This is a follow up to my post “A Love Letter?”
My friend died two days ago. I had been sending a funny card each week to cheer her up. A poignant thought occurred to me; I still have a pile of cards left.
She went too soon in every sense of the word.
I miss her very much.
I felt so cool the way I handled my in-laws recently.
They seem to think I am not a great housekeeper. They would be right, but why do they care?
The last straw were the little hints and back handed comments about my messy car. They were making my blood boil, but I was too nice or scared to say anything. I know it is incomprehensible to some people that I could keep my mouth shut, but unfortunately it’s been figuratively beaten out of me.
I hate to clean. I find cleaning pretty close to the feeling of suffocation. As with a lot of things in life it must be done, so I do it. I put my headphones on and rock out when cleaning the toilet or loading the dishwasher. The other problem with my housekeeping skills is my ADHD or at least that is what I’m going with. I just don’t see the dirt. I mean some of it is noticeably obvious, but on my way there to clean it there is almost always something more interesting that catches my attention.
My passive aggressive stand to my in-laws was to wash my car the day after they left!
I did and then it snowed, not cool.
Oh, how we persevered, puzzle from hell!
As I was picking it out at Barnes and Noble, Emily said, “No, Mom, it’s too complicated and too many pieces.”
No, I thought, I like the picture and that is all I could focus on. The fact it was 1000 pieces of 100 cartoon horses seemed to be a non-issue.
I feel like I do this a lot; in fact I have kind of a reputation in my family of not seeing the big picture. To me it doesn’t seem to have any rhyme or reason so it is hard for me to correct. I know my loved ones would disagree. They seem to see the common denominators in these situations and try to point them out to me before I take that fatal step. Sometimes it’s something benign like the puzzle and sometimes quite severe like moving to a town with less than 800 people.
Well, this puzzle has become a metaphor for mine and Emily’s life together.
We persevered until it was done. Even though it took up half the dining room table and we made everyone squish at one end to eat, we did not give in. After two days, we did not give in. We did it together until we were seeing double. Then one would take a break and the other would continue. Tristan came by and helped a bit. Allison stuck in there for a few minutes until she announced every time, “I hate puzzles!”
When it was finally done and we realized there were three pieces missing, we felt annoyed for a minute and then let it roll off our backs. We did everything we could do and it was enough.
The puzzle was just like us, a little broken, but we could see the big picture.
By popular demand, imagined or not, I must release my diet plan to the clamoring masses.
Here is how I do it:
6:00 am
Wake up and have one cup of coffee with hazelnut creamer. I love creamer and I am willing to sacrifice food calories for it. I should get it delivered in a keg, have it on tap.
7:30 am
Coffee and creamer again at the office.
9:00 am
Yogurt, the best kind is the one where the water is sitting on top. You are so starving by this time it could be mold and it wouldn’t matter.
11:15 am
Lean cuisine or a salad for lunch.
4:00 pm
Eat only protein like chicken breast in the evening for dinner and some veg. Just eat before 5pm. If it is after 5pm well I’m sorry you are screwed and hungry. Buck up. Wait until 7:00 pm.
7:00 pm
Drink two glasses of wine, spread it over a couple of hours. Like the creamer, I love wine and am willing to give up that meatball sandwich in order to have it. Sacrifice, that is what it is all about in dieting. You may omit the wine, I can’t or won’t, but to each his own.
Don’t expect to be able to keep this up indefinitely, prepare yourself for a break down and eat a piece of bread or a bowl of cereal after 4-5 days.
Disclaimer: I am the only one that endorses this plan.
I have a full house this week of Christmas break.
And just how do you think I am handling the situation? You would be right, not well, not well at all. Tonight I took an anti anxiety pill I reserve for emergencies; second time in my life to use it. The first time I took one I actually had a panic attack. I was afraid what it would do to me. Irony at it’s best, the drug is to prevent panic attacks. Ha Ha Ha, what a crack up I am!
I wasn’t going to have a panic attack, but I was getting quite anxious knowing that my in-laws were joining my daughter, son in law and granddaughter (they were here first) at our house for a few days. On top of that I will be entertaining a cousin and his family. Oh, yeah then there are John’s friends. I tend to be a bit of an introvert so having this many people and for so long is wearing my nerves down.
They mean well, but when my sister-in-law starts telling me about people she knows, their names, their children’s names, their spouse’s names and their pets’ names, breed, age and gender. After I learn all of that there is the list of jobs each of them has, how great the jobs are and their co-workers. Half way through the evening I am so agitated from boredom, but trying to be polite and pay attention even by asking pertinent questions when I think appropriate. After two hours of this I feel like drowning myself in the kitchen sink.
Tonight I couldn’t take it, even though I had mother’s little helper swimming through my blood stream I begged off saying I was too tired and must go to bed. I sneaked the laptop into the bedroom and here I sit with headphones on writing to save my sanity for tomorrow.
I do most of this for my husband. I have to step up. Wait a minute, he was gone a suspiciously long time getting groceries just after they arrived. He didn’t have a good explanation of why it took one and half hours to spend $100 dollars. Coward.
My first celebrity crush was Tommy Shaw from Styx. My sister had their first album and at 12 I was transfixed by his pretty boy looks.
