Lately I’ve been feeling a little manic.
I don’t seem to have much of problem at home because everyone there is more used to the “old” me than the recently “normal” and medicated me. In my old manic state I would be solving the world’s problems, finishing the laundry and writing the next great American Novel all in an afternoon.
It’s at work around other people that I notice I’m beginning to interrupt and be the queen of the one-liners (because I am so funny).
The other day, our Campus Monitor, Mark was helping me find my daughter’s phone that had been lost in the grass during lunch. Did I mention that Allison goes to the same school I work at now? I know, too bad for my blog, no more charter school escapades.
“Where was the last time you saw it? “I asked.
“I put in in my pocket at lunch. I think it fell out when I was rolling down the hill.” Eleven year olds…what are you going to do? One minute they are too cool to be seen with you getting out of your car and the next minute they are rolling down hills at lunch.
Next thing Mark said he found it and held it up. I was so excited or manic that I sort of walked/skipped over to him and said,” Oh, I could just kiss you!”
As soon as I said it, I regretted it. What? A kiss? What the hell? I mean I’m glad I didn’t do it (I’m not that crazy) but why did I say that in the first place? Well, because in a manic state, either I can’t help myself or I am just one step ahead of fantasy. A split second between thinking something in the head (which we all do) and not saying/doing it. That gap is breached in my manic state quite regularly unless I am really focused. When something happened like today, I used to promise myself that I would “hold it together” the next day. That would last about an hour or so until I forgot and got comfortable making a “one- liner” jokes with each person that came by my desk.
At home it’s just a matter of me having a cutting edge opinion on everything from a pair of shoes to the contestants on the Voice. All of a sudden I become an expert fashion designer and a vocal coach.
The mania is not quite as intense as it used to be and I’m not experiencing the depression. I am enjoying the high that I haven’t had in a few years since the medication.
I’ve mentioned this to my sister and asked her to keep track of this mood and let me know if she notices anything disturbing. She said, “Great, I can’t wait to go on this roller coaster ride with you.” She says it feels like I’m playing with fire.
I’ll mention it all to my doctor, but I’m not sure if it will make a difference. I’m still at the wait and see stage. It’s a difficult place to be in. I want to do the right thing, but on the other hand I have been level for so long that a taste of crazy is hard to resist. Can I have my cake and eat it too? Something tells me no.