This is Going to be a Long One

So much has happened since my divorce was final I am going to start at the end and do sort of a flash back thing until I lose track of which order everything came in.  Please follow along…

The elation and anticipation of being off for the summer was thwarted because I had to ween myself off Pristiq. Withdrawal symptoms have been complete exhaustion, not eating, and brain zaps to name a few.

I planned this withdrawal very carefully.  Two years ago, I stopped taking Abilify because of twitching in my legs.  Two weeks later I fell into a deep depression.  I was put on Seroquel.  Two weeks later, another depression because the dosage wasn’t high enough.

One of the things I am terrible at is judging my state of mind.  I think it goes back to 43 years of coping with my moods alone.  I had to mask them from others and myself.  Not recognizing my last decent into into hell, my therapist and I came up with a 10 point question sheet to ask myself if I’m feeling different.  It makes me feel more secure.

I spoke to Tristan about needing his help if I go into a depression.  I spoke to Allison and told her if this happened she should call Tristan if I couldn’t.

After two weeks of careful planning the withdrawal and doing everything I’m supposed to do I took a dive.  It was more like a crash and burn; I don’t even remember the dive.

Getting Tristan’s help was more stress that help so I called the only sane person I know, my sister.  I started to cry and she said to call my psychiatrist.  I did and he called me back very quickly. My sister had called his office and said it was an emergency.  My Dr asked if I was suicidal because my sister had threatened to call an ambulance. Total overreaction.  Just writing this out makes me feel humiliated.  And I was and am.  What do they say about best laid plans?

The reason I had to stop taking Pristiq is because it was causing “Serotonin Syndrome”.  I had all the classic signs especially the hypo-mania.  I used to look forward to this little gem in my non-medicated un-diagnosed life.  Now it really sucks.  No pleasure from it, just agitation, irritability, poor sleep and all the other bad traits.

I wrote most of this blog the day after the crash.  I must have lost my concentration at the end because I had begun writing in a “stream of consciousness” style.

I wrote about how nobody understands, how I can’t trust anyone to be there, why am I even trying so hard, what is there to live for……

I know that is how I truly felt.  It’s not true today.

It’s just me and Allison now.  I am alone to take care of me.  I have always taken care of Allison on my own, but I’ve always had help for me.

I’m going down another half dose this week, I’ll be brave.

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Fascinating

It’s been about 6 weeks since I’ve been free from the tyranny that was John, my husband, now my ex-husband.

I can remember when I became a wife and he became my husband what a kick I got out of saying, “I’ll ask my husband” or “My husband likes that”.  Now I get the same kind of wonder and thrill when I say my ex-husband.  It didn’t take me long at all to stop tripping up and saying “my husband” and having to correct myself “I mean, my ex-husband”.  I know whoever I’m talking to doesn’t care either way, but it is important to me to be clear for my own sake.  I keep expecting to break down into tears when I realize finally that it’s over.  That hasn’t happened in fact I just keep getting happier and more peaceful as each day goes by.

Tonight, he called and said he was coming by with some things I left behind and to give Allison her birthday card.  I said okay and immediately began to try on clothes that make me look thin and young.  Of course, I don’t have any sort of magical clothing that does that, so I settled with a long t-shirt and skinny jeans.  Put my hair up, let it down, put it back up again.  Thought about makeup, decided against it, I mean it was 8pm, makeup wasn’t going to improve me enough to be worth it.

The last time I had seen him was the day I moved and he stood in the doorway of his house and said I couldn’t come in ever again.

This time, at my house, I invited him in and let him look at the kitchen and the living room.  He seemed normal, the way he would treat anyone else.    We chatted a bit the way we always have and then he left.

No rush of emotions either way.

Fascinating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What an amazing concept..”No Contact”

days with no contact.  I just realized that tonight and had to tell someone!

I’m in my wonderful new condo with Allison. I’m on the road to recovery.

I’ve had enough time to recover from last weekend’s move where John was drunk and wouldn’t let me back in “his” house to retrieve my clothes.  I had left them until last so I could take them in my car.  Talk about “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” it did.

