionally to the situation, but it was so lovely while it lasted.

First she cancelled Christmas with us. I hid how disappointed I really was “walking on eggshells” kind of thing. We had never spent Christmas apart. Fast forward to early May, that was the last time I saw her. I did get a “I’m fine” text in late July when I asked her if I should file a missing persons report. I texted her on and off since then. The usual things. Memes, videos of the cats, silly stories, etc.

Last Sunday I called my son to see if he had heard from her. He said no. A couple of hours later I got a text from him saying “I’m Alive”. So he had texted her, I don’t know the extent of the conversation, but I know he doesn’t have patience for the way she treats us.

Another hour went by and I got a text from her “I’ve blocked you”.

This caused a familiar reaction. I had been blocked by my sister and my oldest daughter during the hardest time of my life when I divorced my husband. The reaction was that horrible pain in my chest followed by uncontrollable sobbing. This time though I got myself together within minutes instead of 30 which it usually takes.

I rummaged around in my head to figure out how I was feeling. This was new. How did I feel? I went to bed. The next morning rummaged some more trying to pinpoint this strange non-reaction.

Before I left for work I wrote on the back of an envelope “this could be a good thing because now I don’t have to worry about her and take all the abuse”.

By the time I got to work I felt so strong and relived about another rejection from another daughter. Finally I could say “NO” to this, That feeling lasted all day.

I saw my therapist that afternoon and she could see the difference in my reaction. She has always given me advice that makes me feel either real with the way I process things or gives me clues as to how I can see it differently. She was really positive and then she slipped in something like “While you are taking this hiatus from her it will be good to….” can’t remember the rest.

I was disappointed that she had said “while”. Just her saying it broke that wall down a little bit knowing that it is just a matter of time that I won’t be able to keep up this persona. It’s not me, I’m her mother.

I’m not thinking about it now though. I figure if she needs anything she can go to her brother, sister or dad. I’m checked out for now. I may just block her. That would feel so good until I unblock her 10 minutes later.

Revised definition: hi·a·tus: A pause or gap of emotional reactions to my estranged daughters.

The Answer to Everything

Published on by cmglife

No matter what I’ve had wrong with me: depression, Bipolar 2, Reynaud’s disease, hypothyroidism, double vision, wanting to lose a few pounds, etc. It’s always comes back to the cure of a healthy diet, healthy weight, no alcohol, mindfulness, meditation, sleep, stay hydrated and the dreaded exercise. All of these things I hear over and over again. I read it, am told it, discuss it and never have been able to live it.

Let’s break it down.

Healthy diet.

I have a strange relationship with food. My mother had an eating disorder, maybe because she grew up in England during WWII rations. I have tons of food stories, but basically my sister and I were often even hungry or couldn’t eat what she had cooked.

I tried the glorified Mediterranean diet, Atkins, Keto, Paleo and intermittent fasting (turns out this is the only one I can stick to).

Staying Hydrated

I’ve often wondered what our ancestors did when wandering out on the plains looking for food without a liter of purified water in their steel water bottle to stay hydrated with the calculation of a liter per day per pound or whatever the calculation is. They say when you are thirsty you are actually dehydrated, what? I’m not a doctor, but I am a human being having lived a lot of years, and none of this has ever rung true for me.

Healthy Weight/Exercise

This one is the trickiest because it involves all three. Exercise to achieve a healthy weight and mind.

For me personally these have seemed to be insurmountable, actually not seemed, I’ve never been able to combine them for a healthier me, physically and mentally. I get the advice from doctors about the exercise. I have even put the exercise equipment and even the workout clothes right there in front of the TV and I either forget because I don’t notice (ADD), get home to late or up too late or the other third I just don’t want to.

I would love to walk. I have a nice neighborhood, no kids at home so I should be able to put on my tennis shoes and take off anytime. According to the experts walking is the best exercise. That sounds great in theory for other people, but for me I have anxiety that I haven’t’ been able to overcome. Several things have happened to me walking alone and I have finally stopped beating myself up about not walking. My god, I have enough things I am doing successfully, walking is really on the bottom of my list of overcoming another PTSD moment.

Meditation

I don’t know about you, but this one is just too hard for me to stop and relax. I’ve meditated before and I liked it. I liked the man guiding me through the session. But after a while I realized it wasn’t helping me with the pile of things it was supposed to help. Plus it is almost impossible for me to stop and not do anything for 30 minutes

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is too much work. In my mind it’s a racket and just another form of “self care” which takes more time and effort that actually taking care of myself. I take of myself in my own way thank you and it does not include candles and turning off my electronics.

