Tag: funny

Lost in Lambert

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

The day had finally arrived!  The Adam Lambert concert was finally here!

The concert was downtown, an added, but not insurmountable challenge.  I took the extra precaution of reading their website about parking.  They had their own parking garage on the block next to them. They were making this really easy.  I have managed to get my “parknaphobia” under control for the most part, but just in case I entered the address of their parking lot into my map app.

My well-orchestrated plan when off without a hitch except until we got lost looking for the theater. By the way, using your map app does not work when walking.  All it did was confuse me more. After wandering around for 10 minutes I asked a couple for directions.  We still arrived there with plenty of time to spare.

The show was amazing!  Adam’s voice was just as good in concert as on his recordings.  The lights, music and sound were great!  We loved every minute of it.

I’m not a demonstrative person by any stretch of the imagination, but I did stand, clap and sway a bit during the concert. I even yelled a few “wa hoos”.   My outside appearance didn’t give away the excitement and utter joy I was experiencing.

I had expected old ladies and young teenagers to be the only ones there.  I was surprised by the mix of couples, children, teenagers, young women and there were some gay men.

A very enthusiastic, dressed to the nines 65+ sat next to me.  She danced through each song like it was his last (or hers).  At one point she nudged me with her shoulder and asked, “Are you a Glambert?”

“Uhhh, I don’t think so,” I said. I do know what the term is, but I’ve never been comfortable being one.  Most of my family just loves to rub it in though.

It was about 11pm when the concert ended.  Leaving the theater we followed the throng of concert goers headed toward the parking garage.

When we got there nothing looked familiar.  The colors were all wrong and the building didn’t have the numbers “410” on the outside of the building. After feeling like I was losing my mind for a moment I figured it out I must have driven into wrong garage thinking it was the theater’s garage!  The problem? I didn’t know where my car was because the only address I had was the theater’s garage.

We started walking confidently looking for our garage. We were in such a good mood from the show that we were even joking about what a good story this would make.  I mean how many garages could there be in this area? We were being naive about the severity of our situation.

While setting out on our quest, were realized that we couldn’t retrace our steps because as I wrote in the beginning, we got lost on the way to the theater!

We walked around and around downtown in the dark of midnight looking for the #$%*! garage with the “410” on it’s wall.  As if you couldn’t tell, I am terrible at navigation.  Not just regular “I’m not good with directions” kind of terrible,  I have been known to turn down the wrong street driving home.

Slowly our dire situation began to unveil itself!  I am a woman, you know that, and I had my very beautiful 13 year old daughter with me.  I felt a little vulnerable. Some of the blocks we went down were dark and having to cross to the other side to avoid homeless men sleeping on the sidewalks was really making me afraid for our safety.

Allison kept telling me she recognized some things from our walk to the theater.  Instead of letting her guide me I kept saying things like “let’s just take a look around this corner” and “no, I’m sure that’s not right”.

After 45 minutes or so of this I was beginning to worry.  My only hope was to find policeman.  They would know what to do.  Instead I found an angel disguised as a bicycle rickshaw operator.  As a side note, he looked like Robert Plant.

With great reluctance I explained our dilemma. Strangely, his face lit up and he said he loved a good challenge!  He offered to drive us around the area looking for the garage.  As Allison and I climbed into the seats I glanced across the street.  There it was on the wall ….the numbers “410”. I honestly could’ve kissed our angel /Robert Plant impersonator!  I gave him a tip and he waited until we drove out of the garage before he rode off.  What a great person. He really made an impression on me.

There is a silver lining to this story.  Allison and I never once gave up, panicked, cried or argued.  We just kept on going.  I also must give credit to Allison.  Almost from the start she recognized businesses and landmarks.  I think if I hadn’t found the rickshaw driver first we would’ve ran into it ourselves because of Allison.  That was a good lesson for me, I need to trust her more now.

It was 12pm when we finally got to the car.  I hugged Allison and drove home.

When I retold this story to family and friends, my family wasn’t particularly surprised. In fact I think it was Tristan who said,” So just another day for you?”

Seriously Preoccupied

Published on by cmglife

car

After coming out of my doctor’s appointment, my first question was, “Who re-parked my car?!”

Cooking Day Fiasco

Published on by cmglife4 Comments

Today I began cooking a month’s worth of dinners. I’ve done a couple of weeks worth before, but never this big of an undertaking. I started last night.

Since I had a boat load of veggies to chop I bought a new razor sharp knife.  I was almost finished chopping buckets of onions when I started talking to Tristan.  Yep, you guessed it, I cut myself.

I spent 30 minutes sittinIMG_2033-1g in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

I decided to pack it in for the night and slipped the knife into the soapy water in the sink.  I then forgot said knife was lurking beneath the dirty water.  I put my hand in to find the cutlery on the bottom and cut my other hand!

I spent another 30 minutes sitting in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

Today, with the addition of band-aids on two fingers, I started cooking ingredients I had so diligently prepped the day before.  I looked down at one point and one of the band-aids was missing!!!  I had only made three dishes so I dug through them all.  I couldn’t find it!  I looked on the floor, in the trash and the sink of soapy water (minus the knife this time) to no avail.  I debated what to do…could I get away with it? No, I had to throw the three dishes away.

Finished the cooking and took Allison to an orthodontic appointment.  I had been sitting in the waiting room for ten minutes or so when the reception said to someone, “Do you smell onions?”

Saving the Big Bucks at Sephora

Published on by cmglife

I’ve started to save money to go to England again.  I’ve been trimming all over the place. I stopped getting my nails done. I’m going to try to color my own hair. Cutting back on clothes will be easy because I refuse to go up a size and right now that is where I am.   Shaving off dollars here and there will allow me to get to my goal.

