17 Years

Recently I thought, “I think Alex would have loved Adam Lambert.  I think he would have thought he was beautiful.”

I miss my best friend Alex.  I don’t think about him every day anymore, that bothered me when I realized it.

He did not think he could take life anymore and killed himself 17 years ago.  I remember the day like it was yesterday, but on the other hand it shocks me sometimes when I realize he’s really not here anymore.  I don’t want to write about a lot of sad things and try to extract deep emotions from you, except maybe a giggle.  Alex would not have minded, he was irreverent to say the least. This was the man that dressed as a pregnant Linda Ronstadt for Halloween.  Those size 13 pumps were really something to see!

Missing Alex made me realize I miss having a gay friend.  I think I’ll have to go out and get one.  It can’t be that hard.  I am a girl after all.

I miss that sense of fun and joy that only a gay man and a straight woman can experience.  I think, for me, it is finally feeling understood by a man.  And for the man maybe an intimate look into femininity? Come on gay men, help me out here, what is it?

A couple of weeks ago I thought my luck had changed and I had fallen head over heels for a gay man again. Alas, it turned out he is just a nerd and a married nerd to boot.  I mean from the Big Bang Theory nerd.  He is a live action role playing (LARP to those of you that are in the know), War Craft on line, making swords for his outfit for the “ren” fair nerd.  If shortening The Renaissance Fair is not a dead giveaway of a through and through nerd I don’t know what is.  Though I am strangely fascinated with him, it’s not the same.

I’m not a spring chicken hanging out at the clubs anymore, so where does a seasoned mature woman find a man of the “musical” persuasion (Alex’s terminology, not mine)? It’s hard to meet anyone interesting when all you are doing is working with children, coming home to children, carpooling children, you get it.  I can’t just walk into a gay bar and start picking up men. Or could I?

I wonder if Adam Lambert is lonely.

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