Narcissist Until the End

I have been trying to leave John on and off for about the 27 years we’ve been together.  It has been an unhealthy codependent relationship since I was 23.  He loves me, he hates me, he loves me again.  He’s nice, he’s mean, he’s nice to me again.  It was constant cycle.  And then throw in my Bipolar II four-day cycle, what a nightmare it was to live like that.

Wednesday the day I have been trying for arrived.  I am officially divorced from John!

At first I was elated and bouncing around at the news because I had needed the signed decree to close on a condo I am buying.  I was cutting it really close, the closing is this Tuesday.  That’s all I had been concentrating on for 3 weeks

“That means we are divorced,” I said, “we’ve been together for 27 years and now it’s over.” Without wanting to I began to get a bit misty.

“Do you want a hug?” he asked.

“You wouldn’t give me a hug when my mom died and now you want to give me one, “I asked, “it’s too late for that.”

My tears dried before they hit my cheeks.  Thank you, John, for reminding me so quickly and so clearly why I didn’t give in this time.

 

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That Was Then….

That was then, this is now.

Stinging Tears   Crushed  Love to Hatred Turned  Another Horrible Crazy Christmas

It’s been a hard road, 27 years.

I made it through and out the other end, battered and bruised, but out.

Tonight I feel calm, peace, happiness, relief and maybe a little joy.

To be continued…….

Another Horrible Crazy Christmas

This morning I woke up from the worst day of my life during the worst time of my life.  The bright side is that now it cannot get any worse.

On Christmas Eve, my narcissist, soon to be ex-husband pulled out all the classic narcissistic crazy stops.  We had an argument and this time he locked himself in the bathroom pretending to call the police telling them he was afraid of me and didn’t know what I was going to do to him.

The situation was so ridiculous I couldn’t help but see the humor in it. It didn’t help defuse the situation when every time he opened the door I said, “Boo!”

He left the house with a bag of clothes. He inexplicably told me he was afraid I would make something up and call the police on him.  He told his parents and my son that he couldn’t come back to the house unless someone was with him for protection.

Christmas was ruined and it looked like it was my fault. Brilliant move.

My sister was so mad that I had let him bait me again she shouted at me!  I don’t think she has shouted at me since I was 9.

I only have one thing I have to remember in order to get through this nightmare in one piece. Absolutely definitely NO CONTACT!

I can do it.

Love to Hatred Turned

I’m running on pure emotion tonight.

I’ve never given much thought to the stereotypical “woman scorned”.  I feel it now.

Granted I’ve always been emotional, but I haven’t reached this level since my teens.  You know, teenage broken heart, writing poetry etc.

When I told my dad and my sister that John ,was cheating on me,  I asked that neither of them say they weren’t surprised. They didn’t, but Ellen did say “your marriage was always bad anyway”.  That is the same as she “wasn’t surprised”, therefore I shouldn’t be as upset as I am.

When you are betrayed by your brain all your life, everything surprises you.  I hung on to him all these 27 years because I thought I loved him.  I did love him.  I do love him.  It doesn’t matter how wrong it is, I do.

God I hate him.

I do believe myself when I say I won’t go back to him.

To be able to give him the adoration his narcissistic ego needs to survive, this woman is either as needy as he is or as broken as I was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crushed

Feeling crushed tonight.

Times like these I just really want to give in to my illness and feel sorry for myself.  I don’t feel like being strong and “high functioning”.

Remember my “Stinging Tears” post?  It almost happened again at work today.  I am blessed to be working so closely with a woman who is so like me and then again not.  I need a man like that.

This time she was in the office with me and offered to leave me in there, close the door and shut the blinds.  A little humor goes a long way when your life and emotions feel like they are spiraling down like flushing a toilet bowl.  Not the most eloquent analogy, but for some reason that is the mental image that comes to mind.

I have been doing a little spying.  No, because this blog is all about honesty, A LOT OF SPYING!  I’ve found out through and overheard conversations that someone is not being truthful with me.  In face I feel completely betrayed and revolted by what I have overheard by accident.  It really was by accident.  He was so drunk in the hot tub he didn’t realize how loud he was talking.  I also know he thinks I am a complete moron and couldn’t possibly find his secrets.

The bastard has turned me into an obsessed individual looking for anything I can get my hands on. Rummaging through drawers, digging through paperwork and buying a USB recording device that I either leave casually on the table or placed in my bra.

Because this is so against my nature, I am torturing myself with my own behavior!  What the hell have I turned into?  I know I can’t use this information to help me with the divorce, but I just need to know.

Why do I need to know?  I have been living under a narcissist my whole life,  23 years with my mother and 27 with my husband.  I can never seem to get it through my thick head that I will never feel justified.  I can’t hear another self-affirmation again. I can’t try another “healthy or mature way to take this betrayal” Is taking the high road all that great?  The only person it really helps is the offender.  The victim is still left with feelings of unworthiness.

I want to shred his clothes. I want to key his truck. I want to tell his mother. I want to make him suffer. Even though it doesn’t make me feel better in the moment,  the best punishment for him is for me to outsmart him.

He really shouldn’t underestimate me.  I’m not as dumb as he has always told me I am.

Stinging Tears

I was standing designing library signs on the computer.  All of a sudden I burst into tears.  Well not really burst, no one knew I was crying, but I felt like I had burst.

It started with my eyes stinging and then some deep breathes and face getting all scrunched up.  I realized at that point it was too late to keep it under wraps and I went into the office and shut the door.  The office was dark, but one wall is all windows that face the library.  I positioned myself between the door and the wall in a shadow so no one could see me falling apart.

I stood for a couple of minutes silently with tears running down my cheeks.  Inside my brain was battling was this really necessary for me to be crying in the first place and how much further and animated was this about to go?

While I was pulling a paper towel from the dispenser to wipe my eyes I began to sob.  Sobbing is heart breaking even for the person doing it.  When I was young I would let it all hang out and make as much noise as I felt necessary.  Now days I hardly ever cry, but when I do it is as quietly and reserved as I can manage.

Silently sobbing, my chest heaving and drying my eyes lasted a few more minutes until I felt I could move on and begin to recover.  I put my glasses back on trying to disguise some of the red face.  It’s always my red nose and lips that give me away.

I preach to everyone that a good cry is usually beneficial.  It wasn’t today.  It was horribly emotional and physically painful.

I haven’t written in a while because I have been completely up to my neck in getting a divorce.  It’s really happening this time.  My sweet narcissist husband started his old tricks last night of twisting my words and making veiled threats.  I was doing really well until I realized that he still has hold of me in a PTSD sort of way.  I fell into his trap and said a few things I had sworn I would not say as to not make things worse than they already are.  I was supposed to be laying low and silently suffering the way I had learned to after years of this treatment. I’m still kicking myself for not being able to hang on to my cutting words.

It was feeling overwhelmed today and not having anyone to talk to about it is what set me into tears.  I realized that I wanted to talk to my mom.  She was good for that.  She listened to me for years about him and always made me feel tough and fiery.  She didn’t give great advice, but she listened and was completely on my side.

For the first time in almost two years I missed her.  Two years since I’ve talked to her. It hit me hard that she is dead.  And realizing I needed her for that made me start thinking of the other things I miss.  Honestly, I just feel like hell today.

I Know What This Looks Like…

I may have devoured a rotisserie chicken while driving home, but at least  I didn’t stop at Carl Jr’s and ruin my diet plan.