Tag: humor

Going Underground

Published on by cmglife

I have been underground again. I didn’t feel I had anything relevant to say for the last few months. I have a certain criteria* of the things I will post.

My post must be:

  1. interesting.
  2. have my unique point of view (I’ve finally put it to some good use).
  3. have an “END” or a clever phrase to wrap it up (wink).
  4. true.
  5. Anonymous. It cannot contain any details that would lead someone to figure out my real self. Literally my name, etc. I know I am either extremely egotistical or completely paranoid that anyone really cares, but nevertheless it is an issue.  I have remained incognito my entire life.  I think it is one of my “things” that no one except my immediate family knows the real me.  The crazy me.  The unbalanced me.  The totally fucking exhausted keeping up appearances me.

* There has been a flash flood of stories that meet my stringent criteria.  Tune in.

Lost in Lambert

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

The day had finally arrived!  The Adam Lambert concert was finally here!

The concert was downtown, an added, but not insurmountable challenge.  I took the extra precaution of reading their website about parking.  They had their own parking garage on the block next to them. They were making this really easy.  I have managed to get my “parknaphobia” under control for the most part, but just in case I entered the address of their parking lot into my map app.

My well-orchestrated plan when off without a hitch except until we got lost looking for the theater. By the way, using your map app does not work when walking.  All it did was confuse me more. After wandering around for 10 minutes I asked a couple for directions.  We still arrived there with plenty of time to spare.

The show was amazing!  Adam’s voice was just as good in concert as on his recordings.  The lights, music and sound were great!  We loved every minute of it.

I’m not a demonstrative person by any stretch of the imagination, but I did stand, clap and sway a bit during the concert. I even yelled a few “wa hoos”.   My outside appearance didn’t give away the excitement and utter joy I was experiencing.

I had expected old ladies and young teenagers to be the only ones there.  I was surprised by the mix of couples, children, teenagers, young women and there were some gay men.

A very enthusiastic, dressed to the nines 65+ sat next to me.  She danced through each song like it was his last (or hers).  At one point she nudged me with her shoulder and asked, “Are you a Glambert?”

“Uhhh, I don’t think so,” I said. I do know what the term is, but I’ve never been comfortable being one.  Most of my family just loves to rub it in though.

It was about 11pm when the concert ended.  Leaving the theater we followed the throng of concert goers headed toward the parking garage.

When we got there nothing looked familiar.  The colors were all wrong and the building didn’t have the numbers “410” on the outside of the building. After feeling like I was losing my mind for a moment I figured it out I must have driven into wrong garage thinking it was the theater’s garage!  The problem? I didn’t know where my car was because the only address I had was the theater’s garage.

We started walking confidently looking for our garage. We were in such a good mood from the show that we were even joking about what a good story this would make.  I mean how many garages could there be in this area? We were being naive about the severity of our situation.

While setting out on our quest, were realized that we couldn’t retrace our steps because as I wrote in the beginning, we got lost on the way to the theater!

We walked around and around downtown in the dark of midnight looking for the #$%*! garage with the “410” on it’s wall.  As if you couldn’t tell, I am terrible at navigation.  Not just regular “I’m not good with directions” kind of terrible,  I have been known to turn down the wrong street driving home.

Slowly our dire situation began to unveil itself!  I am a woman, you know that, and I had my very beautiful 13 year old daughter with me.  I felt a little vulnerable. Some of the blocks we went down were dark and having to cross to the other side to avoid homeless men sleeping on the sidewalks was really making me afraid for our safety.

Allison kept telling me she recognized some things from our walk to the theater.  Instead of letting her guide me I kept saying things like “let’s just take a look around this corner” and “no, I’m sure that’s not right”.

After 45 minutes or so of this I was beginning to worry.  My only hope was to find policeman.  They would know what to do.  Instead I found an angel disguised as a bicycle rickshaw operator.  As a side note, he looked like Robert Plant.

With great reluctance I explained our dilemma. Strangely, his face lit up and he said he loved a good challenge!  He offered to drive us around the area looking for the garage.  As Allison and I climbed into the seats I glanced across the street.  There it was on the wall ….the numbers “410”. I honestly could’ve kissed our angel /Robert Plant impersonator!  I gave him a tip and he waited until we drove out of the garage before he rode off.  What a great person. He really made an impression on me.

There is a silver lining to this story.  Allison and I never once gave up, panicked, cried or argued.  We just kept on going.  I also must give credit to Allison.  Almost from the start she recognized businesses and landmarks.  I think if I hadn’t found the rickshaw driver first we would’ve ran into it ourselves because of Allison.  That was a good lesson for me, I need to trust her more now.

It was 12pm when we finally got to the car.  I hugged Allison and drove home.

When I retold this story to family and friends, my family wasn’t particularly surprised. In fact I think it was Tristan who said,” So just another day for you?”

