Tag: funny

Gnat in a Glass

Published on by cmglife5 Comments

I am not a violent person as a rule, unless there is a house fly or a fruit fly around. Tonight I am trying to write and having a glass of wine. For some reason the one fruit fly in the house has supersonic scent receptors (making all these scientific terms up) and is buzzing around my head in front of the laptop screen. It’s driving me crazy, I cannot relax. The thing is obviously trying to take a nose dive into my wine. I am trying to keep track of it. Luckily I type better without looking at the key board or the screen. I wonder why that is?  I always type better when I’m talking on the phone too.

Back to the fruit fly….I keep trying to kill it by clapping my hands around it, but it is too small and it keeps getting pushed out on the air stream created by me.

The other day I was trying to take a short nap after work. I lay straight on my back with the tv off and the door to my bedroom open. This way when I fall asleep, a child, a dog or a phone call will inevitably wake me up after 15 min or so. If I don’t do this I will sleep for an hour and then berate myself on how much time I’ve wasted.

This particular afternoon I was lying there, dead tired, when a fly came into the room. Not just your run of the mill house fly, but one of those huge (Blue Bottle?) slow, noisy flies. It would not stop and I couldn’t help follow it with my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t have to get up and find the flyswatter. It did leave at one point, but came back. I finally had to go after it and I did, with a vengeance. Actually enjoying the final kill against the window!

I was trying to get all philosophical about the aggression and the fly and why it is easy to kill a fly, but I am too old and busy for that! Hate to say it, but “been there done that”!

You know that fruit flies have a 5 day lifespan; well I think it has died. Or it’s made its way into my glass and I’ve swallowed it without knowing, either way, it got what it deserved!

Wardrobe Malfunctions

Published on by cmglife

I’ve decided I’m going to just throw this shirt away. It’s been slipping over to one side or the other all day. I went into the bathroom and saw that my bra strap was exposed. How long has it been that way? My mind searches the last few encounters…who have I interacted with my undergarments showing?

Yeah, I’m throwing it away as soon as I get home! I’m not going to wash it, put it in the back of the closet until a few months go by. One morning on a desperate “nothing to wear day” I pull it out not remembering why I put it back there in the first place.

I’m going to throw it away tonight so I don’t innocently wear it and then look down and see my bra strap again. Then what am I to do? I have to spend the whole day adjusting and pulling the bra strap back all while trying to look perfectly normal.

I should go through my closet at the same time and throw out those pants that the button has been missing for a year! Sew it back on you say? Maybe in a former life! I will throw out that shirt that is just a smidge too low in the front and therefore having to hike it up every two minutes! I’m going to finally take out the staples of the hem of my favorite pants and replace it with two sided tape!

Yes, I’m feeling liberated already!

My cry is “NO MORE WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS”!

ADD Laundry

Published on by cmglife

Housekeeping, especially laundry, with ADD has its special challenges, like it never gets done!

When you do laundry in my opinion that’s all you should be doing, any distraction at all is detrimental to the process. My laundry never gets finished. I sometimes do the right thing and take all the laundry baskets out to the living room where there is a big area to sort and make piles. I have devised one of my own systems. My stuff, husband’s stuff, kids stuff and towels. So far it hasn’t caused too much problem. The odd pink whites here and there over the years, it’s worth it, my system works!

On this particular day I have no plan, I’m just picking up piles from the individual rooms and stuffing them in the washer.  So I pick up one pile and put it in the washing machine, put the detergent in and turn it on. If I stayed there or somewhere close and waited for it I could have it done in record time, but no. I have to watch tv, read a book, get on the computer, do the dishes, get on the phone…….

So now the load number one is still sitting in the washer for 20 minutes before I remember I am doing the laundry. Twenty minutes, not too bad, I have all day. Next I put load number one into the dryer, dryer sheet and turn it on. Then it’s load number 2, I put it in the washing machine, put the detergent in and go finish what I was doing. Right, I can’t remember what I was doing before load number two, I’ll start a something new, that’s a better idea.

So another 20 minutes go by and I think about the laundry then realizing the dryer takes an hour so therefore there is at least 40 minutes left. I keep moving on. One hour goes by and I remember the laundry in the dryer, go to take it out and take load number two out of the washer to put in the dryer, but….. did you catch it before? I didn’t turn it on! This has been going on all my adult life. If I go to hell, this would be my hell, laundry. There is nothing I hate more!

After you get it out of the dryer, it’s still not done.  Doing laundry is like going grocery shopping, it’s such a process! Write the list, go to the store, buy the items, put the items on the checkout counter, put the bags into the cart, take the bags out of the cart, put the bags into the car, take the bags into the house, put the groceries away. And you haven’t even made dinner yet! I’m exhausted just remembering.

Back to the laundry, after they’re out of the dryer then they have to be folded. My husband tries to help out; he’s not one of those that doesn’t do any housework. He has to, it just wouldn’t get done sometimes, it’s more about self-preservation than charity. To keep the clean clothes separate from the dirty, he pours all the clean laundry on the couch. That is great if it ever gets folded. By the time I get around to it, the kids have sat all over it, half the socks are in between the couch cushions and my leopard print  underwear are the only thing visible from the front door when the neighbor stops by. Sometimes he’ll put it on the bed so I am forced to fold it and put it away so I can go to sleep.

Putting laundry away is the one process that never gets completely finished. I’ve had my son’s socks and underwear on my dresser since last week. I’ve got a stray belt and pair of shorts still lying on my nightstand.

While I’ve been writing this I am doing laundry and I’m going now to check to see if I put the dryer on for the wet load, because I didn’t the first time and now it’s 6:00 in the evening. I started at 8:30 this morning.