I know I said last time I posted I would keep up on the progress the ketamine infusions was making to my Treatment Resistance Depression (TRD). I’m sorry if you were curious and I didn’t.
I think it maybe because it is working so miraculously that I didn’t feel the need to write tragic feelings of desperation that I so often did.
I hardly write in my journal anymore except for interesting things that happen during the day.
I’m still suffering from PTSD reactions, ketamine on its own hasn’t helped. My therapist has agreed to go with me next time and guide me through some of the events that still trigger them. Research shows that it is also very helpful to talk through the events during the euphoria therefore being able to reframe them.
I’ve attached my calendar that I check off daily. when I’m feeling not depressed.
If it’s a little worse for wear, I think that’s a good sign that I’m actually using it everyday.
It’s been 2 1/2 years since I’ve posted. I don’t know why, I thought about it every once in a while. I thought about how good it used to do for me and why I couldn’t do it anymore.
Maybe it was living with bouts of depression day to day was infiltrating even that. I’ve been dangling by a thread for a long time. How did I keep my grip? And more importantly why did I keep it? Sharing what was happening in my life was the original reason I started my blog to figure out my life and emotions with a Bipolar 2 diagnosis.
I’m able to write again because I found something amazing. Before I began to write again, I forced myself to read back through the entries that prevented me from writing. I read the latest three and that was all I could take. Reading the posts and remembering the pain of depression and hopelessness was too much.
In September 2021, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with TRD (Treatment Resistant Depression). That name alone caused a new degree of hopelessness. Experts say that a person needs to try at least four different treatments before depression can be truly considered treatment resistant. I’ve tried five, maybe more, my doctor didn’t have to root through the 11-year file he has on me to come to this conclusion. Not only antidepressants alone, but combinations like Seroquel or Abilify.
So here is the amazing thing, I started ketamine infusions March 18. I had my 3rd one on March 25, last Friday. That makes three. For the first time I’m feeling a difference. I am a “slow starter” according to the doctor so that is why it took the third ketamine infusion to start to make a difference.
What does “feeling a difference” mean to me? Happy, for only three days I’ve noticed a real happy, not a manic happy. Even just a taste of this emotion that I haven’t had for so long is like a drink of water when you are thirsty. I am sharper, more focused.
I’m going to keep writing about this experience with hope. I haven’t had hope for a very long time and it’s nice to welcome it back.
anincidentallife.com 
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