The decision to save has set off a domino effect of expenses.

My soda stream broke! I suppose I can do without it, but why should I have to? I work very hard,  I should be able to enjoy the finer things in life like homemade sparkling water, shouldn’t I?

My laptop crashed, big time. It’s about 4 years old and the screen is being held to the body with mustache patterned duct tape I borrowed from Allison. I tried to turn in on. It said “bleep” and was gone.

Lost my camera. I laid it down at the park and didn’t realize until the other day!

Those are the things I didn’t have any control over. The problem also lies with things I can’t control myself from.

Two weeks ago I was in need of new liquid foundation. I had originally planned to go to Walgreens. That was a step up from Walmart, but I thought I was worth it. So, of course, I ended up at Sephora instead. Emily decided to get her makeup matched by a computer and applied by one of the make up artists. I jumped right in and ended up looking “five” years younger with the new color, so I was told. $98 dollars poorer, we left.

Then here comes Tristan’s girlfriend’s birthday, she is turning 18. I felt like I should get her something. Of course, I pulled up Sephora on my new laptop and found a great fragrance sampler. On the top of the screen it read that if I spend $25 more I can get free shipping. Well, I did really want that mascara that promises to make people think you have false eyelashes. I tried some of Emily’s and it made my lashes look like they had been glued on.  $78 poorer, order confirmed.

Feeling guilty about my purchases I went to the liquor store to get wine.  After perusing and brooding the selection, I ended up punishing myself with a box of Franzia, $13.99.

 

 

 

Tiny Brush

Published on by cmglife

My hair is getting too long. I’ve never had it long before so I thought I would go for it and just let it grow. Well, now it is to the middle of my back. Not only is it getting a little stringy on a good day, when I do curl it I look a little like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz. Remember when they go to Oz for the makeovers?

Today after I got out of the shower I towel dried my hair and then looked for my brush. My brush was missing…again. This is the phenomenon that happens to mothers when their girls reach the age of primping. Common missing items are tweezers, razors, shampoo, makeup and, of course, brushes.

This is the brush I ended up using. I found it by digging around in the bottom of the bathroom drawer.

tinybrush

I don’t know if it is obvious from this photo, but my toothbrush is longer than this tiny compact “purse” brush.

“Pathetic”, I say.

Full Circle

Published on by cmglife

I was going to write about my juice fast I’ve been on for four days. I say, I was, until I realized how I must be boring everyone with diet after diet.

I thought I’d write about my son, 18, who just graduated and has overnight turned into a horrible version of himself. More of the same, dull.

How about my bipolar II condition? Then I thought, do I capitalize the “b” in bipolar and do I use roman numerals for the “II” or the numeral “2”.

Obviously, sidetracked I started to write about my love of Adam Lambert and U2 (do you know I met Bono) (yes, yes, I did!).  Adam’s next (dare to dream)!

I wrote about the silly predicaments I get myself into. For instance, I kept biting the inside of my lip every time I cheated and ate on the four day juice fast (Karma I think). It’s going to take at least four days to heal!

See, somehow I have written about all the same boring things, but I have come full circle. That makes me feel better, you know, finishing things.

Here We Go Again

Published on by cmglife

Oh, here we go again. I’m about to embark on another diet and exercise regimen. All in an effort to get rid of the weight that I hate to admit has been put on and is nearly impossible to get off because of my age.

I was at a party the other night when someone said they didn’t think I had a reason to worry about my weight.

“But, I’ve never been this weight” I said.

There was such an outburst of laughter and statements like “well neither have I” from six or seven women my age. I felt a little naïve.

Naïve or stubborn, I am not giving in.

My new plan is The Fast Diet. I start June 1. That will be my first fast of 500 calories day, two days a week. In between that you are supposed to eat normally (don’t know what that means anymore).

Tristan suggested cardio. Easy for him to say, at 18 he does a 9 mile hike on a whim after working all day or going to school.

For cardio I have decided to use my tread climber which I have used intermittently in the last few years. Second only to the “nine circles of hell of sweating” is the “abyss of boredom”.

The last time I used the machine I had a plan. I bought the audio book of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I thought it might keep me interested enough to stay on the machine and burn some calories. Hey! Don’t judge! I was curious, there used to be a lot of hype around those books. I listened to it for a while and then got too embarrassed in front of myself to continue. It was more mortifying when I plugged our iPad into my computer to charge it and then later realized the book had synced with my iTunes account.

Note to self: Delete “Fifty Shades of Grey” off the family iPad.

Standing Up-Date

Published on by cmglife

I know everyone has been wondering from a post a few weeks ago about my new stand up desk and how it has changed my life.

I suppose it has in a way. I now stand all day.

I’m still getting the occasional question asking how I’m getting along with it. As annoying as my “co-worker” is I know my answers repeated over and over again are getting to her (good).

“I really like it.”

“Don’t notice I’m standing.”

“Good for my back.”

“My neck doesn’t bother me anymore.”

While that is all true, it still hasn’t done what I got it for. After researching it thoroughly I found one can burn 70 – 90 calories per hour while standing.  It still hasn’t put a dent in my weight. Now I wouldn’t go back to sitting again, but how disappointing!

Bottom line, I’m no thinner, but I would certainly recommend a stand up desk anyway, it makes me look taller.

Cool Assurance

Published on by cmglife

I was driving 20 mpg  in a school zone outside of the local high school . Two girls, without looking, just walked into the street and in front of my car.

Braking, I said out loud, “Now that takes confidence!”

At first I was annoyed at the arrogance, but the more I thought it turned into envy.  I would love to have that kind of confidence  to walk across the road without feeling I may be flattened by the first car that the driver’s eyes were off the road reaching into their purse for a chapstick.