Sleep and Alcohol

I do agree with these on a personal basis. Sleep is paramount. I only suffer from a few sleepless nights every once and a while, there is usually a reason. Stress, forgetting to take meds rolling eye emoji again or ruminating. Sleep is something that I depend on for my physical and mental health and I am lucky to not have a problem. I’m sure I would be in a different place if I did have trouble.

Alcohol only in moderation most of the time. I was dependent on alcohol for many reasons. I’ve endured a lot in my life, but being able to actually conquer drinking was hard. Actually I think quitting smoking might have been harder.

The things I’ve listed above are all things that we’ve all been led to believe are the miracle cure for everything we are suffering with. It sounds so simple and reliable but it’s not. I have managed to see results with sleep and cutting out the bottle of wine a night. They were hard, but the results were practically immediate. Not having immediate satisfaction is really the problem.

My Dirty Kitchen

Published on by cmglife

This morning while coming downstairs I tripped on the carpet and almost fell. I looked down at the bottom of the stairs and first I thought of many things that I could’ve happened to my body. Second, I thought what are the people that find me going to think of my dirty kitchen?

Last Friday I had bought all the ingredients I needed for three meals to put in the freezer. I had worked on Friday in 98 degrees for two hours. I think I suffered a little bit of heat exhaustion and so when I worked again on Saturday, I was too wiped out to cook.

So yesterday it had to be done before the veg began to wilt and the meat started to get that weird brown tinge to it. I had three recipes, meatloaf, taco salad and beef and broccoli stir fry. Accepting I am not a great cook, I follow recipes very slowly.

I have a small kitchen so I really have to be careful about knocking things over, etc. I pulled out the corn and the tray broke spilling ears of corn all over the floor. I caught something on a bowl with two eggs waiting to be whipped and it ended up in the sink. I burned my arm a little bit from pulling out the meatloaf even though I had spent money on a very big silicone oven mitt. Which now that I think of it, doesn’t help that much if I only have one.

The taco salad meat I realized after I put one together to eat hadn’t called for taco seasoning so it was just a salad with hamburger meat (that sounds really gross). The “Best Meatloaf Ever” according to a cooking website ended up also bland and dry, the best COMBINA nation for a 1 pound lump of hamburger meat. Oh, that’s right I forgot. I bought the wrong diced toms for the recipe because there were only about 10 different combinations. Diced petite, no salt, garlic, fire roasted, on and on and Italian. The last one is the one I bought in error. I had to rinse over and over again to get all the spices out, I think it was oregano and something else.

I didn’t have the mental stamina to try the broccoli and beef. Probably never will.

I was frustrated and disappointed so I left the kitchen in a disastrous state and went to bed.

The first thing I did when I got home from work today was clean the kitchen, of course. It’s a good feeling to know I am now free and clear to fall down the stairs with no embarrassment.

Dating?

Published on by cmglife

I haven’t seriously considered dating since my divorce, 7 years ago.

Being single to me means I am not with a man on purpose.

Some of my main reasons to remain single are:

Being unable to identify early warning red flags that he may be a narcistic evil villain until it is too late.

I was 23 the last time I was single. I had a 23-year-old body and 23 -year- old skin.

And I have a lot of baggage. God, do I carry a lot of baggage.  I am proud to be handling it so well now days, but for some reason I don’t think I should be writing it all in my dating profile.

I’m probably out of touch with online dating.  One of my coworkers mentioned to me today that she had met someone, and I asked how.  She met him on Tinger or Tinter or something that sounded like that.

I can take a dirty fork out of the dishwasher because I’m guaranteed I was the only one who had used it.

Small things can be big things now.

My Cats Have Driven Me Crazier!

Published on by cmglife

About a year after my divorce, I had another revelation. It was ” I can get a cat! ” My entire marriage my ex-husband mentioned, at every turn, that he hated cats. So when I had the idea of owning a cat it was another scale of shame and unhappiness falling away from my battered self esteem.

So off I went to Petsmart to pick out a shelter kitten.  The first cage I went by I saw a lovely gray and white one. The lady pointed out she had a heart shaped marking on her leg.  She then pointed out that her brother was with her too.  Looking back I believe she deployed used sales person techniques to pull on my heartstrings. My children were grown and I didn’t have anyone to nurture anymore.  I took both of them.

