So much has happened since my divorce was final I am going to start at the end and do sort of a flash back thing until I lose track of which order everything came in. Please follow along…
The elation and anticipation of being off for the summer was thwarted because I had to ween myself off Pristiq. Withdrawal symptoms have been complete exhaustion, not eating, and brain zaps to name a few.
I planned this withdrawal very carefully. Two years ago, I stopped taking Abilify because of twitching in my legs. Two weeks later I fell into a deep depression. I was put on Seroquel. Two weeks later, another depression because the dosage wasn’t high enough.
One of the things I am terrible at is judging my state of mind. I think it goes back to 43 years of coping with my moods alone. I had to mask them from others and myself. Not recognizing my last decent into into hell, my therapist and I came up with a 10 point question sheet to ask myself if I’m feeling different. It makes me feel more secure.
I spoke to Tristan about needing his help if I go into a depression. I spoke to Allison and told her if this happened she should call Tristan if I couldn’t.
After two weeks of careful planning the withdrawal and doing everything I’m supposed to do I took a dive. It was more like a crash and burn; I don’t even remember the dive.
Getting Tristan’s help was more stress that help so I called the only sane person I know, my sister. I started to cry and she said to call my psychiatrist. I did and he called me back very quickly. My sister had called his office and said it was an emergency. My Dr asked if I was suicidal because my sister had threatened to call an ambulance. Total overreaction. Just writing this out makes me feel humiliated. And I was and am. What do they say about best laid plans?
The reason I had to stop taking Pristiq is because it was causing “Serotonin Syndrome”. I had all the classic signs especially the hypo-mania. I used to look forward to this little gem in my non-medicated un-diagnosed life. Now it really sucks. No pleasure from it, just agitation, irritability, poor sleep and all the other bad traits.
I wrote most of this blog the day after the crash. I must have lost my concentration at the end because I had begun writing in a “stream of consciousness” style.
I wrote about how nobody understands, how I can’t trust anyone to be there, why am I even trying so hard, what is there to live for……
I know that is how I truly felt. It’s not true today.
It’s just me and Allison now. I am alone to take care of me. I have always taken care of Allison on my own, but I’ve always had help for me.
I’m going down another half dose this week, I’ll be brave.
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