I’m Going to Adam Lambert!

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

I’ve got tickets to the Adam Lambert concert in a few weeks!  You can’t possibly know how excited I am!  Picture me skipping.

The last concert I went to was U2.  Yes, a very far cry from Adam Lambert.  Whereas Bono’s lyrics soothe my hectic mind, Adam Lambert’s voice does.

When I found out he was coming to my city, I felt sad and disappointed because I didn’t think I could get anyone to go with me.  About 15 years ago I got free tickets to Duran Duran (big fan).  I convinced my sister to go with me, but I knew then it was a one-time deal.

That night I, Allison, Tristan and Tristan’s girlfriend, Addie, were in the living room hanging out. I was going to spring it on them, but my timing had to be perfect.

I asked Allison first.  She shot me down.  I explained how much fun concerts are and she would have a great time.  “But not with my mom!” she said. She’s fourteen by the way.

“Tristan, would you go?” I asked enthusiastically.  Tristan tends to be a little eccentric sometimes so I really did think I had a chance.

“I can’t go to an Adam Lambert concert! Isn’t he gay?”he asked.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go.  I know I’ll be beating the men off with a stick, but I really can’t go by myself, “I said “Anyway, most of the crowd will be middle aged women and teenage girls.  See, Allison, we would fit right in!”

Next on to Addie…”How about it Addie?  Would you go with me?”

“You bet, I’d love to go!  Let me check my calendar!”, and shbegan looking at her phone.

Tristan says, “Addie I didn’t know you liked him.”

“Oh, yeah, he’s gorgeous!”

Wow! I had no idea! Wait, not so fast!

“You like Adam Lambert?” asked a disbelieving Tristan.

“Oh, I thought you said Adam Levine!”

Poor Adam, he is either getting mixed up with Levine or Miranda.

 

“The Great Christmas Crash of 2015”

Published on by cmglife

I have been going to post around ten times in the last month. Each time starting, writing a line and giving up. I just haven’t been able to express myself in the same way since “The Great Crash of Christmas 2015”.

To bring you up to speed of my saga, I was suffering from tardive dyskinesia (uncontrolled muscle movement), a side effect of Abilify.  I had an urge to clench and un-clench my right leg and tap my left foot. My doctor and I decided to go off Abilify. Two weeks later I had a depressive meltdown. I went the next day to my psychiatrist and I started on Seroquel.

I was doing fine on that for about another two weeks until the depression hit again. I had no idea how bad I really was. The week of Christmas was a nightmare for me. The in-laws were here, my mom had died at Christmas just last year, Emily and kids weren’t there and my sister and Dad weren’t coming. I would excuse myself every night at 6 o’clock, go to my bedroom and drink wine. That didn’t put a dent in my mood. That should’ve been a clue, but still it wasn’t.

One morning I had a meltdown very similar to the last one six weeks ago. I called my dr to get in and he was out of the office on vacation. I couldn’t help crying on the phone to the receptionist. How humiliating. She gave me his cell number and I was too embarrassed to call so I texted asking for him to call at his earliest convenience. That’s right I was on the verge of suicide, but had the wherewithal to mind my manners.

He doubled my dosage of Seroquel. After a few days staying in bed watching every English mystery on Netflix , I finally felt better. John was amazing during this time. I will have to do a follow up on my new marriage soon.

After being on a prescription roller-coaster for the last three months all I can do now is stay the course and try to keep the fear at bay. I sometimes forget that even though medicated and a hell of a lot better, I still have a bipolar disorder to wrangle each day.

Hopefully I am back again, I would say normal, but that would be ridiculous.

[More to come, the rut of all ruts, drinking, medicinal weight gain, the turnaround of an abusive marriage, Adam Lambert, etc.  So much finally to  write about.]

 

I Miss Nonsense

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

Gosh, I just realized how much my blog has taken a turn for the dark and depressing.

Remember the nonsense posts of Breaking Records, Dancing Queen, The Creamer and Wine Diet and Pretty Boy Crushes to name a few?

They were the posts of the good old days when I was only battling my bi-polar condition and medication. I wasn’t level enough to have handled my mom’s dying at that time. I certainly couldn’t have faced up to my abusive marriage and actually planning to leave instead of just fantasizing about it.

There must have been such a pile up of things that could only happened while I am well enough to deal with them.  It must be God’s way of giving me only what I can handle.

Not to worry, I’ll get my old posts back as soon as my life stops “playing catch up”.

So Long 2003 Subaru Outback

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

subaru-outback-l.l.bean-08I just got a new car. The old one got me through so many weather jams I am grateful for the 11 years it gave me.  That old green 2003 Outback will be missed. No car payments will be missed.

You know what will not be missed?

Headlights going out when the emergency brake light goes on while driving down the interstate.