On the way home the female was lovely, sleeping in the container and the male escaped, went under my seat and had diarrhea.  They both were being treated for worms because they had been rescued from a Motel 8 or 6 or something like that, but the male also had parasites. 

I thought I would be safe not having a crazy cat, but I wasn’t, damn, he was here, Zemi.  I hate “cutesy” names like when people name all of there 6 children beginning with J’s (psychotic) Jennifer, Justin, Julie, you get the picture.  I tried really hard to not do that with these two kittens, but couldn’t.  They are Zemi and Zoe (insert rolling eyes emoji” again.

I remember one morning leaving my house and it struck me.  I’m going to have these cats for 15 years!

Oh, it’s not over…more to come about these two felines in following posts.

Has anyone asked exactly what “Crazy Cat Lady” can often mean? Ask no more…they are the crazy ones!

Making Sound Mistakes

Published on by cmglife

I made a decision about 3 years ago that my delicate brain and all it had to do every day to merely stay alive, work, manage a business, go outside and talk to people would not be helped by watching the news.

One day came along recently where I decided it was my duty as a human in this world to find out what was going on. I don’t know why I feel the need to cause myself more stress and upset to do things that have a detrimental affect on my delicate emotional state.

As an example, a few months ago I decided that I was going to force myself to eat in the lounge with the other staff at work. I didn’t feel confused at all as to my motivation at the time. With my past history of making “sound mistakes” why would I question it now? This is where the eye rolling emoji would come in handy, it is my go to. My reasoning was, as an introvert, maybe it would be good for me to mingle and talk. I know all of the people after all. I steeled myself, went in and sat at the last chair of the long table. I observed and listened to the people talking. I tried to put my two cents in a couple of times, because I thought I had to. What ended up happening was me feeling even worse about myself than before I made that decision in the first place.

I told my therapist how proud I was that I tried and how terrible I felt when it had failed. She said “Why did you do it? You know you don’t like that sort of thing .” I wish I could have her in my pocket ready to tell me how to react to everything I do or say or anybody that says anything to me. I don’t have to “conquer” situations I’ve arbitrarily decided to conquer. It’s been awhile since I tried that experiment, for lack of a better word, and I actually feel more confident in myself and who I am. So even though the reason for it was confusing and convoluted (which is on brand for me) it did teach me something. I don’t like those sorts of things and there is nothing wrong with that.

Before that “teaching moment”, I need my favorite emoji again, I did look at the news for the first time in 3 years. The first story was the fire that demolished entire neighborhoods in Boulder, CO. Quite recently I thought it was my duty to look again. The story that time was a female mayor of a town in Mexico was gunned down by the cartel after the election. Today, this was actually by accident, but I could have changed the channel. Donald Trump is running for President. Okay, I did hear some things about him being on trial. I felt I probably really did need to know more about that situation, but I did not expect his running for president. I’ll ask my sister to tell me all about that so I don’t have to fall into some other news that I shouldn’t be aware of.

So in closing, I’m going back to only knowing the news if I overhear it by accident. I thought it was smart to do it, but ended up feeling ashamed. That is wrong thinking. I need to protect myself in everyway I can. There is a lot riding on me.

Resting Bitch Face

Published on by cmglife

I have the (oh so popular) “resting bitch face”, but I am really not one. I describe my cat as a lovable Labrador (he’s a cat that’s why it’s funny). This is his version, resting serial killer face.

Deconstructed Birthday Cake

Published on by cmglife

So here’s the deal. I have a lot of talents, cooking and baking is not one of them. Every time I try anything different, 50% of the time it doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.

The reason for this particular post and the reason I’m actually including my first video ever is because not only was it a total catastrophic fail, but extremely funny, at least I thought so!

I made a cake for my son, a delicious looking lemon one I found online. I read the recipe and I decided I could do it.

That afternoon, I came out with it, birthday candles lit, we sang and I put the cake in the middle of the table.

I explained the reasons it looked so good. I had buttered the pans. Used parchment paper. Froze both layers so I could frost them without getting crumbs in the frosting. I was so proud of myself!

My son cut the cake with some trouble, and handed out the slices.

I started to eat my slice commenting I didn’t realize it was so dense (I had trouble getting my fork through it) Then I saw it, parchment paper! I had forgotten to remove the parchment paper from the layers. Not only that, I had actually frosted over the paper in each layer!

There’s nothing more to say.