Today, I began to read my blog posts from the beginning. I’ve been avoiding it because I’m not sure what I will find and how they will make me feel. Scrolling down (a long way down) I didn’t expect to arrive at 2012.
I feel I must read them because there is such a wide gap between when I stopped writing and now. It’s like I’m reading them for the first time (I have a terrible memory).
I started my blog to express myself after learning I had Bipolar 2. I stopped writing for a long time because of several reasons, mostly depression. All I could focus on was staying alive all while looking like nothing was wrong.
I’ve only read three or four early posts so far; they made me smile. The progression of my life from 2017 until now is sad and I’m not looking forward to reading those.
I still am not allowed to see my grandchildren and the four-year anniversary of when this nightmare began is this September 8th.
I realized recently that I didn’t even know the word ruminate existed until my daughter banished me from her life. It’s very hard for me to avoid ruminating, especially when I don’t understand, been given no information and I do not have any control. Sometimes it feels like a physical battle, and it has a mind of its own, a separate entity that keeps creeping in when I least expect it.
I am getting on my feet again though
My therapist says that while this has been and is still terrible and there is no explanation for the alienation of my grandchildren, being better with the ketamine helps me not fall off that cliff so regularly.
I was, and am, a good mother. I should ruminate on that.
anincidentallife.com 