Then there was Jim Morrison. Adam Ant. Prince (disturbing, but true). I had a crush on a real life person for many years, an ex-boyfriend of mine.
Bono, need I say more? At least I actually met him. Shook his hand, twice! Also, met The Edge. Shook his hand too!
More recently was Johnny Depp. That crush kept going for a couple of years. It faded and I tossed him to the curb.
I was really feeling empty until, Adam Lambert. My newest pretty boy crush. I know, he’s gay, which sucks for him and me. Star crossed lovers is what we are. He is so completely gorgeous and talented I can’t believe he can’t and won’t ever be in the running. How can a straight woman have a crush on a gay man? Don’t know.
In a life like mine a little fantasy is a harmless outlet. Sex, drugs and alcohol have their merits, but having a harmless crush on someone can be quite therapeutic. They don’t demand anything from you, you can deny them when you are not in the mood and when you have moved on you don’t have to break the news to them. In fact you can be quite cruel which in itself can be freeing and satisfying. There is no splitting of the assets, the children or the pets. It’s a perfect arrangement.
There is the little thing that they don’t know you exist. I realize that, but in my case a handshake will do.
Whatever happened to “themed” Christmas dinners? That is what my family will ask after I’m gone.
“I don’t know,” Emily will say wistfully “my favorite was the BBQ. Even though I’m a vegetarian I loved the smell of the smoked sausage, ham and ribs cooking all day in the oven.”
Tristan will reminisce, “I remember the prime rib and frozen coconut shrimp Christmas. The prime rib was a little cold by the time it got to the table and the shrimp was almost thawed, but Mom looked great!”
Little Allison will look longingly at the dining room table, “I remember the Italian Christmas when I was 11. The pasta stuck together like it does on any other day, but I did get to drink sparkling apple juice from a champagne glass.”
That is what I envision as a post death conversation my resistant family will be having regarding my themed Christmas dinners. Always being a pioneer, I started the themed Christmas dinners a few years ago to expose the children to new cultures and diversity.
Yeah, that’s a load of “stuffing”. I started it because we had already had turkey, etc. less than four weeks earlier for Thanksgiving. I personally don’t like turkey and how often do you get to justify a $35 piece of meat?
I am sitting in bed writing at the moment. I write listening to music with my earphones in. I’m talking the ear buds, not the $200 customized dj headphones (I wouldn’t be caught dead in them anyway; I never wear ear muffs either). I must have unusually small ears because ear buds are never comfortable. If I’m wearing the earphones while I’m cleaning which I always do (it keeps my mind off it) they are constantly falling out. I am forever readjusting, fiddling or putting them back in.
Then there is the fact that they get caught on everything while I’m walking around the house. The cord gets caught on the dishwasher rack mostly. Sometimes I don’t realize I’m wearing them and do something stupid like change my shirt. Let me tell you it’s a drag trying to untangle earphones out of the sleeves of your shirt.
Just the general sudden hand movements that drag the earphones quickly and violently from one’s ear. That just plain hurts and kind of pisses me off because I am usually concentrating on some important thought and that messes up my flow.
Have you ever been zapped by static while wearing earphones? Boy, that’s no fun. I suffer enough brain zapps before my medicine kicks in the morning thank you very much.
You start off thinking you’ve got it all covered.
One small gift for each of the women in the office. So that’s it right? Three gifts. Go to The Body Shop in the mall and buy three small, $10 body butters in nice holiday packaging. No need to wrap, slap a card on them and good to go right?
Oh, not so fast! A dilemma: Another friend whom I did not get a gift gave me a present of a tiny water feature that will sit on my desk to give me tranquility. To the card she taped a marble, in case I lost my last one (she has no idea just how close she got it). I was seriously touched. I think she is great, but I wanted to keep a reign on my gift giving for money purposes and I had a good plan. How could I not reciprocate at this point when the woman gave me a marble and a fountain of all things? Now if I give her a gift, will she think I did because she gave me one? She, of course, would be correct.
I just received a text from my friend in the office. Do I want to put in twenty dollars for a gift card from us in the office for our administration? Wait a minute I think …where does this stop?
I just want to honor the true meaning of Christmas, gift etiquette.
What to write about? What to write about? Hmmm, I’ll write about PTSD shall I?
Right out of left field it hit me. Going along minding my own business and then POW! Something went wrong at work and it was my fault. I tell you, it is exhausting trying to be perfect all the time to avoid such blind sides.
I somehow shakily made it to my friend’s office and closed the door in time to burst into a quiet sob. My mind was in chaos. Simultaneously trying to calm myself and understand what the hell was going on again.
I am usually so stoic and have such a calm exterior that everyone rallied around me thinking it must be something pretty serious. What could possibly bring her to her knees like this? I never try to explain it, no one would understand.
I’m six again being screamed at by Sister Ann. I’m eight being screamed at by Sister Sean. I’m ten being bullied by Josephine and Karen. I’m…you get the pattern. Except the difference is no one was yelling at me. No one was even the least bit annoyed or accusatory. I guess all I needed was just a whiff of disapproval.
And then there is my shame. PTSD is usually associated with war, incest, near death experiences. What’s my deal?
This is the first time this has happened since I’ve been “well”. Doubting all of that now. Just how many pharmaceuticals is it going to take?
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