Not having any dash lights and having to see the speedometer while going under a street light or following (a safe distance) behind someone else.

Front end grinding and knocking.

Juice stained carpets.

Juice stained ceilings.

Juice stained seats.

Knocked out front fog light from when Emily scraped a parked car.

Hole in back bumper when I drove over a generator.

A “My Child is an Honor Student” in middle school bumper sticker (oh, yes I was one of those parents). Since Tristan was 14, I’ve been trying to get it off.  Goo Be Gone and then finally a chisel. Tristan is now 18 and still no dice.

The poor old green thing has been replaced by a dark grey 2015 Outback. Unfortunately, the new car smell has been replaced by Chick-Fil-A, Starbucks and poodle.

Cooking Day Fiasco

Published on by cmglife4 Comments

Today I began cooking a month’s worth of dinners. I’ve done a couple of weeks worth before, but never this big of an undertaking. I started last night.

Since I had a boat load of veggies to chop I bought a new razor sharp knife.  I was almost finished chopping buckets of onions when I started talking to Tristan.  Yep, you guessed it, I cut myself.

I spent 30 minutes sittinIMG_2033-1g in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

I decided to pack it in for the night and slipped the knife into the soapy water in the sink.  I then forgot said knife was lurking beneath the dirty water.  I put my hand in to find the cutlery on the bottom and cut my other hand!

I spent another 30 minutes sitting in the living room trying to stop the bleeding.

Today, with the addition of band-aids on two fingers, I started cooking ingredients I had so diligently prepped the day before.  I looked down at one point and one of the band-aids was missing!!!  I had only made three dishes so I dug through them all.  I couldn’t find it!  I looked on the floor, in the trash and the sink of soapy water (minus the knife this time) to no avail.  I debated what to do…could I get away with it? No, I had to throw the three dishes away.

Finished the cooking and took Allison to an orthodontic appointment.  I had been sitting in the waiting room for ten minutes or so when the reception said to someone, “Do you smell onions?”

Favorite Christmas

Published on by cmglife2 Comments

We’re having a favorites Christmas this year so I’m finding out what each person’s favorite foods are. There are some parameters, I am assigning them a food group; appetizer, hors d’oeuvres,  dessert, etc.  Everyone has given in to my wonderful Christmas tradition except my daughter Emily. I told her she was either with us or against us. I’m sorry but I had to get tough. She finally picked sticky toffee pudding and was quite put out until she realized that Aunty Ellen would make it.

No one knows it yet, but I am putting together a slideshow of everyone’s favorite music and play it on the TV during our Christmas celebration. I know in the past there has been a little resistance to my music. Maybe they just like giving me hell, but this should shut them up (Christmas spirit)!

I have been trying to weave the questions “What is your favorite musician?” into conversations. I asked John while we were in Vegas. He said The Zac Brown Band.

“What’s your favorite?” he asked and rolled his eyes.

“ U2, of course, but now I love Adam Lambert as well.”

“Oh yeah, he’s really good.”

What???? Did I actually hear John say he thought Adam Lambert was really good?

He must’ve had too much Vegas and too much to drink and thought I said Miranda Lambert.

Sin City – Day 2

Published on by cmglife

We were all ready to go by 4:30 for the cab ride out to the speedway. I kept checking my phone for weather updates. My forecast read 46 for night time. 75% of the people on our team were from North Dakota and the rest (John and I) had just come from -1. A night time temperature of 46 degrees! I almost wore my swimsuit under the fleece coat, hat, boots, mittens and scarf.

At the speedway, the cars started roaring around the track like something out of Mad Max; armored body and huge tires in the front.  The cars left a big billow cloud of dust behind them. It got in my eyes, mouth and nose. I thought at first I was the only one who was bothered until I saw several people wearing ski goggles.

I did so much arbitrary drinking while I was in Vegas. It didn’t matter where or what time it was. I had Bailey’s in my coffee at the track, but then I think it made me nauseous watching the race cars go round and round.

In between races there was nothing to do except drink “coffee” and talk about engines. As much as I love that topic, Ashley kept me interested with tales from the Midwest in a small North Dakota town. Why do I never hear stories like these from my friends? These were really juicy. Pregnancies, infidelity, divorce, custody, drugs and you name it from Jerry Springer and it was happening to someone she knew.

At midnight it was finally over! John called a cab.  We were so close to going back to our hotel room! The taxi service said they would be out in 20 minutes so we began walking through hundreds of cars and campers parked in “the pit”.  As we arrived at the gate a taxi pulled up.  I grabbed for the door handle before the cab came to a stop. After a few comments on how quick the cab driver had gotten there it was obvious we had someone else’s cab. I didn’t say anything! I needed to get out of there…

“Sorry, sucker, I’m taking this cab!”

My sister said I had lost all human decency at that race.