I had been using the phrase “kicked me out” when describing the situation to my sister.

She said, “Stop saying that!  You have a place to go, he “wouldn’t let you back in”.  “Kicked you out” makes you sound weak and not in control, but you are in control, you have a place to go. ”

No Contact.  The most intelligent piece of advice to a give to a victim trying to get out of a narcissistic abusive relationship.

Here is my list of the amazing things I’ve managed to accomplish without him undermining my every move:

I got a mortgage by myself.  He always made it sound impossible.

I found an amazing condo by myself.

I organized the move even though he said the U Haul wasn’t big enough (it was)!

Don’t forget the fact that after trying three times in the last 27 years, I managed to divorce him even though the experience has been worse than imagined.  He sent me to the bottom of the pit and clawed my way back out.

I’ve decided my new birthday is March 4th, 2017!

Narcissist Until the End

I have been trying to leave John on and off for about the 27 years we’ve been together.  It has been an unhealthy codependent relationship since I was 23.  He loves me, he hates me, he loves me again.  He’s nice, he’s mean, he’s nice to me again.  It was constant cycle.  And then throw in my Bipolar II four-day cycle, what a nightmare it was to live like that.

Wednesday the day I have been trying for arrived.  I am officially divorced from John!

At first I was elated and bouncing around at the news because I had needed the signed decree to close on a condo I am buying.  I was cutting it really close, the closing is this Tuesday.  That’s all I had been concentrating on for 3 weeks

“That means we are divorced,” I said, “we’ve been together for 27 years and now it’s over.” Without wanting to I began to get a bit misty.

“Do you want a hug?” he asked.

“You wouldn’t give me a hug when my mom died and now you want to give me one, “I asked, “it’s too late for that.”

My tears dried before they hit my cheeks.  Thank you, John, for reminding me so quickly and so clearly why I didn’t give in this time.

 

That Was Then….

That was then, this is now.

Stinging Tears   Crushed  Love to Hatred Turned  Another Horrible Crazy Christmas

It’s been a hard road, 27 years.

I made it through and out the other end, battered and bruised, but out.

Tonight I feel calm, peace, happiness, relief and maybe a little joy.

To be continued…….

Another Horrible Crazy Christmas

This morning I woke up from the worst day of my life during the worst time of my life.  The bright side is that now it cannot get any worse.

On Christmas Eve, my narcissist, soon to be ex-husband pulled out all the classic narcissistic crazy stops.  We had an argument and this time he locked himself in the bathroom pretending to call the police telling them he was afraid of me and didn’t know what I was going to do to him.

The situation was so ridiculous I couldn’t help but see the humor in it. It didn’t help defuse the situation when every time he opened the door I said, “Boo!”

He left the house with a bag of clothes. He inexplicably told me he was afraid I would make something up and call the police on him.  He told his parents and my son that he couldn’t come back to the house unless someone was with him for protection.

Christmas was ruined and it looked like it was my fault. Brilliant move.

My sister was so mad that I had let him bait me again she shouted at me!  I don’t think she has shouted at me since I was 9.

I only have one thing I have to remember in order to get through this nightmare in one piece. Absolutely definitely NO CONTACT!

I can do it.

Love to Hatred Turned

I’m running on pure emotion tonight.

I’ve never given much thought to the stereotypical “woman scorned”.  I feel it now.

Granted I’ve always been emotional, but I haven’t reached this level since my teens.  You know, teenage broken heart, writing poetry etc.

When I told my dad and my sister that John ,was cheating on me,  I asked that neither of them say they weren’t surprised. They didn’t, but Ellen did say “your marriage was always bad anyway”.  That is the same as she “wasn’t surprised”, therefore I shouldn’t be as upset as I am.

When you are betrayed by your brain all your life, everything surprises you.  I hung on to him all these 27 years because I thought I loved him.  I did love him.  I do love him.  It doesn’t matter how wrong it is, I do.

God I hate him.

I do believe myself when I say I won’t go back to him.

To be able to give him the adoration his narcissistic ego needs to survive, this woman is either as needy as he is or as broken as I was.